


The Sun Always Rises

by Nikki_RavenScar



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: #tragicbackstorytime, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Bilingual Lance (Voltron), Biphobia, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Coming Out, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Keith/Lance (Voltron), Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Genderswap, Homophobia, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Italian Pidge | Katie Holt, Japanese Shiro (Voltron), Keith and Shiro are Adoptive Siblings, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Korean Keith (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Multi, Mutual Pining, My First Work in This Fandom, Past Child Abuse, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Samoan Hunk (Voltron), Self-Acceptance, Self-Destruction, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Keith/Lance (Voltron), Socially Awkward Keith (Voltron), This is my therapy, tragic backstory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-23 22:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 50,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14342079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikki_RavenScar/pseuds/Nikki_RavenScar
Summary: Kiyo (Keith) isn't expecting anything to change when school starts up again, signaling the beginning of her sophomore year, but it changes, and change is an understatement.Lana (Lance) thinks that everything will be the same as it was last year, how wrong she is as sophomore year slowly unfolds itself open to her and she realises something about herself that changes herself and her view on the world forever.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody!  
> Just to let you all know, this is a gender-bent version of Voltron, and I promise to have lots of pining and angst because you know I love you all!  
> Here are a couple things you should know!  
> Kiyo is Keith  
> Lana is Lance  
> Hannah is Hunk  
> Pidge is still Pidge (gender neutral pronouns for them please!)  
> Sara is Shiro  
> I release you into the world my dear younglings!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning: an act or circumstance of entering upon an action or state; the initial stage or part of anything.

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”

-Lao Tzu

Kiyo walks through school in a daze, it is only two weeks into her sophomore year and she’s already bored in most of her classes, but not one. As she walks into her last class of the day, Intermediate Piloting, her eyes immediately searches across the room for somebody, a specific person, Lana. Kiyo tries to hide her body as she sneaks into the room and finds a seat near the back where she can covertly watch people stroll through the door.

Kiyo covertly watches but after a couple minutes of failure she tries to distract herself from the world again and turns up the music streaming through her earbuds from her phone. ‘Seventeen’ echos through her eardrums as the last of the stragglers filters into the room. Right before the bell rings however Lana walks, or runs, into the room, she’s out of breath and her hair is streaking out behind her. The teacher, Mr. Dean, she remembers, clicks his mouth with disappointment but technically Lana isn’t tardy, she gave Mr. Dean a sly wink as she snakes off into the last seat open, the one across from Kiyo. When Lana sits down and gives Kiyo a little wave of hello, Kiyo freezes but feels her mouth slide into a small smile.

The bell rings and class officially starts as the teacher started lecturing, Lana turns around and starts taking notes on the different types of booster rockets and spacecraft used for deep space travel and the different components of each of them. Kiyo desperately tries to take notes, but every time there is even a second that she isn’t immediately occupied, Kiyo found herself sneaking peeks out of the corners of her eyes to look at her, _Lana_. Her chocolate brown hair flows effortlessly over her shoulders in such of a stark contrast to her soft and bright blue eyes.

As class winds down, the teacher starts to hand out the physics packet for homework, and as the entire class gives a relenting sigh, Lana finally turns back around and gives Kiyo another little wave. “Hey,” Lana says, Kiyo blinked and realised that she is talking to her.

“Hey, Lana right?” Kiyo already knows her name, but everything else escapes out of her brain as soon as Lana turned back around.

“Yeah, Lana McClain, and you are… Kiyo?”

Kiyo nods and tries to keep her face placid, “Kiyo Kogane. So what do you think of this class so far?” Kiyo asks, she innerly cringes at the starter, but Lana doesn't seem to notice.

“Eh, it’s okay, but what I really want to do is to fly. I want to pilot a ship so fast that I can feel the g’s pulling on my skull, and I want to see the universe and the stars.” Lana swiped her hand across and above her body in an arc and I could feel the stares of some of the people around us.

Kiyo smiles gently, “I see what you mean, but I don’t think we’ll get to pilot any ships for a while,” she takes a quick glance at the teacher who is still passing out homework on the other side of the room. “I mean with the teacher babbling the whole time.”

Lana quietly giggles and Kiyo quickly sweeps her hand through her shoulder length hair self-consciously. The teacher appears out of nowhere and Lana tries to snuffle her giggles but she still gets a look from Mr. Dean as he plops packets on the area where the desks meet. Mr. Dean explains the homework, to finish the packet by the end of the week, no late turn-ins and no exceptions, extera. The bell rings and everyone shuffles out of their seats and everyone makes a beeline for the door. However before Lana walked out the door she turns to Kiyo, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Kiyo nods and Lana smiles, and suddenly Kiyo feels like she can’t move, but after a few seconds she starts moving anyway and with the crowd towards to door and out of the school. ‘Seventeen’ clicks and gets put on replay until Kiyo knows all of the words as she strolls towards the bus. “Kiyo!” Someone calls and Kiyo’s eyes surge towards the voice.

Kiyo rolls her eyes as she sits down next to the projector of the voice. “Hi Pidge,” she greets the small Italian person.

They smile, “wow, I got a hi today! What happened? Usually I just get a slight acknowledging shrug until you beg me to tutor you for a class again.”

“I do not beg!” Kiyo protests as the bus starts its journey home, “and nothing happened.”

Pidge gives her a thoughtful wink out of the corner of their eyes, “okay… anyway, do you want to work on homework at your house? I have a feeling Matt is going to be bouncing off the walls today.”

“Isn’t he always bouncing off the walls?”

Pidge shrugs, “yeah, but he texted me a bunch during class and he never does that, so I guarantee that he talked to a girl today and I don’t have the patience for that right now.”

Kiyo laughs, “do you ever have the patience for that though?”

Pidge rolls their eyes, “fair enough Kiyo, your house?”

Kiyo nods in agreement, “my house, Shiro left two weeks ago and Akio and Haru are still at work until six today.”

Pidge raises their eyebrow, “are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Kiyo smiles mysteriously, “I know you too well, of course I do.” Pidge gives her a wink in subtle confirmation and they sit in peaceful silence for the rest of the bus ride. When they finally got off the bus ‘Seventeen’ has played ten times on loop and Kiyo even starts to hum softly along with it as it plays for the last time.

Kiyo and Pidge set up their stuff in her room on the floor because her desk was littered with randoms art supplies, from body non-toxic paint to oil pencils, which causes some complaining from Pidge but as soon as Kiyo plops down on the floor and starts to ignore them, they get the message and sit down gracefully.

As always Pidge finishes before Kiyo and she is again surprised that Pidge is technically a year younger than her. Grade skipping doesn’t and never will affect them, Kiyo rolls her eyes at Pidge and tries to focus.

Kiyo finishes her homework, and after Pidge and her have completed a bad conspiracy theory movie marathon, the clock says it is almost six o’clock. Pidge stands up and stretches and they start to gather their things, “I should head home.”

Kiyo nods sleepily from the floor with a pillow, “I am going to have to get you up in the morning, aren’t I?”

Pidge winks as she leaves the room soundlessly as Kiyo rolls her eyes. She knows that it is just the beginning…

 

⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

 

No matter how much Kiyo wants to disappear in real life sometimes, life keeps coming back to shove her off her butt; school starts to pick up speed and Kiyo starts spending less time researching crazy theories and more time on homework, specifically at Pidge’s house.

“I’m telling you, sixteen x squared is the physics mathematical term for one g of gravity,” Pidge paces on the floor of their room, which looks like the inside of an asteroid Kiyo likes to joke, it’s complete with the grey walls and the grey wood accents on the bed frame, the few colors ruins the theme however, but everything else fits Pidge perfectly.

“I know, but does that include air friction? The problem I’m doing is on a planet with one g exactly, but more air resistance and pressure even at higher altitudes.” Kiyo looks back at her textbook which is currently being propped up on the floor by Kiyo’s removed jacket.

Pidge relentlessly shoves their hands through their fluffy short hair. “I’m going to ask someone,” they say as they pull out their phone, they tap the screen a little harsher than necessary, and presses the speaker button as the rings of a phone call fills the room.

“Matt!” They scream into the microphone, “does the physics gravity equation include earth’s air pressure as a factor for the sixteen x squared part?”

“It’s good to hear from you too Pidge, I’m glad you life is going amazing as well thanks for asking,” Kiyo and Pidge roll their eyes in sync. “No, that equation only accounts for gravity on one g planets. What is this for Pidge?”

“Homework,” they answer and quicky shoot their older brother a goodbye and a ‘talk to you later’ before hanging up and giving Kiyo a prideful smirk.

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “I never said you were wrong Pidge, I’ve lost enough bets that way.”

Pidge looks over Kiyo’s shoulder until she finishes, as soon as she finishes the problem and the rest of her homework, she gives Pidge a long look. “How are you getting your homework done way before me? Aren’t you taking Advanced Engineering?”

Pidge shrugs, “yeah, but a friend and I finish the practice work early, so we get to start our homework in class, so I’m halfway done before I get on the bus.”

Kiyo smiles, “and I thought you were just as antisocial as I was, what’s the friend like?”

“I’m not that antisocial!” Pidge tries to protest, “she’s cool. She’s a sophomore like I am and I made friends with her because we are both in a room full of juniors and seniors and it feels weird, so we are weird together.”

Kiyo nods and smiles, “my little baby is growing up so fast.” Kiyo smirks while wiping a fake tear from her eyes and Pidge rolls her eyes and playfully shoves her over.

“Oh come on, but that reminds me…” Pidge gives Kiyo a mischievous smile, “how is IP with the person you met but you told me nothing happened but obviously something happened?”

Kiyo smiles, “you couldn’t resist with the acronym thing huh?”

“Don’t change the subject, who did you meet?”

“Nobody-” Kiyo halts at their death stare, “okay, so I’ve had a grand total of two conversations with her, and both were awkward and they were both just to say hi.”

Pidge wiggles her eyebrows, “how hot is she?”

Kiyo blushes and tries to hide her face in her hands, “uuuuggggh Pidge. Why do you do this to me?”

“For that reaction,” Pidge laughs, “but seriously, I’m happy for you, maybe now you have a reason to get out of your little shell.”

“I do not have a shell!”

They roll their eyes, “you do so have a shell! If I had a cardboard cutout of you that was offsetted just one inch larger than you, that would be your shell.”

Kiyo tries to protest, but she doesn’t get far as Pidge cuts in, “fine, I’ll prove it to you. How about we go to two social events.”

Kiyo sighs, “what are they?”

Pidge raises her eyebrows and smirks, “nope, you first say that you are going to go with me and then I’ll tell you.”

“Fine, I’ll go-” Pidge lifts her right hands up in a silent cheer, “-but what is it?”

“Homecoming. Specifically both the game and the dance.”

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “one, is there anything that I can do to change your mind?”

“Nope,” Pidge slowly shakes her head with a devilish grin.

“Okay… Two: I was already thinking about going to the game even though the food is super overpriced and it’ll be super crowded, I want to see what the hype is about; and three, you know I don’t like dances, I never know what to wear, and it’s a social gathering!”

Pidge grins back, “then this will be a great and amazing learning experience for both of us! Because I am in more of a formal clothes crisis than you are!”

Kiyo shrugs, “point taken, but why do you want to go to these two super social events anyways? We are both introverts and I am not a fan of people in general.”

“Because I don’t think this is healthy for either of us.” Pidge replies, their grin gone and they look Kiyo straight in the eyes as they explain, “how many people have you, a) met and talked to more than once in the past year, and b) know that you are gay and that I am non-binary? Both of them, together, _and_ how many people do you know who know that we are best friends?”

Kiyo shrugs, not even daring to think too much on it, “I’m guessing from your tone of voice that you think more people should know that I like girls and that your pronouns are not she and her? But why though?”

“Kiyo,” Pidge sighs, “you know I love you, but more than half of the time when I see you, you look depressed and just out of it, but when you look at your sketchbook when you think I am not looking, and when your face lights up when you draw something on it, it makes me happy; and I’ll be the first to admit that you have a crush and it makes me happy that my little baby is getting out of her shell.”

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “again, I don’t have a shell, and could you have possible forgotten the fact that I am a year older than you?”

Pidge’s eyes roll over and they smirk knowingly, “changing the subject I see…”

Kiyo shoves them a little, but Pidge just keeps smiling. “Fine,” Kiyo relents, “what do you want to know?”

They wiggle their eyebrows suggestively, “name mainly.”

“Lana. Lana McClain.”

Pidge twists their head slightly, “you know, I think I know someone who knows her.”

Kiyo’s eyebrow raises, “who?"

“There’s a girl named Hannah in my Advanced Engineering class, she’s the friend I was talking about earlier, we had a conversation about single modulating versus double modulating for a project and we both got really into it and it was awesome, I think my brain exploded-”

“Pidge,” Kiyo interrupts, “you know I don’t understand any of that right?”

Pidge looks up bashfully, “yeah, sorry, my brain went on a rant. Anyways… Hannah has talked about her best friend and I think her name is Lana but I could be remembering it wrong. I’ll ask her next class.”

“What’s Hannah like?”

Pidge chuckles, “she’s a bigger person, but a huge softie. I think she is half introvert and half extrovert, but she cares so much about how people feel.” Pidge looks Kiyo up and down with a raised eyebrow, “I think you need to talk to her.”

Kiyo’s face scrunches up in confusion, “why?”

“You are an emotional mess!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Okay, maybe a little, but does wanting to go to Homecoming have anything to do with meeting Hannah?”

Pidge shrugs, “maybe a little,” they say with a wink. “But it doesn’t matter, we should be more social anyway, she kinda pushed me in the right direction.”

Kiyo shrugs, “okay, you have engineering tomorrow right? Can you ask her if she knows Lana?”

Pidge nods, “yeah, of course. Now, are you failing any classes yet?”

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “I have never failed a class! So that would be a huge no, and I don’t need your help yet, but at this rate I’ll probably ask you in about three weeks.”

They wink, “I know you will.”

“Stop showing off Pidge, sheesh,” Kiyo’s face morphs into a contagious smile.

“Whatever, but now that we are going to Homecoming, what do you want to wear?”

Kiyo shakes her hands across her body to surrender, “nope, nada, no bueno, don’t you dare bring this up this soon! I am not going to think about it until another two weeks.”

Pidge sighs, “fine,” they mutter.


	2. The Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn: the first appearance of light in the morning.

“I believe that if one always looked at the skies, one would end up with wings.”

-Gustave Flaubert

As Lana walks to her bus stop every morning, sometimes, most times actually, she can see the sun rise, and every day that she sees the sun peeking shyly and quietly over the treeline and desperately through the endless maze of branches and trunks, Lana feels just a little bit happier and a little bit lighter.

Until she couldn’t stop looking at her.

Lana doesn’t know how it could come to this point, she knows that she is straight, she’s had boyfriends before, granted that they could never last long, but Lana thought she knew what she wanted for her life, until she enters sophomore year of high school and as everything turns upside down and back around again.

Lana throws her pencil down on the table in frustration, she can’t concentrate on her foreboding homework, but she knows she needs to work on it.

“Are you okay?”

Lana looks up to face Hannah who is sitting on the other end of the small table with a concerned look on her face. “Yeah, I just can’t concentrate today and it’s driving me a little insane right now.”

Hannah grimaces, “okay, how about we take a break?”

Lana shakes her head, “no, my brain just needs to stop running at a thousand miles per hour.”

Hannah stands up with a small sigh but Lana forces her eyes back to her paper, until she feels Hannah pull her by her shoulders away from the table. “Hannah!” Lana protests as she tries to grab for something, “what-”

“Lana stop, you need a break, and I know how to do that.” Hannah stops dragging Lana and plops down in front of her, “brownies.”

Lana chuckles and grins, “I can’t complain with you there.”

Hannah nods and stands up, “I know you can’t, and that’s why I did it, now help me destress myself with baking!”

Lana rolls her eyes and starts to get up, “I’m coming, I’m coming, hold your freaking horses.”

“I don’t see you!” Hannah calls from the other room, in a sing song voice which makes Lana chuckle as she waltzes into the room.

Hannah has her back turned as she directs Lana, “you get out the vanilla, sugar, cocoa, flour, baking powder, and salt.”

Lana turns all around the kitchen and mixes the dry bowl while Hannah mixes the wet bowl, then Lana dumps her share in Hannah’s bowl without warning. “What the-Lana!”

Lana laughs as some of the flour poofs up onto both of their faces and their hair. “Worth it,” Lana whoops and she puts her hands up as Hannah sputters to get the flour off her face.

“Quiznak Lana!” Hannah swipes her hands through her hair, “you know everything shows up on my hair!”

“It’ll be okay, the brownies are still okay and how about I do you hair later okay?”

Hannah grins, “how about you also clean up?”

Lana rolls her eyes, “fine, I still want the brownies though.”

Hannah chuckles, “you always do.” Hannah starts pouring the brownie mix into the pan. “Why is your homework annoying you today?”

“Ugh,” Lana streaks her hands through her medium length hair, “everything I guess…”

Hannah, in one swift movement, puts the brownie pan in the oven, closes the oven while setting the timer, she turns back to face Lana. She raises her eyebrow slowly.

“I got a really good score on the first assignment in my piloting class.”

“So…”

“So the girl that sits across from me also got a really good grade too! We actually tied and I was so sure I had it all in the bag, so I want to beat her at something, but she is just so good at it and I love piloting so this class should be easy, but it’s mostly math and physics right now and I can’t stare at equations all day and understand them like you do.”

Hannah nods, “okay, so what’s a problem that you need help with?”

“This one,” she says as she drags Hannah back over to her textbook and homework packet and as she points to one with a momentum equation next to it.

“Okay,” Hannah stares at the equation and nods. “This question asks you to identify the parts of the equation and what they mean.”

Lana shrugs, “yeah, but I get nothing.”

Hannah grins, “okay, I got you.”

A half an hour later as the brownie timer is going off and Lana is significantly happier about how she understands the homework, Hannah and Lana stroll into to the kitchen and whip out the brownies from the oven.

“Dammmmmn,” Lana moans as she sinks her teeth into the soft brownie in her hand. “Hannah you have done it again.”

Hannah replies with her mouth full, “thanks, you helped.”

“Nah, this was your black magic.”

Hannah chuckles and rolls her eyes, “it’s not magic-”

“Nope, definitely is.”

“Okay, so…”

Lana perks her eyebrows at Hannah, “yeah?”

Hannah smiles, “this girl that you are competing with in your class?”

“Yeah,” Lana’s raised eyebrow doesn’t go away as she stares at Hannah.

“What’s she like?”

Lana shrugs, “she seems cool, she seems sure of herself, but she isn’t social, like at all, basically the complete opposite of us. I don’t know what to think of her though, she’s different, she seems distant from school and her life, she’s that person that walks everywhere with her earbuds in and her head slightly facing down, but she is funny and smart.”

Hannah nods, “that’s a lot of conflicting personality traits, but I see what you mean.”

A shrug, “yeah, she’s interesting.” Lana’s fingers pick out another fresh brownie from the pan, “how are your classes going so far by the way?”

“Pretty good so far, there is someone named Pidge in my Advanced Engineering class, and I’m pretty sure Pidge is non-binary, but I have to ask about that because I really don’t want to mess it up.”

Lana nods, “how is Pidge as a person though?”

Hannah smiles, “awesome, super smart and sassy and Pidge makes me laugh when the teacher isn’t looking every single time. Did I say super smart? Because even I can’t keep up with Pidge and it kind of drives me crazy but in a weirdly good way.”

Lana rolls her eyes, “it drives you crazy? That’s basically my entire life with you.”

Hannah shrugs, “I guess, sorry about that.”

Lana shakes her hands spraying tiny brownie bites everywhere but she pays no mind to them as she replies, “no, it’s okay, it’s endearing.”

Hannah smiles, “thanks Lana.”

“No problem, you know I love you,” Lana says as she sports finger guns at Hannah.

 

⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

 

Lana has almost gotten her off of her mind through school, she doesn’t know what is it that keeps her locked there is a tight battle within herself. She knows something is going to start hurting soon if she doesn’t figure it out.

As Lana walks into her last period class, barely on time yet again, her eyes search for a mysterious darkened figure in the back of the class with earbuds in. Lana takes a quiet peek at Mr. Dean and she quickly backs up to her seat as she meets the teacher’s glare for a second.

Mr. Dean barely allows Lana to sit down before he opens his computer, puts something on the projector, and starts explaining what they’ll be doing in class today. Lana barely has time to get her pencil out before Mr. Dean starts rambling but she hastily shoots a quick smile and a wave at Kiyo, who, at the sight of movement, catches her eye and smiles back before returning her attention to the board. Lana desperately tries to focus but something is buzzing in the back of her mind and she doesn’t know what it is.

Finally when the teacher shuts off the projector and starts handing stuff out Lana gets enough time to take a breather as she looks back at her speedily taken notes, she rolls her eyes at herself as she promises to get Hannah to help her with these later.

After Mr. Dean finishes passing out all of the new packet, with Lana inwardly groaning, the teacher turns and addresses the class. “Students, I am here to present you with your first project of this class.”

Lana could feel everyone roll their eyes collectively and in sync. “The directions are as follows…” Lana tries to listen, but she only hears fragments, but basically, as Lana understands it, this is a partner project, the teacher will be picking the groups, of course, and that they are given with a planet and a scenario and they have to present how they would pilot and land the ship that they are given with.

Lana jerks her eyes back up to the teacher as he starts reading off names. “Darrel and Skylar; Spencer and Jade; Natalie and Tatianna; Kiyo and Lana; Sandra and Vikram…”

Wait, did he just say… Lana’s eyes skate rapidly over to Kiyo who has the same wide eyes expression on her. Lana almost can’t fathom it, Lana looks away and back to the teacher who is still reading off more names in the groups.

“You have five minutes to find your group members and get to work, this is a at-home based project so you will be expected to collaborate efficiently and don’t forget the presentation is in six weeks, late turn-ins, and no exceptions.”

The entire class jumps up and scrambles around like everyone churns rapidly in a blender, but Lana can’t seem to move. She calms her breathing, and when she can she stands up and starts to gather her stuff into her backpack. Someone gently taps her on the shoulder and Lana turns, Kiyo.

“Lana right?” Kiyo asks with a sly smile, and Lana can’t help but think back to the first day of their conversations.

Lana returns the smirk with a smile of her own, “indeed, Kiyo Kogane if I remember correctly. Welcome to the best team in this entire class.”

Kiyo laughs, “we better get to work then, I got the planet and ship info here.”

Lana smiles as something in her chest warms up, she shakes her head and quickly speaks. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

“Okay,” Kiyo opens the folder so Lana can see it too. “The planet is named Wolf 1061c and it orbits the red dwarf star Wolf 1061. It’s 13.8 light years away and 4.29 parsecs in distance.”

Lana tries to scan the document for the gravity ratio, “what’s the g force?”

Kiyo takes a closer look and points her finger down the page, “it doesn’t say.”

Lana sighs, “how are we supposed to plot a safe landing of a ship without gravity?”

“We could calculate it.”

Lana’s fingers start to fidget for a while before she notices and forces her hands to be still, but before too long she glances at her phone and realises that there is five minutes left of class. “There’s not much time left.”

Kiyo looks up from her paper at Lana's phone, “that was fast.”

“We have a lot more to do, how do you want to stay in touch?”

Kiyo smiles and edges her hand out slightly, “can I have your phone?”

Lana raises her eyebrow but compiles, as Kiyo starts typing something in she realises what Kiyo is doing. “Smart plan.”

They pack up their stuff and as the bell rings and students dutifully shuffle out of the room, Kiyo turns around to Lana. “Call me.”

Lana blinks, “what?”

“For the project, we have to work on it, and I don’t have your number.”

“Right-yeah, okay.”

Kiyo turns and walks out of the room and after a moment Lana follows her. Stop it, she tries to tell herself.

Lana walks out of the school just thinking and staring off into space. “What is happening to me?” She whispers to herself as she slides her earbuds in and walks onto the bus quickly looking for an empty seat. She finds one and slides into it, staring off into space.

Someone slams into her and her face whips around to see the perpetrator, Hannah. Lana sighs, “sheesh Hannah, why are you so excited today?”

Hannah nudges her, “because I just heard of this new dress shop that is opening near Mom's work, she texted me about it during school and I thought it would be a great place to find homecoming dresses.”

Lana bursts into a grin, “yesss, slap it.”

Hannah laughs and high fives her, “let’s go after we finish our homework because we are self respecting responsible teenagers.”

Lana cracks into a giggle, “who, me?”

Hannah rolls her eyes as the bus starts rolling away from the school with a steady thum-thum, and they start talking about anything and everything.

Something nags at the back of Lana’s mind, but she pushes it out of her mind as she looks at dresses for the homecoming dance with her best friend. She distracts herself with all of the different fabrics and the different styles and the different colors and the different types of necklines and the different types of cuts.

Lana laces her hands through the dresses all hanging on a rack, blindly looking for something, but she doesn’t know what yet. “Hey Lana?” Hannah calls her over with a wave about ten feet down the next isle.

“What’s up-holy…” Lana takes in the flowy golden-yellow dress.

Hannah bursts into a smile, “do you like it?”

Lana can’t help but smile, “it’s gorgeous, you need to try it one like right now.” She turns around to try to look for a sign.

Hannah laughs, “calm yourself Lana, there’s one right there.” She points two lanes over as she starts walking towards it.

Lana follows like a dog with a bone and she can’t stop fidgeting while Hannah is in the dressing room. Lana pops in her earbuds and clicks her most recent favorite of Imagine Dragons’ ‘Walking the Wire’, and as she gently nods her head and stares off into space the door opens.

Lana looks up and her jaw drops underneath the floor, “if you aren’t going to wear that to the dance I will murder you. You have to wear that, it looks so good on you!”

Hannah smiles, “you like it? ‘Cause I really like it.”

Lana puts her hands up to motion Hannah to not move as she gets up and slowly circles around her. She nods, “I see…” she says with a raised eyebrow.

Lana pretends to think deeply as she places her thumb to her chin and her head nods. Hannah just eyes her but stays silent as she lets Lana do her thing.

Lana circles back to the front of Hannah and she smiles, “I got it. A thin and dull black belt, I can take in the waist just a little bit to accent the curves, black Mary-Jane shoes with a little black buckle, and a simple brushed gold chain.”

Hannah shakes her head, “you have superpowers I swear.”

Lana smiles, “all in a day's work, someone has to save the populace.”

“Have you found anything yet?” Hannah calls as she walks back to the dressing room and starts undressing behind the closed door.

“No, not yet, but there is plenty of time left.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAHHHH  
> THIS IS HAPPENING!  
> I give so much thanks to all of you who are here and have already left kudos, I didn't think that this would pick up as well as it did, but it did and I'm really excited!


	3. The Rift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rift: an opening made by splitting or cleaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody, here are some things you should know!!  
> Teens text, I mean duh, but here is the key for the angsty teens and their texting here:  
> Pidge: Nothing  
>  _Kiyo: Italics_  
>  **Lana: Bold**  
>  Hannah: Underline  
> Happy reading!

“Maybe there isn’t a such thing as fate. Maybe it’s just the opportunities we’re given, and what we do with them, I’m beginning to think that maybe great, epic romances don’t just happen… We have to make them ourselves.”

-Marissa Meyer

“There isn’t enough time.”

Pidge rolls her eyes, “it’s a dress, there are so many places that have articles of clothing namely called dress.”

“Don’t bullshit me Pidge, I am very aware that it’s a just a dress but the point is that homecoming is in one week and I still don’t have a dress yet and most stores don’t sell what I want and this is why I don’t want to go to social thingies, they stress me out.”

Pidge sighs as they look up from their phone and out their left elbow on the bus seat in front of them. “Chill, I got this; there is this place that’s walking distance away from our houses, we could go after school and work on homework kinda during this shabang?”

Kiyo sighs, takes a breather, and looks out the bus window, they were nearing their stop. “Okay, I’ll text Akio and Haru to let them know I have friends.”

Pidge rolls their eyes, “I’ll get directions.”

The walk to the store was longer that Pidge originally thought it would be, but as they got inside and the air conditioning hitw them, there’s a bunch of icicles pinching at their skin in stark contrast to the current outside temperature.

Kiyo wanders aimlessly around the store with gently music in her ears, her fingers lazily touching all of the dresses. Long ones, short ones, high necklines, and long v-necks all stare back at her.

Pidge texts her, ‘anything good yet?’

_‘Nope, I’m almost done though.’_

Kiyo looks back up and her eyes catch on something bright red. As she walks over closer to it, she feels like the dress is intriguing her somehow.

Kiyo places her right hand on the dress and swings it into view, gently letting the dress fall which accents the asymmetrical skirt and the ombre light at the top and darker at the bottom.

Kiyo smiles, _‘I think I found something’_ she shoots a quick text to Pidge, and she grabs the hanger and pulls it off the rack.

Pidge comes up behind her, “oh yeah.” Kiyo turns, “are you going to try it on?”

Kiyo nods and starts to make her way to the dressing room silently. Pidge dutifully mingles around while Kiyo tries on the dress, and when she hesitantly walks out of the room Pidge gently smiles. “Do you like it?”

“I really do, and it’s weird.” Kiyo smiles, “thanks for making me go here today.”

They nod, “of course, there was no way that I was going to let you skip this, not when we had our deal.”

Kiyo rolls her eyes as she starts walking back into the dressing room.

When she comes out and Pidge and her walk towards the checkout line, Kiyo can’t help but feel excited and happy. Maybe the future could change for the better.

When they get back to Kiyo’s house, they notice someone new in the room. “Sara!”

Kiyo realises as Sara crashes her arms around her in a hug. Kiyo smiles and takes in Sara’s form. “What are you doing back from the Garrison so soon?”

Sara releases Kiyo, “I’m going on a mission soon, so they let me have some time off before. Which reminds me-“Sara points to Pidge smiling and standing in the doorway-“your father and brother are home as well.”

Pidge’s face bursts into a huge grin, “thanks! See you tomorrow Kiyo!”

Kiyo chuckles, “bye Pidge!”

Kiyo turns back around with her shopping bag in tow, “what’s the new mission going to be like?”

But Sara shakes her head, “nope, you first. I heard that you are going to a little thing called a school dance?”

Kiyo nods, “yeah, Pidge convinced me to go with them, and it’s in a week and I just got my dress.”

Sara smiles a devilish grin, “show me.”

Akio and Haru just roll their eyes as Kiyo’s weak attempts at protesting. “Just show her, and show us too!” Haru calls as Kiyo gets dragged up the stairs to her room.

“Fine!” Kiyo closes the door in Sara’s grinning face and slips into her dress.

“Yes, yes, I love it.” Sara wipes a fake tear from her eye as Kiyo opens the door. Sara pulls her out into the middle of the hallway. “Okay, sweetheart neckline, ombre from top to bottom, and an asymmetrical skirt which is longer in the back.” Sara brings her hands to Kiyo’s shoulders and spins her around, “plain black gladiator shoes, some simple studded pearl earrings, and a simple silver necklace.”

Kiyo sighs and relents a begrudging roll of her eyes, “why are you so good at this?”

Sara shrugs, “I don’t know, but I am forcing you to go out with me before next week to get all of that.” Sara gives Kiyo a devilish grin as Kiyo escapes back into her room.

“You said that Pidge was going with you right?” Kiyo nods as she walks out back in her comfortable clothes.

“How are they doing?”

Kiyo smiles, “they’re good, someone named Hannah in their Advanced Engineering class that has somehow convinced them that they should be more social, so now Pidge is dragging me to the homecoming dance.”

“Don’t deny it, you want to go.”

Kiyo grins, “maybe a little bit.”

Sara winks but Kiyo protests, “only a little.” Sara wraps her arms around Kiyo’s shoulders and lightly shoves her down the stairs back to their parents who are patiently waiting.

“So how is school going?”

Kiyo shrugs, “okay I guess, I understand chem and math, Spanish is getting easier, pe is really boring, english and history is okay, but piloting is really fun.”

Sara gently smiles, “I remember taking that class, how are you liking it?”

“Mr. Dean is just as bad as you said.”

Sara laughs, “I’m not surprised.”

“Tell me about the mission!” Kiyo bugs, eventually Sara relents.

“You know about the newly discovered moon that’s orbiting Pluto called Kerberos right?” When Kiyo excitedly nods she continues, “apparently aliens could have landed there or something, so we are being sent there to gather samples from the surface…”

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  


“Matt!” Pidge screamed as they ran inside the house.

“Piiiidge, shut up!” Matt screamed as he ran into the room.

‘You shut up,” they said as they crashed into a hug with their older brother.

After a few seconds Matt pulls away with a huge grin on his face. “I missed your stupid face.”

“And I missed your idiot face. How’s the Garrison treating you?”

Matt shrugs, “it’s fun at some times, but don’t hold out on me, Dad said something about a little pigeon going to Homecoming?”

“Maybe just a little bit…”

Matt nudges them with a smile, “I’m proud of you.”

Pidge smiles, “don’t get sappy on me now.”

“I wouldn’t dare.”

Their face softens, “how long are you staying?”

Matt wraps an arm around their shoulders, “only a day, then we are off on a mission.”

Pidge’s face darkens but they try to shake it off, “tell me everything.”

The siblings Dad laughs from the next room over as he and their Mom enter the room. “Come on kids, we’ll talk over food.”

Pidge and Matt smile as they nudge each other and walk into the kitchen and talk.

“Kerberos, potato shaped natural satellite orbiting Pluto might have new information on alien life forms based on samples that we are going to get on the frozen surface.”

Pidge smiles, they have the best family in the entire world.

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  


Kiyo, Haru, and Akio watch with Pidge and Collen as Mr. Holt-Sam, Matt, and Sara are waiting to be picked up by government employees to be taken back to the Garrison to finish up the rest of their briefings before flying off to Kerberos. Pidge and Kiyo wink at each other between their mothers, but they are both so see them go.

As two unmarked black cars pull up into the driveway and one man in a black and white suit gets out and motions towards the families, Kiyo and Pidge rush towards their family for one last hug. “Don’t you dare forget about us.”

Sara laughs, “I wouldn’t dream of it.” The man motions again and Sara starts to get in the car with Sam and Matt not far behind.

“Don’t dork up the spaceship,” Pidge calls as their father and their brother get in the car.

“Don’t nerd up your school!” Calls Matt as the door closes with one final sound, Akio and Colleen place their hands on their teen’s shoulders as the cars drive away. Pidge and Kiyo stay there for some time, just looking off down the road from which they came and left.

“They’ll be back.”

“They have to be.”


	4. The Breach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breach: the act or a result of breaking, a break or rupture; a gap made in a wall or a fortification.

“Everything that is made beautiful and fair and lovely is made for the eye on one who sees.”

-Rumi

Homecoming, one of the most stressful times so far that Kiyo has experienced in her fifteen years of life. Kiyo stares at herself in the mirror and tries to calm her nerves. Her adoptive mother comes out of nowhere and places her hands on her slightly bare shoulders comfortingly.

“You always look beautiful Kiyo, this night just accents your traits that you love about yourself.”

Kiyo smiles, “right out of a book, I like it.”

Akio nudges her shoulders slightly, “I’m so proud of you, you know that right?”

“I know, and thank you.”

“For what?”

Kiyo turns around, “for everything, for taking me in and not letting me leave.”

“Of course sweetie, now go kick some butt out there and go knock ‘em dead.”

The doorbell rings and Kiyo’s head swivels as Pidge bursts into their home and screams, “what’s up ladies?”

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “really Pidge, I’m right here, I can hear you, you know.”

“Yeah, I know, are you ready to go?”

Kiyo nods, “just let me get something.”

Kiyo leaves the room and she realises that her hands are shaking, she closes her eyes for a moment. “Stop it stop it, just stop it, calm down,” she takes a big breath in and then out. She shakes her head slightly, grabs her purse and walks back to Pidge.

Kiyo smiles as she walks back into the room, “I’m good, bye Akio!”

“Bye! Be safe and have fun!” Akio calls from the front door as they walk across the street and down three houses to Pidge’s house, where Pidge’s mom is already in the car waiting for them.

As they climb in Mrs. Holt-Colleen-starts making small talk, but Kiyo can’t stop her hands from shaking, she closes her eyes and tries to silently calm her breathing. She feels something on her hands and as she looks up she sees Pidge’s hands on her own and they look back at her concerned. Kiyo’s breathing slows and she nods, her body calming down.

They get to the restaurant and see a bunch of bigger groups also trying to get food, they chuckle and the entire time try to create ridiculous stories about these people’s lives. Kiyo notices many people staring, but the fact that it’s probably not because of her doesn’t make her any less anxious. “Her in the grey dress, she is actually a CIA agent who secretly works for the red room.”

Kiyo laughs, “but she doesn’t look anything like Natasha Romanoff, so how did she survive the red room, did she have a escaped brother who helped her or something?”

“Nope, she just has enhanced healing capabilities, but no serum.”

“We are just combining superheroes, what about her actual personality, what if she actually hates violence?”

Pidge shrugs, “maybe she is actually the opposite of her powers then and she hates her powers, so she hasn’t told anybody because she would never accidentally use them in the first place…”

Kiyo nods slowly, “that could work…”

 

⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

 

Lana looks around, she is here, Homecoming, “totally worth it.”

Hannah looks up from her phone, “yeah? Do you want to go in the actual dance or just hang out in the car for the next thirty minutes.”

“Sheesh,” Lana opens the car door, “happy?”

Hannah smiles, “very. You ready to rock the world?”

Lana slams the door, “abso-freaking-lutely.”

They walk in the foreboding doors, both of them hand in their tickets all while laughing with each other and trying to ignore the stares from people. Hannah and Lana are inseparable with each other, they constantly dance along with the music, switch groups three times within a thirty minute period, but people don’t mind.

Then Hannah’s head swivels towards someone she knows; she turns to Lana, “I’ll be right back okay? I have to check on something.”

Lana waves her on without even breaking the beat, “I’ll be here.”

Lana watches her go and wonders who she saw, but she shoves it out of her mind as another song blasts over the speakers. She turns around in a circle and opens her eyes to see her. Lana freezes but she doesn’t know why.

Kiyo Kogane.

Lana’s mind goes on overdrive, what is she doing here?

Kiyo is in a bright red dress with loose curls gently falling over her shoulders and black shoes, she sees a glint of a silver necklace on her collarbone, but she can’t get one question out of her head.

What does this _mean?_

“Lana!” Her head twists around to see Hannah trying to get through the crowds to get to her.

“Hey Hannah!” Lana replies in a screaming voice over the music as she tries to wiggle through the mass of people. “Did you find who you were looking for?”

Hannah nods and she grabs her hand, “come on.”

“Where are we going?”

Hannah looks back with a mischievous grin, “you’ll see.” She weaves her way around people until she leaves the gym and starts walking out into the hallways.

“Hannah!” Lana looks towards the voice and sees someone in both a black skirt and a green sports jacket, on top on white converse shoes.

“Hey Pidge,” Hannah greets without hesitancy in her voice. “Lana this is Pidge.”

Lana smiles, “hey Pidge.” She reaches for a handshake and Pidge takes it easily.

Pidge smiles, “heyo Lana.”

“So…” Lana looks between Hannah and Pidge, “where do you two know each other from?”

“Engineering,” Hannah replies and Lana nods.

“So this is _this_ Pidge.”

Pidge lets out an arupt laugh, “is there another Pidge that I should know about and fight for my right as alpha?’

Lana laughs, “nope, just checking. It’s nice to finally meet the genius I have heard so much about from this genius.” Lana nudges Hannah with her elbow as she laughs.

Pidge looks behind Lana and Hannah and she calls out, “Kiyo!”

Lana swivels around to meet Kiyo’s eyes and she starts.

“Hey Pidge, hey Lana,” she calls.

Hannah blinks, “you two know each other too?”

“Piloting class,” Lana replies with a laugh, “this is really weird. What are the odds that this could happening?”

Pidge opens her mouth, but Kiyo cuts Pidge off, “nope, there is no math allowed here.”

Pidge sputters, “but we are literally in the middle of school.”

Kiyo shakes her head, “but is school going on?”

“But actually-”

“Don’t you try it too,” Lana cuts Hannah off. “What are you two doing here though? You didn’t strike me as a social person.”

Kiyo shrugs with a nudge at Pidge, “because of them.”

Pidge sends a glare at Kiyo with a nudge back, “you needed this, don’t deny it.”

Lana smiles, as she fully notices Kiyo’s bright red dress, the sweetheart neckline and the asymmetrical skirt which is longer in the back combined with the ever so slight ombre from the top to the bottom.

A loud noise erupts from the gym and Lana sees Kiyo wince ever so slightly. “Do you guys want to go somewhere away from the noise?” Lana asks, mostly looking at Hannah, who gives her a shrug.

“Yeah, it’s kinda noisy, but the rest of the hallways are closed off,” Hannah replies.

Lana raises an eyebrow, “has that ever stopped us before?”

“I’m up for it,” Pidge agrees as Kiyo nods and gives everyone a slight smile.

Hannah looks around for teachers and Pidge keeps a lookout for students while Lana and Kiyo are the front lines ‘team’. Lana rolls her eyes playfully as Pidge hastily ducks behind a wall as someone walks into Lana’s view. Kiyo and Lana keep walking side by side deeper into the school, and Lana is incredibly aware of Kiyo’s every move, she shakes her head slightly.

“How weird is this…”

Lana looks up, “how weird is what?”

Kiyo gestures around to the completely empty hallways, devoid of any other human life besides just the two of them. “This; I always see these hallways filled to the brim with students and teachers, people just mingling and walking and sometimes shoving their way to class; everyone has to go somewhere and it has to happen at this instant, and I don’t think people realise how transparent they are sometimes.”

Lana shrugs, “I think that society has placed rules on humans in order to have a functioning society where we get stuff done, but at what price? People are moved and slaughtered like cattle and every single person that has ever walked these halls has their own life with their own problems and their own solutions.”

Kiyo turns her head and after a couple seconds Lana notices and turns to her. “Has anyone told you that you are incredibly smart?”

Lana feels the heat rush to her head, “no…”

Kiyo looks back down the long hallway, “more people should, because you are.”

Lana turns around and sees Pidge and Hannah walking towards them as she is reminded of something. “Oh, I have to ask, what are Pidge’s pronouns?”

Kiyo smiles, “they and them.” She turns to Lana, “thank you so much for asking.”

“Uhh, you’re welcome? I just don’t want to mess anything up.”

Kiyo shakes her hands from side to side, “no, it’s not that, just so many people assume that they are a boy or a girl and it pisses them off because they identify as neither and it really hurts them, they feel so much better when they aren’t misgendered.”

Lana nods, “of course, and can I say that they are rocking the skirt and the sports jacket?”

Kiyo laughs, “yeah, only Pidge can pull that shabang off and they do it awesomely.”

Hannah smiles as her and Pidge approach Kiyo and Lana, “did you two find a hidden place?”

Lana slightly freezes, she had completely forgotten, but Kiyo answers, “I’ve got just the place.”

She leads them down the hallway and to a little corner with two benches. “Welcome to la casa de Pidge,” Pidge gestures around and Lana bursts out laughing.

Hannah giggles and rolls her eyes, and with a gesture at Lana she explains, “she speaks fluent Spanish.”

Lana calms down enough for a second, “I like the house of Pidge.”

Kiyo bursts out laughing and then Pidge and Hannah are laughing and Lana can’t hold it back anymore and they are all a giggling snickering mess.

As Lana looks on her new friends, she thinks that maybe the best friendships are created in the weirdest ways.


	5. The Reformation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reformation: the act of reforming, state of being reformed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY HEY HEY!  
> First off, I am so sorry I couldn't upload this earlier, so here I am, uploading this at midnight when I should be sleeping but f it.  
> I would love to thank each and every one of you? Boys, girls, and non-binary pals, I love you all and your kudos makes me day brighter and I love you all for it! So thank you so much!  
> Please feel free to comment, I'll answer any questions you have and reply to everything (because I have no social life) but I have to protect against spoilers, but I can promise you that the angst tag is definitely not misused in this.  
> Also! Here is the texting key again in case people forgot!  
> Nothing: Pidge  
>  _Italics: Kiyo_  
>  **Bold: Lana**  
>  Underline: Hannah
> 
> Happy reading  
> So everybody get ready to rumble!!!

“Do not move, do not go. Sink within this moment. Hold it forever.”

-Virginia Woolf

Kiyo knocks her head against the wall which her back is leaning on, she squeezes her eyes shut as she tries to calm her shaking hands. The words ‘what if’ rush through her brain over and over and over again, her brain never letting her go, her brain running at a thousand miles per hour. Kiyo forces her eyes open and looks out the window to the dark outdoors.

It’s two am and Kiyo still can’t sleep, her brain rushing too fast for even her to keep up. It has been a two days since the Homecoming dance, but Kiyo can’t get that night out of her mind. She forces open her eyes and looks out the window trying to get a glance at the stars, she tries to calmly breathe, in and out, in and out, she tells herself.

“Why can’t things be easy anymore?” She whispers to herself in dead of night as she looks, desperately, trying to catch a glimpse of the moon.

Kiyo closes her eyes for a moment, just enough time for Lana’s face to appear in her mind. Kiyo’s breathing gets faster as she yanks open her eyes, “I’m okay, I’m okay; I am going to be okay, I’ll get over this.”

Kiyo slams her head against the wall again, “I have to.” Kiyo stares at her blank ceiling for what seems like hours when she hears a slight buzz from her phone on her nightstand next to her bed. Kiyo lazily reaches over and unlocks her screen, she sees a text and freezes.

Lana just texted her.

Kiyo lays there stunned, why would she text her, of all people, at two-twenty-eight in the freaking morning on a school day nonetheless?

 **‘hey kiyo, u up?’** Lana’s text reads.

She blinks, then Kiyo’s fingers start moving. _‘yup'_

_‘why r u up?’_

**‘youngest sister finally stopped crying’**

Kiyo cringes, _‘so why aren’t u going to bed now?’_

**‘i’m guessing u have never been woken up by a screaming baby, bc that shit wakes u up fast’**

_‘nah, I havent gotten the privilege’_

**‘what are u doing up?’**

_‘just thinking’_

_‘the stars are pretty tonight’_

**‘the moon is kinda obnoxious though’**

Kiyo chuckles quietly, _‘yup its a huge mirror, what do u expect?’_

**‘the pizza man to tell me that i look pretty’**

**‘idk’**

Kiyo chuckles and smiles, _‘have u recovered from the dance?’_

**‘yup, i am meant for heels but sadly my feet are not.’**

**‘u?’**

_‘kinda, mostly not though’_

**‘u didn’t wear heels though’**

She noticed that, Kiyo realizes and her eyes widen in surprise. _‘i wear sneakers every single day’_

_‘my feet aren’t trained in the art of the heels’_

**‘what makes u feel amazing?’**

_‘what do u mean?’_

**‘dressing up and showing people the best parts of me on my own account make me feel special’**

**‘i noticed that this obviously doesn’t apply to u, so…’**

_‘looking at the stars’_

_‘i know it sounds cliche’_

_‘thinking about the great unknown somehow lets me know that I’m not alone in the universe’_

**‘wow’**

**‘this just got really deep’**

_‘sorry’_

**‘no’**

**‘no, it’s okay**

**‘just that i didn’t expect to have this conversation’**

**‘like at all’**

_‘what did u expect from this?’_

**‘idk…’**

**‘i guess i needed to talk to someone’**

_‘what’s on ur mind Lana?’_

Silence for a minute, then two, Kiyo starts thinking that she overstepped, then:

**‘i honestly dont know’**

**‘teenage hormones amiright?’**

Kiyo takes a big breath out, _‘another weird ass question…’_

**‘shoot’**

_‘how do you figure out who u are?’_

**‘me specifically?’**

_‘yes’_

Another minute goes by, **‘i make lots of mental lists in my head of the topic’**

**‘u?’**

Kiyo stares out of the window, then her fingers fly across the keyboard. _‘drawing’_

**‘u draw?’**

_‘yea’_

_‘mostly on bad days, and sometimes good days, i draw whatever my headspace feels like’_

_‘most of them come out slightly abstract’_

**‘headspace?’**

_‘jumbled feelings plus thoughts equals headspace’_

**‘ah makes sense’**

**‘is ur headspace weird sometimes?’**

_‘sometimes’_

**‘...’**

Kiyo hesitates, should she tell Lana about the real reason she thought that she was weird and different? She puts down the phone, mulling over the question.

**‘sorry i asked’**

**‘just realised how intrusive of a question that is…’**

_‘no, it’s okay’_

_‘one time i was feeling kinda weird and like the world was against me, so i started sketching and drawing’_

_‘i somehow ended up drawing a balloon with a little bit of rolled up paper attached to the bottom of the string’_

_‘the balloon was hovering underneath this low hanging tree with sharp branches that would cut and pop the balloon, but here’s the catch’_

_‘it was also raining outside, the balloon was trapped, hovering between being stabbed and drowning, both ways lead to popping’_

**‘thats intense’**

_‘yea, it was weird’_

**‘are u ok though?’**

_‘im better now’_

**‘ok, might i ask a weird question?’**

_‘fire away’_

**‘i love the song reference btw’**

**‘how long ago did you draw that?’**

_‘...end of school last year’_

_‘about 6 months ago’_

**‘im sorry’**

_‘about what?’_

**‘idk’**

**‘can i ask what happened?’**

Kiyo sighs, and tries to get her thoughts arranged, she looks out towards the moon for a moment and realises that Lana is probably looking at the same time.

_‘i was socially outcast and harassed a bit, it got a bit overwhelming at times’_

A minute passes, then Lana replies. **‘im sorry’**

**‘i know its cliche but im sorry’**

_‘its ok’_

_‘really’_

_‘its okay’_

**‘ok’**

**‘thanks for telling me i guess…’**

_‘it’s late Lana, get some sleep’_

**‘its not that late…’**

_‘it is literally three freaking am’_

_‘we have school today’_

**‘ok fine’**

**‘ttyl’**

_‘night’_

_‘ttyl’_

Kiyo’s eyes start to close but not before she can plug her phone into her charger and pull up the nice and warm covers around her. She is out even before she can blink.

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  


The next couple days somehow speeds by for Kiyo, but every piloting class, time seems to slow down for her, but not in a bad way. About a week after Lana and Kiyo’s hour long texting conversation at two am, Mr. Dean decides to make them all take notes on a video that he puts up, but no one pays attention.

Kiyo brings out some homework and places her earbuds in her ears, Lana looks over at her work. “Do you get how that works?”

Kiyo looks up and nods, “yeah…”

Lana smiles, “great.” She reaches inside her own backpack and pulls out sheets of paper, “then can you help me with this?” Lana looks a little sheepish underneath her smile, but Kiyo knows that Lana is hesitant, but she shrugs it off.

“Of course,” Kiyo takes her earbuds out, pauses her music, and looks over at Lana’s worksheet. “What do you need help with?”

“Uhhh,” Lana raises an eyebrow and slowly gestures all over the paper with her fingers and hands vaguely waving, “all of it?”

Kiyo lets out a chuckle, “okay then. Tell me what you use the cos to find something on a triangle for.”

Lana gives her a blank look and Kiyo edits her statement, “what do you use the cos to find on a triangle?”

Lana nods and explains it pretty well, Kiyo nods and gestures when Lana gets stuck the few times. “Now about the sin one.”

Kiyo and Lana are still working intently when the bell snaps them out of their concentration. Lana smiles self-consciously, “thanks Kiyo.”

Kiyo smiles, “you’re welcome, don’t worry about it, you’ll figure it out and you’ll do fine.”

Lana gives a shaky smile back before Lana leaves the classroom and Kiyo lets out a huge breath she didn’t know that she was holding in.

As Kiyo is leaving school she hears very few whispers about a new space launch today. “Did you hear about the Kerberos mission?”

Kiyo smiles softly to herself as she puts her earbuds back in and slides onto the bus. Pidge slowly sits next to her, but they are almost completely silent today. Kiyo eyes them warrily until both of them get off the bus, both of them are alone today, so Kiyo jumps on Pidge as soon as the bus drives away.

“What happened Pidge?”

But they shake their head, “it’s okay Kiyo, nothing happened.”

The way that Pidge shrugs it off makes her defensive though, “Pidge I swear-”

“Junior guy named Quentin in engineering. He kept calling me a dude and I was getting nervous about it, then when he notices that Hannah and I are helping each other a lot, he calls us out on it. He asked Hannah, right in front of me I might add, if she would go hook up with him after class. Hannah was disgusted and strongly declined, then he asked if it was because of her boyfriend. At this point in time the entire class was silent. Hannah was silent and I haven’t been assumed in a while and it hurt-”

Kiyo grabs onto Pidge’s small frame and holds her close on the sidewalk. “I got you,” she gently whispers, she feels their body shuddering as they try to slow their breathing.

“Hannah stood up for me, saying that we aren’t dating, just friends, but then he called her a slut and a whore, and so I stood up and tried to punch him in the face but she held me back. I yelled at him that I am non-binary and if he wasn’t a huge dick then he would know.”

Kiyo smiles against their fluffy golden hair at Pidge’s spunk, but she can still feel their frame shuddering slightly, so they don’t move while Pidge calms down enough to nod and hug Kiyo back.

Kiyo slowly walks Pidge home, “are you going to be okay?”

Pidge nods. “Do you want to tell your mom?” Kiyo asks softly.

They nod again. “Do you want me to be there?” Kiyo offers, but they shake their head no.

Pidge takes a deep breath, “I got it, thanks though.”

Kiyo and Pidge arrive at Pidge’s front door, “no problem Pidge, it’s okay.”

Pidge nods and steps into their house and Kiyo watches for a couple seconds, but then turns to her own house. Kiyo feels a buzz in her pocket and she pulls out her phone.

Lana just texted her, **’Kiyo, something happened…’**

Kiyo winces and texts back, _‘with Pidge and Hannah right?’_

**‘Yea**

**‘did they fill you in?’**

_‘kinda, it was mostly spotty but it took a toll on them’_

_‘hows hannah reacting to it?’_

Kiyo unlocks her front door and goes up to her room to try to start her homework, but she knows that she won’t get far. **‘not great, shes still pissed’**

**‘but she doesnt know what anyone can do about it’**

**‘ive offered to fight him but she refused’**

Kiyo places her backpack on her chair and lays down flat on the ground as she reads Lana’s texts.

_‘thats probably for the best’_

_‘but i see where ur coming from’_

**‘hows pidge doing?’**

_‘poorly, no one has mis-gendered them in a while’_

_‘its just a reminder of their weirdness to the heteronormative people’_

_‘and it took long for them to get to the place where they are at’_

**‘where they scream at a dick incarnate that they are nonbinary?’**

Kiyo can’t help but smirk and she feels a laugh escape her. _‘apparently’_

_‘but im proud of them’_

_‘They are so much more social and comfortable with their body now’_

A minute of silence from Lana, and Kiyo is about to put her phone away when Lana texts back. **‘i have an idea’**

**‘what happens if someone sends an email to the principal about Quentin being a serious dick/douchebag?’**

Kiyo raises her eyebrow, _‘thats a really good idea’_

_‘idk’_

_‘what would you send the principal?’_

**‘idk, maybe this guy is a dick?’**

**‘but more formal’**

_‘definitely more formal’_

_‘a one time instance doesn’t have much reasoning and evidence behind it though’_

**‘even though it’s harassment’**

_‘theres no way to prove it though’_

Kiyo huffs, _‘i wish sara was here’_

_‘shes so much better at this than i am’_

**‘better about what?’**

**‘also whos sara?’**

_‘older adoptive sister’_

_‘shes about to be 300,000 miles away soo...’_

**‘wait’**

**‘wut?’**

**‘how?’**

_‘shes on the Kerberos mission’_

**’seriously??!’**

**‘ur sister is Sara Shirogane?’**

_‘yes?’_

**‘thats so cool’**

**‘i didn’t know u 2 are related’**

_‘it never really comes up in conversation’_

_‘we have diff last names because her family adopted me two years back’_

**‘im sorry’**

_‘about what?’_

**‘ur parents’**

_‘u don’t have anything to be sorry about’_

_‘i dont know much about my dad and my mom wasn’t stable’_

_‘so the social services took me away when i was 2’_

**‘im sorry’**

_‘dont be’_

_‘its okay’_

**‘im still sorry anyway’**

Kiyo winces, _‘can we change the subject?’_

**‘yeah, sorry’**

**‘ok, ill stop’**

**‘when do you want to work on the project next?’**

_‘idk, we r getting through it pretty quickly’_

**‘can we do next weekend at my house?’**

Kiyo smiles softly, _‘sure’_

**‘what time are you free?’**

_‘pretty much every time’_

**‘ok, just asked my mom’**

**‘she says anyone is cool to come over after eight freaking am’**

**‘i won’t be awake till 11 tho’**

_‘sure, ill come over at eleven if that’s okay’_

**‘definitely’**

_‘ok c u tomorrow then’_

**‘c yah’**

**‘ttyl’**

Kiyo shakes her head with a smile on her face, _‘ttyl’_

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

 

  
Four pm standard time shines back at her on her phone, and she hasn’t started her homework yet. Kiyo tries desperately to focus on her work but her brain is on overdrive with Lana and her conversation and what happened with Pidge; her brain can’t stop rushing through all of the possibilities and the bad things that could happen.

Kiyo suddenly gets up and leaves and locks her house and just starts walking. She puts her earbuds in, starts playing some of her Angels in America songs, and the Main Title starts playing through to her ears. Kiyo walks and keeps walking until her legs get tired and she turns around. It’s five thirty by the time that she returns, and Haru and Akio are still not back yet.

Kiyo sighs and goes back upstairs to finish her homework, her head way clearer than it was before. After she finishes and while she eats some microwaved pasta for dinner, she texts Pidge.

_‘u ok?’_

‘im better now’

‘i got the anger out of my system’

_‘do u want me to come over?’_

‘can i come over to u?’

_‘of course’_

In less than a minute there’s a slight knock on the door and Pidge calls as they open the door, “Kiyo?”

She walks to the door and Pidge meets her in the hallway, where for a second Kiyo just takes in Pidge’s slightly shaking frame. Pidge just slowly shakes her head and Kiyo rushes towards them, taking in their small frame in a huge hug.

Pidge silently shakes while Kiyo slowly leads them to the couch, “do you want to watch some aliens conspiracies?”

Pidge chuckles and nods, so Kiyo plays the old disk and they huddle up on the couch and watch Unacknowledged with ‘freaking Steven’ as Pidge calls him. They laugh at the absurdity of it all and watch as their brains explode over and over again.

By the time that Haru and Akio come home Pidge and Kiyo are laughing almost to the point of falling off the couch. Akio looks fondly at them laughing on the couch and she remembers when Kiyo first arrived at the Shirogane's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to just say thanks again to everybody here for just reading my work/inner demons. :-)
> 
> I'll try to stick to a consistent uploading schedule, one chapter every week on Saturdays, and I'll try to make them upload around three to four eastern standard time, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way (i.e. like now) *shrug* sorry!  
> Get ready for a sneak peak at backstories and the future in the next chapter! I'm not going to say anything but I'm really proud of how it came out and I'm pretty sure I died inside while writing it but whatever!  
> Happy reading!


	6. The Yesteryear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yesteryear: the recent years, time not long past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEEEY HEY HEY!  
> I am sorry (not sorry) for this in advance  
> JK no I'm not  
> Happy reading!  
> I know I'm already dead inside from writing this, but at least you all can be too!

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

-Lewis Carroll

_Kiyo was twelve years old when she arrived at the Shirogane’s household._

Akio looked her up and down and softly frowned at Kiyo Kogane who was presented like a toy that someone would buy at the supermarket; she shook her head at the absurdity of the fact that Kiyo, the twelve year old, incredibly thin girl who looked scared and scarred, was standing there looking hesitantly back up at Akio and Haru.

Haru watched his wife as she slowly knelt down in front of the young girl, Akio smiled softly but Kiyo just watched her with her wide eyes. “Hi Kiyo,” Akio said gently.

“My name is Akio, just like yours, this is Haru,” she gestured towards Haru who was still softly smiling at his wife and Kiyo. “We are going to be taking care of you. Are you okay with that?”

After a couple seconds, Kiyo nodded hesitantly and Akio smiled. “Good, I hope you’ll like our house, and while we are there you can meet Sara.” Kiyo slowly nods and follows them outside of the adopting agency and to their car from which they drove home.

Kiyo didn’t speak for two weeks, everyone had never pushed her, but instead allowed her to stay silent for as long as they needed. Akio, Sara, and Kammi had almost gotten used to their foster child’s quietness until she softly spoke in front of everybody, “thank you.”

Akio gingerly smiled while Kammi was stunned and Sara had tears in her eyes. “For what sweetheart?”

Kiyo slowly smiled, “for everything.”

Sara was eighteen when Kiyo first was welcomed into their house;

Sara was nineteen when the Shirogane’s officially adopted a thirteen year old Kiyo;

Kiyo was thirteen when Sara was offered a job at the academy that she finished high school at: the Galaxy Garrison;

Sara was twenty two when she left Earth with a very specific Matthew and Samuel Holt on a government sanctioned mission to the newly discovered natural satellite orbiting around Pluto called Kerberos, and Sara Shirogane was twenty two when her mission went wrong;

Kiyo was fifteen when her world flipped upside down, and sixteen when it was expanded to the maximum.

 

⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

 

Age six: Katie Holt looked up and down the skirt that their mom had picked out for them, “do you like it sweetie?”

Katie frowned and shook their head, their mom set the skirt down and asked her six year old, “okay then, what would you like?”

Katie shrugged and pointed towards the pants. “Okay, let’s do that,” their mom replied.

Over the years Katie cut their hair shorter and shorter, and as a first grader no one cared, but the parents did.

“Mommy, why do people hate me?” Katie asked their mom once, and their mom’s eyebrows furrowed in concern and confusion.

“What do you mean sweetie?”

“I heard other mommies and daddies talk about me, and they aren’t nice.”

Colleen Holt put her arms gently around her daughter, which she was realizing that she could not be her ‘daughter’ so per say. “Some people aren’t nice sweetie, all we can do is be nice to everyone.”

Katie nodded and their brother rushed into the room right then, “they were giving out model spaceships at school Katie, want to build it with me?”

Katie’s eyes and face lit up and they rushed to Matt’s side and gripped his hand, “can I?”

Matt smiled and ushered them into the family where they built all of their crazy plans and machines.

Age eight: Katie looks warily in their new class in fourth grade, except that they were supposed to be in third grade. Katie kept tugging on their skirt to pull it down and there were deafening whispers among the older kids. Katie never felt right in their skin, they felt like they were like a caterpillar without the ability to turn into a butterfly. For years they kept to themself, studied, tried to make friends, but few stayed and even fewer they liked enough to bond with.

Age eleven, sixth grade: Katie thinks that it’ll be just like the last couple years. Until they sees someone new play in the front yard of the Shirogane’s house, the across-the-street neighbor.

“Hi,” Katie says as they hesitantly walk up to the new girl, “I’m Katie.”

The new girl’s face breaks into a smile, “I’m Kiyo, want to be friends?”

Katie smiles, “absolutely.”

“Katie!”

Katie’s eyes lit up as their eyes found the source of the voice, it was Kiyo. “We are in the same class!”

Kiyo’s smile lets up Katie’s entire future, from the time that they first met to the beginning of the end, they were best friends through thick and thin.

Through the time when Kiyo got a panic attack in school and she locked herself in the bathroom and Katie had to talk her out of the stall.

Through the time when Katie told Kiyo that they don’t feel comfortable in skirts and dresses and earrings and necklaces because they felt cramped.

Through the times of many long sleepless nights when Katie thought that they were crazy or insane and definitely not normal.

Through the time when Katie had had enough with the people at school saying that they didn’t look like a girl, so they cut their hair in their bathroom and then stressed about how their family would react, but their family was loving the new spontaneous haircut and their mom even offered to even it out a little.

Through the time when Katie told Kiyo that they didn’t feel comfortable referring to themself as a ‘she’ anymore and the both of them spent an entire sleepover brainstorming names that Katie was okay with.

Through the time when Katie told their entire family that they no longer felt comfortable as ‘she’.

Through the time when Katie became the mighty Pidge.

Through the time when Pidge told all of their teachers in ninth grade that Pidge is their name and, “if you could refer to me as ‘they’ that would be amazing.”

Through the time when Pidge screamed at a douchebag that they are non-binary.

Through the time when Pidge’s entire life changed when they were thirteen and somehow yet again when they were fifteen.

 

⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

 

Hannah Garrett remembers her dad;

She remembers the warm hands that used to tickle her late at night when they both should be asleep;

She remembers his muscled arms that could somehow lift her to the stars and back;

She remembers the loud screaming even later at night and the nights where her mom would sleep in Hannah’s bed to calm her down;

She remembers the bruises that her mom tried to cover up;

She remembers the warm hands that weren’t soft anymore as they were used to grip her arm to the point where Hannah would start crying;

She remembers when her mother frantically stuffed things in a suitcase and they ran away to the city, where they live in now;

She remembers when she met Lana and her world got just a little bit brighter in her darkest days;

She remembers all of it.

She remembers when Lana stood up for her when fat rumors were circling around and she was sometimes crying herself to sleep:

She remembers those people who would give her dirty looks from just walking;

She remembers when she realised that being bigger was a bad thing;

She remembers when she realised that being darker was a bad thing;

She remembers when she realised that being both is even worse;

She remembers when her mom laughed for real for the first time in four years;

She remembers when she had her first sleepover with Lana and Lana’s family became Hannah’s second family;

She remembers when she felt completely included for the first time in her entire life and she remembers the feeling of never wanting to leave;

She remembers all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Hannah knows that she must be who she must be and face tomorrow.

But what she didn’t know is that her entire life would change when she would turn sixteen.

 

⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

 

Alana McClain loved the stories that always ended with ‘and they lived happily ever after’, but more than that she loved the women and girls that threw everything away to save their own lives, she thought that those stories romanized what the girls were doing to get out of a bad situation; Lana knew that she felt inspired by those women to be themselves, so why were her familia shaming women for doing the same thing?

Lana looked up to her abuelita when she was only five, “this is why the world is going to hell when the next generation takes over, they are already spoiling the youth.”

Lana blinks and looked up to her mami as she silently nods and her tias as they shot disgusted looks at random people and her tios and she watched rolled their shoulders; it all sent a shiver up her spine. Lana watched those people as they walked and talked and looked happy.

Lana didn’t understand why people had to be separated, but she eventually did.

Lana was eight when she met Hannah Garrett, they met when Lana noticed that Hannah was being shy on the first week of school, so when she left some people to say hi to the new girl, people were disgusted that she would leave them. Lana left them and played with Hannah and they soon became best friends, and even better friends when they realised that they lived in the same neighborhood as each other; Lana never looked back.

Lana was thirteen when she saw her first pride parade and how her familia reacted to it. She saw that the people in the parade were only promoting love, so why did so many people respond with hate?

And why was one of those people her dear and loving abuelita?

Why did Lana’s familia stand behind her when Abuelita was yelling and screaming things while Lana’s Mami hold hands over her ears while trying to protect her three siblings?

And why did Lana’s soul get a little crushed when she heard her family talk that way?

Lana was fourteen when she met Kiyo Kogane, and she was sixteen when her entire life changed forever and seventeen when it somehow happened again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEEEEEY everybody!  
> So I said that I would be posting at normal non-nocturnal hours and hey, I am here! I have succeeded in my quest for the day.  
> FQA from this chapter that I can feel bubbling in your brains:  
> Did I cry writing this? Only a little (so much tbh)  
> Why do I write angst? Because technically angst is something bad that happens to everybody, and I feel the need to get the word out about bad things happening all around us, also I love you all!  
> Happy reading!!


	7. The Combination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Combination: the act of combining or the state of being combined; an alliance of persons or parties

“In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”

-George Orwell

Saturday morning, ten-thirty, Kiyo looks up at her reflection in the mirror and sighs. She shakes her head and changes into her jeans with a red sweatshirt. She looks at her phone for the last time to remember Lana’s address as she bounces down the stairs.

“Bye Kammi!” She calls as she walks to the door.

“Have fun Kiyo!” Kiyo hears from inside the house, she grabs her house key and her wallet and walks out.

Kiyo walks to their garage and hops onto her bike, and with her earbuds in her ears, she starts biking to Lana’s house.

Kiyo looks at the house, she hears distant laughter and little screaming and giggling. She takes a big inhale and then exhale, she blinks, then forces her finger to press the doorbell.

Ten seconds pass, then five more, and five more, Kiyo starts thinking that maybe it’s the wrong house or that she shouldn’t have come here, then Lana opens the door with a smile.

“Hey!”

Kiyo smiles, “hey.”

“Ready to try to do work but not really get anything done?” Lana asks and Kiyo lets out a huff of laughter. Someone pushes against Lana's legs, Kiyo just furrows her eyebrows as Lana wrestles someone shorter out of the doorway.

“Sorry,” Lana says with a chuckle, “my family’s a mess sometimes.”

“No it’s okay,” Kiyo reassures her, but as the person tries to shove past Lana again, Lana gives up and lets her sibling pass through the doorway.

A small, chocolate brown looking skin girl with shoulder length hair just a little bit lighter than Lana’s looks up at Kiyo who smiles down at her.

“Hi,” Kiyo greets gently, trying to seem as non-threatening as possible, but the girl just stares and blinks.

“Cleo, can you let Kiyo in?” Lana asks as she smiles sheepishly at Kiyo. Cleo turns around without a word and squeezes past Lana, who lets her through, then opens the door wide and steps back to allow Kiyo into her home.

“Sorry about that, Cleo’s quiet, but she’ll figure out anyone’s secrets in a heartbeat.”

Kiyo steps through the doorway and is struck by how at-home Lana’s house made her feel. There are toys stroun everywhere, there’s even a dark green, hoodie-type jacket draped over the railing of the stairs. When Kiyo looks to her right into the family room there is a bookshelf with books meant for all ages, Kiyo can’t help but smile at the scene in front of her.

Lana closes the door behind Kiyo and starts leading her down the hall in front of them. “So I probably should have given you a run down before, but I completely forgot... so yeah.”

Lana and Kiyo arrive and step into the kitchen where a shorter stockier woman is worriedly hovering over two people, one boy who just slightly shorter than Lana with short cut darker hair, and the girl is half of the woman’s height with the same shade of hair as Lana brought up into cute pigtails decorated with multicolored scrunchies.

“You must be Kiyo!” The woman greets Kiyo and pulls her into a loose hug and Kiyo desperately tries not to flinch from the sudden contact but no one notices.

“Mami,” Lana protests as the woman pulls away. “This is my mom,” the woman, Mrs. McClain, waves to Kiyo with a very contagious smile and Kiyo smiles back. “This little one is named Veronica,” Lana says as she plucks the young girl up as giggles escape Veronica. “And that one-”

“Hey,” the boy protests, but Lana just gives him a quiet smile and continues.

“Is Gavin,” Lana finishes with a roll of her eyes.

Gavin huffs and glances at Kiyo as Mrs. McClain tries to take Veronica from Lana. “Don’t you girls have homework to finish?”

Kiyo chuckles as Lana reluctantly hands Veronica into her mother’s arms. “I guess…”

Lana’s mom gives her a stern look, “you better get to it then.” Effectively shooing Kiyo and Lana upstairs but Kiyo laughs with it all.

Lana leads the way up the stairs and into her room, where Kiyo is once again taken aback at the hominess of it all. There is an Imagine Dragons poster on her wall and a random compass rose taped to her wall. Her closet it closed and her bed is neatly made.

Lana spins in the middle of her room then turns and faces Kiyo, “welcome to mi habitación.”

Kiyo smiles as she gets a better look around the room. “Cool room,” she says as she turns back to face Lana.

Lana plops down in the middle of her room on the floor, “you can sit if you want.”

Kiyo sits and swings her backpack around to get the stuff out of it. “So we’re almost halfway done with this, but the only way to present this is with a standard presentation powerpoint, so we have to get started on that.”

Lana brings her notes closer and starts flipping through to find the schematics of the ship that they have to work with. “Okay, should we start with the ship’s info or the planet’s?”

Kiyo opens up her laptop, “probably the planet…” She starts typing with Lana also getting out her computer. “Hey, can I share this with you?”

Lana looks over and nods. They keep typing for what seems like an hour then Kiyo inhales then softly utters, “can we listen to music?”

Lana looks up and nods with a smile, “yeah, of course, what do you want to listen to?”

Kiyo just gives her a sideways smile before opening up her phone and scrolling. Suddenly ABBA softly sings through the speakers on Kiyo’s phone and Lana smiles.

“Dancing Queen is a classic.”

Kiyo grinns, “I’m glad someone knows the wonders of the eighties.”

They keep working when familiar lyrics flow out into the world gently, ‘I’ve been cheated by you since you know when…’

‘So I’ve made up my mind, it must come to an end. Look at me know, will I ever learn?’

Lan starts softly humming along subconsciously as she keeps working but suddenly Kiyo can’t concentrate. She inhales and exhales softly and tries to get her mind back on track.

“Can I choose the song?” Lana asks and she picks up her phone as the song winds down.

Kiyo nods, “yeah.” She turns off her music coming from her phone as the song ends and tries focuses on her computer. Something pops into her head, we’ll have to present this in front of the class, Kiyo shivers, she can already feel the eyes staring into her. Kiyo shakes her head and blinks, she struggles to refocus her eyes on the screen.

A melody bursts from Lana’s phone that sounds comfortable and familiar to Kiyo.

‘What if, what if we run away?’

‘What if, what if we left today?’

Kiyo smiles, Troye Sivan. His song gives her enough energy to keep working for a couple more minutes, until she can’t take staring at a screen anymore.

Kiyo shuts her laptop shut with a sigh and she leans back until her back is completely touching the carpeted floor of Lana’s room. “I can’t think anymore,” Kiyo replies to the feeling that Lana’s eyes are barring into her. “I need a serious break, we are almost done anyway.”

Lana chuckles and sighs as she closes her laptop and spins it to the ground. “Yeah, my brain is dead.” Lana lies down a couple feet away from Kiyo, Lana doesn’t notice, but Kiyo sure does.

Kiyo looks up at the ceiling and realises that Lana has stars stuck up there. Kiyo blinks, and as she looks closer at them she notices that they are three-dimensional and sticking down from the ceiling.

Lana notices Kiyo looking intently at the stars and she smiles without realising it. She looks up at the stars that she remembers putting up the summer before sophomore year of high school when she was worried that she’ll never see the stars again. “I put those up there so I would never forget the stars.”

Kiyo turns to look at Lana, but Lana keeps watching her stars. “They are also glow in the dark,” she adds. Kiyo shifts a little bit as she tears her gaze away from Lana.

They lay there in quietly and in peace for about ten minutes, then Lana starts to fidget. She tries to stop it, but she doesn’t know why she is fidgeting in the first place.

“Do you want to play twenty questions?”

Lana turns her head and looks at Kiyo, who has been watching her fidget for the past two minutes. She shrugs, “sure, do you want to go first?”

Kiyo hesitantly nods, “sure, okay…” Kiyo closes her eyes for a second and thinks. “Tell me about your family.”

“Seriously?”

Kiyo nods, “yeah.”

Lana sighs, “Okay. My mami's name is Rosa, my papi's name is Diego. You saw my three siblings, Gavin, Cleo, and Veronica, the baby. I’m the oldest at fifteen, Gavin’s eleven, Cleo’s nine, and Veronica is five.”

Kiyo gently smiles at nothing.

Lana turns her head to her, “can I ask you a personal question?”

Kiyo turns and looks at Lana with a slightly raised eyebrow, “depending on how personal it is.”

Lana shrugs and turns her eyes back to the ceiling, “fair enough.”

A second passes, then two and three and four, Kiyo twists her eyes back to the ceiling and starts to absentmindedly count the stars in the silence.

“Do you remember your family?”

Kiyo slowly inhales and closes her eyes. She decides to play it safe, “not really, I was taken from Korea when I was really little and placed in foster care until the Shirogane’s adopted me.”

“How long?” Lana whispers, and Kiyo glances to her left at Lana.

“What?”

Lana turns to face Kiyo, “how long?”

Kiyo turns back to the ceiling and Lana soon follows; she doesn’t see Kiyo’s hands and fingers relentlessly fidget with her shorts hem because she doesn’t trust many people and she is weighing her options of trusting her enough to keep going; Lana gripping her thumb until it starts turning white because she can’t get the feeling that she overstepped her boundaries by asking that question out of her head; they don’t see that they are both struggling every single day.

“Two.”

Lana’s eyes run towards Kiyo, “what?”

Kiyo sighs slowly and feels the air fill her up and slowly leave her. “I was two when I last saw my biological father.”

Lana twists away, but Kiyo can’t stop talking now. “I don’t remember what he looked like exactly, but I remember his laugh and his smile and how he just laughed all the time.

“I remember the last time that I saw him and how he was crying but I didn’t know why then. When I was put in the first foster care family I was told that the man would be my dad and I just remember being really happy then realising later that the new guy isn’t my dad, just a replacement. I remember realising that I would never see him again.”

Kiyo clenches her hands into fists and tries desperately to breathe, _just breathe._ Five seconds pass of silence excluding Kiyo’s slightly ragged breathing, while Lana tries to process.

“I’m sorry,” Lana whispers. Lana tries to stay forever still and not look towards Kiyo.

It works for three and a half seconds, Lana twists her head and glances at Kiyo. If Lana doesn’t know her then she would have guessed that she is calm, but Lana knows her, and she knows that she isn’t. She can see her slightly tense shoulders and the way that her fingers are gripping her thumb the way they are and the way that her eyes are just squeezed closed too tightly.

“I’m sorry-I didn’t know-”

“It’s okay,” Kiyo interrupts, “there was no way for you to know.”

“Are you okay?” Kiyo slowly opens her eyes and sighs, not daring to look at Lana, “honestly I still think about him probably more than I should, but there’s nothing I can do about it so I think so.”

Lana’s mouth twists into a worried line but she turns back to the ceiling. “Do you want to change the subject?”

Kiyo slowly nods and whispers, “yes please.”

“Okeey,” Lana says suddenly with a smile on her face. “How do you want to present the project?”

Kiyo groans and tries to hide a smile, “ugh, I don’t know. Are you good at public speaking?”

Lana shrugs, “eh, I’m okay at it I guess. You?”

Kiyo sighs, “if I’m being completely honest, awful.”

Lana chuckles, “why?”

“I just get really anxious about it.”

“Okay, do you want me to talk about most of the slides then? You don’t have to do much but I know that in order for you to get a good grade you have to say something so…”

“That would be great, thank you,” Kiyo smiles and finally turns to Lana.

Suddenly the door bursts open with a bang, Kiyo jumps into a sitting up position and sees one of Lana’s siblings is standing in the doorway. Kiyo exhales and tries to calm her sudden accelerated breathing as Lana sits up. “Cleo,” Lana says with a frown, “have you ever heard of knocking?”

Cleo rolls her eyes, “Mami said that Kiyo’s welcome to stay for dinner in forty-five minutes.” With that Cleo spins on her toes and struts out into the hallway and Lana catches a glimpse of her running and skipping down the stairs for the millionth time.

Lana sighs and stands up, “you can stay if you want.”

Kiyo shakes her head, “thanks but I have to get home.” She starts to gather her stuff and Lana crouches down to help her, and Kiyo hopes that her blush isn’t visible at this angle to Lana. They stuff the few things that Kiyo brought into her backpack then Kiyo slides it effortlessly onto her back.

“Thank you for letting me come over here.”

Lana smiles, “don’t worry about it, it was fun.”

She leads the way out the door and watches Kiyo hop on her bike and start riding away and she feels a pang of something inside her chest, but then she hears something crash behind her. She rolls her eyes at her family playfully and closes the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEEEEY everybody!  
> So I know that this fic is the definition of slow burn but stay with me here, besides it is finally getting good and things are going to start unravel soon.  
> The next chapter may or may not bring you to tears but don't worry I got you covered with some fluff and angst this chapter!  
> Happy reading!!


	8. The Abatement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abatement: the ending, reduction, or lessening of something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!! Sorry this is a little late in the day but my family just hosted a party and my introvert-butt finally got some time to myself to post this. I really hope you all like this, and this is the longest chapter I have posted on here, complete with some light fluff and heavy angst.  
> Happy reading!

“Promise me a place in your house of memories.”

-Brendon Urie

Pidge sighs as they walk down the hallway closer and closer to her Engineering room, but after the incident they are nervous walking into that class alone again. They take a deep breath outside the doorway, trying to calm their nerves, and it doesn’t work as well as Pidge would like.

Pidge shakes their head and tries again to get themself to walk in the door, but their feet won’t move. That is until Pidge hears a voice from down the hall calling to them, “hey Pidge.”

Pidge smiles, “hey Hannah, how’s life?”

She smiles as she wraps her arm around Pidge’s shoulders and Pidge gives her a grateful look. “Better now that we get to take over the world.” Hannah takes a good look at Pidge, “you ready?”

After a moment Pidge nods and Hannah smiles with relief. “Awesome-sauce.”

Hannah leads Pidge inside the room just two minutes before class starts. Pidge tries to ignore the glances and the stares from other people, but every time that Hannah catches someone glance in their direction with anger or spite she bits back with just as much fury if not more with her death glares.

Pidge has never been more grateful towards her and it fills them with pride.

As class winds down and everyone puts their stuff away Pidge turns to Hannah. “Thank you.”

Hannah just smiles, “don’t worry about it. Oh right, do you want to hang out with Lana and I this Saturday? There’s a new ice cream place near our houses and we wanted to check it out and it’s supposed to be really hot this weekend and-“

“Hannah I’ll go,” Pidge says with a laugh, “you don’t need to convince me.”

Hannah smirks, “awesome. I’ll tell Lana, can you ask Kiyo? Lana might have forgotten to.”

Pidge nods, “yeah, of course. The bell rings and the herding of cattle begins. “See you Saturday.”

“I’ll text you,” she calls over her shoulder. Hannah then waves a ‘see ya’ and nods back at her with a grin.

As Pidge walks through the halls and gets jostled with almost every step as they wonder with a shrug why it isn’t Friday yet.

  


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Kiyo shrugs her way onto the bus, quickly finds a seat, slides halfway to the window to save the seat for Pidge, and sighs. She stares outside the window and wonders what Sara is doing now. Probably exploring strange new worlds and discovering fascinating things every single day.

Someone shoves Kiyo’s shoulder so that her body is harshly thrown against the window and Kiyo tries to keep her head from banging against the window. She looks at a guy’s back at he keeps walking nonchalantly down the bus aisle towards the back. Kiyo slowly pulls her backpack and stuff closer towards her and tries to shrink down even more than she was before.

Kiyo hugs her stomach as she waits not-so-patiently for Pidge, and when they finally board the bus she sighs with relief, she feels like she is suddenly safer and protected from the world.

Pidge smiles as they see her and they scoot next to her gently, “wassup?”

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “not much, how was school this very iffy day?”

Pidge shrugs, ‘eh, iffy I guess.” Kiyo smiles, but she still hugs her stomach self-consciously, she thinks that Pidge doesn’t notice, but Pidge notices everything about her.

The bus ride is uneventful, for the most part. Kiyo tries to keep her eyes steady and in front of her but more than once she couldn’t help but glance behind her with slightly elevated breaths. Everytime Pidge notices they try to change the subject, trying to get her mind off of whatever happened. “Oh yeah, so Hannah and Lana want to hang out on Saturday with both of us at a new ice cream store. She said that she’d text me but I think I’ll just make a group chat with all of us.”

Kiyo can’t help but smile at the thought of everyone having ice cream together, the way that the four of them just clicked at Homecoming makes Kiyo really want to keep these friends. She really doesn’t want to mess it up. Kiyo looks at Pidge with a smile, “great, do you want to make the chat now? I have Lana’s number and I’m guessing you have Hannah’s.”

Pidge gives her a sly grin, “of course you have Lana’s number.”

“We have a project together!” Kiyo protests giving Pidge an innocent face but they don’t buy it, not for a second, they know Kiyo too well.

“Mh-hmm, I remember,” Pidge rolls their eyes but starts creating the group chat on her phone. While Kiyo shows Lana’s number to them, they notice that Kiyo’s hands are still shaking, they close their eyes for a second, reminding themself that they will not utterly destroy whoever-did-this’ life when they get to them.

Kiyo and Pidge get off at their stop, someone gets off before them at the same stop so they walk in silence until the bus has driven away and the girl is far enough in front of them so she isn’t in earshot anymore. Both of them are in front of Kiyo’s house when Pidge stops in their tracks and stares at Kiyo.

“What the fuck happened?”

Kiyo tries to keep walking but Pidge plants themself firmly in Kiyo’s path, obscuring her way to get home. “Kiyo I swear-”

“It’s okay Pidge,” Kiyo says avoiding their gaze.

“The fuck it is-look Kiyo,” Kiyo still refuses to look at them, but Pidge doesn’t give up. “Kiyo, you are an asshole right now.”

Kiyo still looks away and Pidge scrunches up their eyes in frustration. “What. Is. Happening. To. You. That. Makes. You. Act. Like. This.” Pidge says slowly and clearly, boring their eyes into Kiyo’s thick skull.

Kiyo absentmindedly scratches at her wrists while still, pointedly, not glancing at Pidge. She sighs and tries to talk but her words fail right before her mouth.

Kiyo sighs again, forcing her words out, “this guy has been walking up to me in the hallways and shoving me every time he walks past me or sees me.”

Pidge clenches their fists, “who’s the fucker?”

“He’s on our bus, that’s why I was so rattled, he shoved me into the window really hard and I wasn’t expecting it and I don’t know why he’s doing it and-” Kiyo sighs and looks away defeated- “I don’t know.” She looks down at the pavement and is surprised when she notices her arms are held protectively against her stomach and she is gripping her wrists really hard. She tries to release the tension but her muscles won’t listen, her muscles are wound up too tight and she feels too vulnerable and visible even though it’s only Pidge and she is too-

“Hey,” Kiyo’s eyes jump to Pidge as she is greeted with a worried expression. “Breathe with me okay?” Kiyo closes her eyes as she realises that she’s having a panic attack, she tires to calm her breathing with Pidge as they breathe together, but Kiyo’s brain is still moving too too fast for her to stop it everything just needs to stop stop it let me out.

“I can’t; I can’t; I can’t-” Kiyo’s eyes scitter up to Pidge as she realises that her breathing won’t calm down, she starts to get light-headed and a little dizzy.

“Kiyo,” Pidge declares over Kiyo’s harsh breathing, they put her hands on Kiyo’s shoulders and they grip her tightly to keep her from falling over. They know Kiyo has trouble standing upright when her brain goes haywire like this. Pidge looks deep into Kiyo’s eyes, “grounding.” They say, forcing Kiyo’s attention to go to them, “what are five things you can see?”

Kiyo tries to calm her breathing but it wont work, her brain is moving to fast and she feels lightheaded and her eyes try to take in everything but she sees nothing- “Kiyo, focus on my voice, what can you see?”

Kiyo closes her eyes for a second, then opens them again, “you.”

“One.”

“Stop sign.”

“Two.”

“Sidewalk.”

“Three.”

“Houses.”

“Four.”

“Trees.”

“Five, what are four things that you can feel?”

Kiyo closes her eyes as her breathing slows down just a little bit. “You.”

“One.”

“Backpack.”

“Two.”

“Shoes.”

“Three.”

“Clothes.”

“Four, what are three things you can hear?”

“You.”

“One.”

“Birds.”

“Two.”

“Wind.”

“Three, what are two things that you can smell?”

Kiyo’s breathing slows down a little more and her dizzyness eases away, but only a tad. “You.”

Pidge sadly smiles but Kiyo doesn’t notice, “one.”

“Plant oils being released because of the rain yesterday.”

“Two, what is one thing you can taste?”

Kiyo finally opens her eyes, her breathing is finally almost fully slowed and her head feels a lot clearer. She realises that she must have been biting her tongue or her cheek or something. “Blood.”

“And one.”

Kiyo take a large inhale then and even bigger exhale as she tries to clear her head. Pidge slowly leads her inside and up to her room until Kiyo collapses flat on her floor and takes in another deep breath. “Thanks Pidge.”

They shrug off their backpack and flump down next to Kiyo, “don’t worry about it, it’s the least I can do.”

Both of them sit there for about ten minutes before Kiyo slowly sits up, but she soon shudders and Pidge knows that they need to take Kiyo’s mind off her own brain. “So I never really asked you, but do you want to go to the new ice cream place near Lana and Hannah’s houses? Hannah asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes and she said that Lana is coming too and she asked me to ask you if you’ll come or not because she wants everyone to be there. Everyone meaning-“

“Hannah, Lana, you, and Moi.” Kiyo nods, “I’ll go Pidge, you already made the group chat didn’t you?”

“Well yeah,” they shrug, “but I wanted to make sure that you are going for yourself, not because I did or didn’t do something.”

“Thanks Pidge.”

“Besides it’s an excuse to see Lana right?” Pidge pesters with a smile and Kiyo turns away.

“I don’t know… I’ve been thinking lately that maybe I’m an idiot about this whole thing.”

“Wait why?” Pidge turns and faces Kiyo but she doesn’t look back at them.

“I don’t know… I think it’s all just unrequited, that nobody really knows about me, and the huge fact that she is straight?”

“And how do you know that?” Pidge looks at Kiyo with a stern look, “why is straight the default?”

“It’s not but…”

“Then stop it, if anyone deserves to be happy it’s you.”

Kiyo smiles and looks shyly at them, “thanks, seriously, I mean it.”

“I know, you always do.”

  


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Lana wrings her hands together worriedly, “do you think I messed up?”

Hannah turns to Lana with an incredulous look on her face, “okay wait, how did you get here? What happened?”

“I completely forgot to text Kiyo about ice cream thing, and now I think it’s too late to text her-” Lana turns to her phone as a buzz cuts her off. Both Hannah and Lana look over at her phone as messages start to appear on the screen and Hannah smiles.

“It’s fine,” Hannah resolves. Lana nods and smiles gently as she picks up her phone and starts to read the messages from Pidge and Kiyo.

‘yo yo yo yo welcome to the coolest group chat ever to be created’

‘im Pidge in case u didnt get that’

_‘we got it Pidge’_

‘im pretty sure we got it’

**‘oh yeah’**

‘okay everyone say names’

‘Pidge’

_‘Kiyo’_

**‘Lana’**

‘Hannah’

_‘cool cool’_

‘so when do u all want to meet?’

‘i was thinking we all could get food then ice cream’

‘cause its stupidly hot’

‘so 11’

**‘works for me’**

_‘same’_

‘i like it’

‘heres the address of ice cream:’

**‘theres food next door’**

‘3710 shannon drive huntsville’

‘also, random question’

_‘shoot’_

‘what r ur favorite colors?’

_‘whats this for?’_

‘just curious’

**‘blue’**

‘green’

_‘red’_

**‘i just want to let everyone know’**

**‘hannahs never ‘just curious’ shes got something up her sleeve’**

‘i feel beTRAYED’

‘besides everythings better with a surprise’

‘;-)’

_‘here we go’_

‘i smelled this a mile away

‘ull all be blown away’

‘dont forget to study for the test on monday’

**‘what test??’**

_‘chem’_

**‘welp shit’**

**‘i gotta go’**

_‘to study?’_

**‘maybe…’**

‘have fun!’

**‘no one has fun studying’**

‘then good luck’

**‘thx’**

  


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Kiyo feels better about how the week ended, she has amazing friends and she is going to eat food and ice cream with them in about, Kiyo checks her phone, two in a half hours. She sighs and flops back on her bed, half torn between getting up and being really lazy for the time being.

Kiyo blinks and suddenly almost two hours have passed and Pidge is texting her. ‘we have to go soon’

_‘meet you outside in 2’_

Kiyo meets Pidge outside and they both walk together down the street, occasionally laughing and all around smiling. Kiyo missed this, the casual joking banter between the two of them, but she knows that she’ll hold onto this forever.

Ten minutes pass and Pidge spots Hannah and Lana standing and chilling outside under a tree for shade near the coffee shop and food place. Hannah notices that Pidge is waving to her to so she waves back and gets Lana’s attention as Kiyo waves slower than Pidge’s gruntling of waving.

“Hey!” Lana calls out as soon as she notices Kiyo and Pidge walking closer.

“Hey back,” Kiyo replies as her and Pidge approach Hannah and Lana. “How’s life?”

“The stupid chem test is going to kill me,” Hannah says rolling her eyes.

Lana looks incredulously at Hannah, “it’s killing you? I promise you it’ll kill me more.”

“Food?” Pidge asks and Kiyo laughs. Everyone smiles as they all shuffle in and buy food, talk about everything and nothing, just laughing and giggling and having a great time.

After they finish, they walk two blocks down to the ice cream place, and as everyone stare at the flavors on the outside of the window Lana speaks up, “what are you all going to get?”

“Mint chocolate chip is my favorite,” Pidge states first.

With a slight jab from them Kiyo talks, “cookies and cream.”

Hannah nods, “good choice, but I gotta love me some cookie dough.”

Lana scoffs playfully, “you’re all weird, I love just regular chocolate…”

Hannah looks at Lana with a raised eyebrow and Lana giggles, “with extra chocolate of course.”

“Extra chocolate?” Pidge raises their eyebrows in mock confusion, “don’t you have enough chocolate?”

Lana puts her hands to her chest and give them a bewildered look, “I am distraught, distraught I say. How can anyone have _too_ much chocolate?”

This sends everyone into a fit of giggles, which follows them even into the store as they all order in cones. “Who gets a cup? They are all heathens,” Pidge inputs as Kiyo jabs them in the side with her elbow.

Lana steps up to finish her order, “just chocolate please.” She turns around and wiggles her eyebrows not-so-discreetly at Kiyo who bursts out laughing.

Everyone takes their ice cream to a vacant table outside, and Pidge smiles to themself as Kiyo lights up brighter that they have seen her in the last couple days. Pidge knows that she needs this, and they know that the stress of having your older sister, even though Kiyo’s adopted, in space will take a toll on her. Pidge knows about that very well, as their dad and brother are with Sara, but Pidge knows that they deal with family members that are away a lot better than Kiyo does.

Consistent chatter always flows through Kiyo’s ears and she is happy, she hasn’t been this happy and hasn’t laughed this much in a while and she likes it, she likes _this_.

“So do you all remember when I asked everybody for their favorite colors over the group chat?”

There is a chorus of nods as everybody looks at Hannah with slight confusion, but she just smiles.

“Well I had a little free time and-“

“So this is the thing that you had up your sleeve,” Lana looks at Hannah and she returns with a sly grin.

“Anyways…” Lana reaches inside her purse and then brings out her hands which are wrapped around something in a ball.

Lana, Kiyo, and Pidge all look at her as Hannah slyly smiles back at them. After a couple seconds and with an eyebrow being raised, Hannah opens her hands to reveal…

“Bracelets?” Pidge exchanges a quick look with Kiyo as they both stare at Hannah, but Lana seems to understand as she starts smiling.

“Bracelets,” Lana agrees, “and I see where this is going.”

Lana picks one of the four out from Hannah’s hands and holds it up so everyone can see it better. The bracelet has four different types of blue woven together in a diagonal pattern, and as Lana gently moves it, Kiyo is struck by how it almost seems to shimmer and fade in and out of the light. Lana grabs the red and green one and passed them to Kiyo then Pidge. Kiyo studies it with newfound fascination, she holds it up to the light and watches as the colors somehow blur together.

Kiyo watches as Hannah and Lana slowly demonstrate how to tie it on everyone’s wrist, Lana follows with ease and after a couple seconds Pidge also gets it, but Kiyo can’t seem to tie the knot.

“Here, let me do it,” Lana offers as she takes the bracelet from Kiyo’s slightly shaking hands. Heat rushes to Kiyo’s face as Lana carefully ties the knot around her wrist for her. Pidge just watches with a slight smile on their face.

“These are amazing Hannah, how did you do it?” Pidge asks to change the subject, which results in a slight smile form Kiyo as thanks, and everybody softly settles back into their chairs and smiles as Hannah explains.

“I used ninety-five centimeter long pieces of string, and for these I used four different colors, two pieces of string per color. I tied them all in a knot and then four-string-braided them for two inches down, then I started to tie two half knots per each string until I reached four inches before the average ends of the string. I then used the rest to braid it for two inches down then tie it up in a huge knot.”

Kiyo and Pidge stare at Hannah with wide eyes, and Lana huffs, “wow, where the hell did you find the time for that?” Lana stares at Hannah, “did you actually have time to study for the test at all?”

Hannah laughs and with a pointed look at Lana she asserts, “I just finish my homework on time, unlike _some_ people.”

Lana feigns offence, “whaat?” She giggles and rolls her eyes, “oh come on Hannah, everyone knows you are a genius, no need to rub it in.”

“I think that title belongs to Pidge because I like the title of queen more.”

“More like badass,” Lana declares with a smile.

Everyone laughs, but especially Kiyo who feels more at home then ever. She looks around at everyone while Lana and Hannah keep up their light bantering and she gently smiles. She knows that she doesn’t want to lose any of this. Her right hand goes to her left wrist and she smoothly brushes the tips of her fingers against the bracelet, and as Lana looks at her and they both smile. Kiyo notices that there is a quiet and calming silence that has overtaken everyone, so she works up the courage and utters something hurriedly.

“Thank you.”

Hannah’s head twists around to Kiyo with a confused look, “for what?”

“All of this I guess,” Kiyo vaguely waves her hands around a little. “Friends, plural, I never really had this.”

“You have it now,” Lana says. Pidge chuckles and Lana continues, “okay, can we not with the sappy stuff? I just wanted ice cream.”

“Yeah, okay, what about that new Star Wars movie though?” Hannah supplies.

“Phff, but what about the new Star Trek movie?” Lana tries, everyone smiles as they launch into a whole new debate over the best fandom to be a part of.

“Supernatural,” Pidge insists.

“Sherlock,” Kiyo requests.

“Doctor Who,” Lana presses.

“Disney,” Hannah urges and the three of them turn to look at Hannah.

“What?” She defends, “it could be literally anything. Disney is everything now.”

“I can’t tell if you are talking about Atlantis and Lion King or Home on the Range,” Kiyo replies.

Hannah shrugs vaguely and Lana laughs. They fall back into consistent yet light and hilarious bantering as if the last five minutes didn’t happen, and Kiyo is thankful for that.

Pidge quickly glances at their phone but for some reason this catches Kiyo’s eye. She watches as Pidge’s face goes from blissful and happy to confusion and bewilderment then to misery. Kiyo knows something is seriously wrong, “Pidge,” Pidge looks at her with the worst face Kiyo has ever seen on them. “What is it?”

Lana and Hannah look at both of them trying to figure out what’s wrong, but they only look at Kiyo with hollow eyes, still not saying anything. “Pidge-”

“It’s the Kerberos Mission.” Pidge doesn’t dare to break eye contact with Kiyo, “the Garrison just had a press release where they announced the death of everyone on board.”

Everything goes out of focus for Kiyo, suddenly all of the world is silent but for the words ‘the death of everyone on board’, which rings shrilly in her head over and over again. Kiyo never moves her eyes from Pidge’s face, desperately searching for any sign of lying, ‘it’s has to be a joke, it _has_ to be’ she keeps telling herself, but to no avail.

“Kiyo?” But she just turns her head away from everyone.

“I… I have to go,” she stutters out, she has to get up to get away she has to get _out_.

Kiyo tries to stand up but her breathing gets faster and she stumbles slightly and almost collapses but then Pidge is there holding her up by her arm. “I’m taking you home Kiyo.”

Kiyo nods slowly, but then her chest gets tighter and her head gets lighter and suddenly she starts shaking her head no and her she tries to talk to Pidge. “I can’t-”

Pidge nods and they slowly let Kiyo sit down against the wall, Pidge looks around to make sure that they haven’t grabbed the attention of random strangers. Lana and Hannah join Pidge as all of them slowly sit down in a semicircle around Kiyo, with Pidge in the middle, Lana is on their left and Hannah to their right.

Kiyo brings her knees to her chest and she wraps her arms around her head as she bows her head between her knees. She tries to breathe deeply but she can’t get the idea that everyone is going to leave her eventually out of her head.

“Grounding Kiyo,” Pidge insists, and Kiyo slowly nods as she brings her head up. _Five things you can see,_ Kiyo remembers, she looks at her friends, who she marvels at for a second as she realised that they didn’t leave her alone.

 _Lana._ “One,” Kiyo whispers and Pidge nods, silently urging her on.

 _Pidge,_ “two.”

 _Hannah._ “Three,” Pidge gently nods along with her.

 _Ice cream,_ “four.”

 _Table,_ “five.”

Kiyo’s breathing slows down considerably, but even still Pidge doesn’t let their gaze off of her.

“Are you okay?” Lana asks cautiously, and Kiyo takes a shaky inhale then exhale.

Kiyo hesitantly nods, “I’m okay.”

“Should we go home?” Hannah asks, but Kiyo looks away.

Pidge never takes their eyes off of Kiyo, but they nod, “yeah… I think we should.”

Lana gently grabs Kiyo’s hands and helps her stand up, but when Kiyo blinks hard and looks a little unsteady, Lana clutches on Kiyo’s wrist for support.

Kiyo shakes her head slightly and shoots and quick smile at Lana for the help, but even so she tries to walk steady and ignore the pounding of her heart or the the shaking of her knees or the overwhelming sensation of fear, of isolation, of desolation and alienation, of the fact that, maybe, everyone will leave her, one day.

One day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats on making it to the end.  
> If you are here then you survived the chapter that literally brought me to tears while writing it, so yeah...  
> Just another side note: the address that the ice cream place is at is completely made up and fictional, it does not exist because I actually haven't decided on an actual place for this to be set in, so yeah...  
> Good luck living!  
> And until next week!


	9. The Desolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desolation: a state of complete emptiness or destruction

“She wasn’t sad anymore, she was numb, and numb, she knew, was somehow worse.” 

-Atticus

Kiyo stares at the wall in silence;

Pidge stares at the wall in silence;

Lana stares at the wall in silence;

Hannah stares at the wall in silence; 

The world mourns as everyone realises, notices, and understands the fact that the first manned flight to the natural satellite orbiting Pluto, Kerberos, is gone.

Forever.

But no one really cares about the people that the mission left behind;

The Daughter; Sara Shirogane.

The Father; Samuel Holt.

The Brother; Matthew Holt.

Sure, there was a national memorial service, the Garrison held a memorial and let people leave mementoes and flowers and the like in spots around the campus, but it was not enough.

It is never enough.

The media stopped covering the deaths and the effects of the crash in a fortnight;

Everyone else soon followed not even a week later;

Except for seven lonely people.

Pidge Holt, Colleen Holt, Kiyo Kogane, Akio Shirogane, Haru Shirogane, Lana McClain, and Hannah Garrett.

  
  


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Kiyo delicately sighs into her palm as she does not dare to sway her eyes from the bus window and the passing crowd that seems like they are all part of a different world, until the moment when she realises that she has to get off of the school bus and follow Pidge into the school.

Society’s factory, Kiyo thinks grimly.

Kiyo’s day goes by in a blur, she barely can pay attention, she tries, she really does, but the feeling like the world is crushing her, like if someone touched her then she would crumble underneath it all, almost like she is the result of a poorly built foundation that has rotten and been ruined over fifty years.

Kiyo hears a soft ding over her earbud carefully hidden beneath her hair and she tries to keep an eye on her chem teacher while simultaneously sneaking out her phone. She smiles as she is greeted by the familiar wording and name on the screen.

**‘hey, ready for the pres?’**

_ ‘ish’ _

**‘its ok, ill lead it, just say ur slides and well b fine’**

_ ‘ok’ _

_ ‘and Lana?’ _

**‘yeah?’**

_ ‘thanks’ _

_ ‘seriously’ _

**‘np dont mention it’**

**‘ur my friend’**

Kiyo gently smiles as she looks back at her worksheet, but she can’t focus on her work, she hasn’t been able to in a long while, not a since…

Kiyo shakes her head and tries to clear her head and work, but her brain won’t listen to her. She closes her eyes for a second and wishes for the end of the day, she wishes for the end of the week, she wishes for the end of the month, she wishes for the end of the school year.

Kiyo silently sighs as she tries, desperately, to train her brain to stay still;

To keep calm;

To stay fixed;

To keep stable;

To just stay placid;

To just keep cool.

  
  


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Pidge timidly wrings their hands together as they no-so-patiently wait for Kiyo to get on the bus on a Friday after school has officially ended. They sigh and look unfocused out the window, the remember the last time that they said goodbye-

They shake their head, stop it, Pidge tells themself, they have sunk like a ship underneath the fact that they can’t fix it or do anything about it, no matter how hard they try.

“Hey,” Kiyo greets softly as she slides into the seat next to Pidge.

“Hey, how’s life?” Pidge tries with a slight smile, but Kiyo can’t reciprocate it, not even for Pidge.

“Eh, it was okay,” she replies looking away from them.

There is a minute of silence as the last of the stragglers find their way onto the bus. Kiyo and Pidge are both looking down when some force shoves Kiyo enough to smash against Pidge. Pidge looks up but only sees Quentin’s shuffling back, but Kiyo doesn’t dare look up, she only shuffles and readjusts herself back into her spot next to Pidge silently in her seat.

Kiyo tries to hide her shaky inhale of a breath, but nothing can slip by Pidge. They hold out a slightly shaking hand to Kiyo, and after a second, she gratefully grasps it tightly. Pidge can feel how much it affects her and especially how much her hand is shaking.

Kiyo spends the entire bus ride staring at nothing, but she never lets go of Pidge’s offered hand, she holds onto their hand like it is her only anchor to keep her attached to this world. Kiyo and Pidge dutifully walk off of the bus and start walking to Kiyo’s house after a quick glance of confirmation from Pidge.

Once Kiyo unlocks the door for them both and closes it behind Pidge, they both start walking towards Kiyo’s room in silence, only when they settle on the carpeted bedroom floor does Pidge speak.

“Kiyo-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Kiyo…” Pidge almost whispers.

Kiyo won’t meet Pidge’s eyes, she keeps staring down at the ground with her arms wrapped around her stomach protectively. “Please… just, not now.”

Pidge nods and starts to get her homework out of her backpack softly, a minute passes then Kiyo does the same.

An hour ticks by and Pidge still doesn’t say a word, not anything, but they know that they aren’t leaving until Kiyo talks to them. Another hour elapses and Pidge is almost done with their homework, it is in the middle of the school year after all, when they glance up for a second at Kiyo and notice that she is just staring off into space in the vague direction of the window.

“Pidge…” They look up at Kiyo who still hasn’t moved her eyes from the window. Something glistens in Kiyo’s eyes as she tries to talk, to speak, to try and verbally communicate whatever the hell is going on inside of her head.

“I don’t know what’s happening to me…”

Kiyo moves her hand so part of her face is blocked from Pidge’s view, but they know that it’s just her insecurities taking her over, one little voice in her head at a time.

Pidge slowly gets up and moves over to Kiyo, who cautiously eyes them after a second, but they just slowly sit back down next to Kiyo and pull her into a tight hug. Kiyo leans desperately into the hug and Pidge can feel her body shaking, but they don’t say anything, they just gently hold her until Kiyo feels like she can talk.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore Pidge.” Kiyo, who is at least six inches taller than Pidge, somehow feels smaller all of a sudden.

Pidge can’t remember a time when they remember Kiyo ever being this far down the darkened path, she always had some sort of bright, wood fuel kind of fire lit lantern guiding her path, but it has dwindled down to the last stick, and it’s quickly turning to crumbling and grey ash.

“What is your biggest feeling right now?” Pidge says quietly, they feel Kiyo move her body slightly as she thinks over the question, then she pulls away from the hug but Pidge never takes their eyes off of Kiyo, making sure that she is okay since they were kids, alone and innocent against the world.

Kiyo doesn’t meet their gaze. She shrugs, “I don’t know-I don’t-I don’t want to know…”

“You do, you desperately do, you long for understanding, but you are scared; you are scared of what it might mean.”

Kiyo twists her head away and brings up her hand to cover half of her face. “I feel-I guess I feel like something-like part of me is missing now; I-” Kiyo gently shakes her head- “everything feels more grey, more bland; I feel more vulnerable and more unmoveable than ever; I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore, I just want to sleep, but I really want someone to just listen to me; I feel so much that I’ve started to feel numb.”

Kiyo brings her knees to her chest as Pidge realises what she is talking about. “Kiyo,” Pidge tries, but she doesn’t move her head, “talk to me, I promise you I’ll listen to you.”

“Please…”

Kiyo hugs her knees closer and stares straight ahead. “You know I trust you with my life right Pidge?” Pidge slowly nods a reply, “it’s not that I don’t trust you. I just don’t trust myself, not anymore.”

“What changed?” Pidge whispers.

“Everything,” Kiyo mutters softly, she shuts her eyes tight. “The first family that I have ever had is falling apart in front of my face and I have no power to stop it. She was too good and had too much potential to go out like that. No one pays attention anymore, no one cares about the fact that multiple families lost people not a month ago and I seem stuck in the past. School seems harder and harder and I don’t see a reason for doing my homework as much anymore. There’s this new constant feeling of anxiety and panic all the time now, plus school, stress, and emotions are just too-” she strings her fingers frustratingly through her hair- “too hard sometimes, and my heart is betraying my mind every single freaking time.”

Kiyo raises her other hand to her head, but not before Pidge notices tears peeking out against Kiyo’s pale cheeks.

“How is your heart betraying your mind?” Pidge asks in a whisper, they want to hug her and keep her forever from harm, but they know that it’s way too late for that.

“Lana,” Kiyo mumbles, her voice is barely audible but Pidge catches it.

Kiyo digs her fingers in her dark black hair, “she opens up something with a knife in my heart every single time she smiles, my heart wants me to love, but my mind wants me to live.”

Kiyo sighs, trying to cover the shaking of her voice but it doesn’t fool Pidge. “She wouldn’t ever-”

Kiyo’s voice gives out and she curls in tighter closer to herself. “Not to me,” she whispers, but this time Pidge doesn’t hear it. Because unbeknownst to her, Pidge had gotten up, but now they return with a blanket which they drape warmly over Kiyo’s still shaking shoulders.

Kiyo gently grabs Pidge’s wrist, “thank you.”

Pidge nods, they quickly pull up a movie on their laptop, and waited a couple minutes until Kiyo settles in next to them under the blanket. For the next two hours they both mindlessly watch National Treasure, but neither of them are actually watching it. Both of them are in their own little world, just thinking.

What has become of the world we live in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHHeey, everybody, yes, I know, this chapter was probably the worst chapter I've written in a while but no regrets.
> 
> VOLTRON SEASON SIX IS NOW OUT AND I'M WATCHING IT TOMORROW WITH THE TWO PEOPLE THAT REALLY GOT ME INTO VOLTRON AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR AND I'M SO EXCITED!!
> 
> I'll probably have to integrate what happens in season six into this, but I am so ready to watch it, and honestly (I'm calling it now) I think the best part of the new season will be the DnD episode and Keith and Krolia's dynamic this season.
> 
> I'm sooooo excited!!
> 
> Tell me what your favorite parts are!  
> Warning! Spoilers ahead!!
> 
> Also: I'm curious, what do you all think will happen next? I really am enthusiastic about where this fit is going, so leave a comment on where you think it will go and any other questions you may have!
> 
> Have fun reading guys, girls, and non-binary pals!!


	10. The Twilight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twilight: the soft glowing light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, caused by the refraction and scattering of the sun's rays from the atmosphere, the period of the evening when twilight takes place, between daylight and darkness, or a period or state of obscurity, ambiguity, or gradual decline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAH OKAY SO I WATCHED SEASON SIX AND I CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW THE PARALLELS MURDERED ME AND I LOVED IT ALL!!  
> Okay, I'm good now (jk no I'm not), happy reading!!

“Alone. Yes, that’s the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn’t hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym.” 

-Stephen King

Lana glances across the room as everyone else is hunched over their worksheets, all working tirelessly to become a part of society. Lana spots the teacher completely absorbed in some random stuff behind her desk, so silently and slowly Lana pulls out her phone.

**‘hey, hows life?’**

_ ‘in the middle of class Lana?’ _

_ ‘why?’ _

**‘its obv not important you answered’**

**‘bc school is boring af’**

**‘bc laughing is the best’**

**‘idk’**

**‘u didnt answer my question’**

_ ‘its iffy’ _

_ ‘idk everything seems so bland tho’ _

**‘why?’**

_ ‘idk Lana havent u been around lately??’ _

**‘u know i have’**

**‘its the reason i text u in class now’**

**‘not the point’**

_ ‘then what is?’ _

Lana looks away from her phone and back up at the class, she doesn’t know how to say it without crossing some sort of boundary she has set for herself. She shrugs to herself then types  **‘bc i care about u’** . She scrunches up her face slightly and deletes it before it sends.

**‘bc i dont want u to lose urself’**

The teacher sits up on his chair then and asks a stupid question, “is everyone done with the worksheet?” Lana silently moves her hand and her phone out of sight from him.

When no one answers his question, he replies to the class, “I guess we are moving on then.”

Lana rolls her eyes at the teacher, quickly reaching for a pencil as the teacher starts going over and lecturing about a formula that Lana doesn’t get at all. She makes a mental note to get Hannah to completely re-explain it to her later.

The entire day goes without any reply from Kiyo, and as every hour ticks by without any word Lana grows increasingly more and more worried. Lana knows that Kiyo always replies to her as soon as possible; this was very uncharacteristic of her.

“Hannah,” Lana schooshes over to allow space for Hannah on the bus seat that they share. “I think I have a problem.”

Hannah reads Lana’s face with ease, and her own face masks concern, “what’s wrong?”

“It’s Kiyo.”

Hannah furrows her eyebrows and silently and unmovingly urges Lana to continue, so she does. “She’s gotten a lot more reclusive lately, and she stopped replying to my texts.”

Hannah doesn’t get it, Lana thinks. “Isn’t that normal? She lost her sister; Pidge has been like that too lately.”

Lana sighs, “I don’t know, I guess, it just worries me, it’s not healthy. I mean, both of them were already significantly distanced from the rest of society, and then this happens…”

Hannah nods, “they are barely visible anymore, yeah I get it, but I don’t know what to do either. What can we do?”

Lana looks out the window and shrugs, “I don’t know, but something has to happen.”

“They are stuck someplace.”

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Kiyo walks into class, alone.

Pidge walks into class, alone.

Lana walks into class, alone.

Hannah walks into class, alone.

But two of those four make it their mission to not walk out alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aah, okay everybody, sorry for the short chapter but there's another one that I'm going to post in like ten minutes so hold tight.


	11. The Contrition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contrition: the state of feeling remorseful and penitent

“Regret was a wild feeling. It colored the world in vivid focus.” 

-Fishwrites

Kiyo looks down at her wrist and slowly opens and closes her first; she looks pointedly around the bandage wrapping the back of her hand and her palm.

I should have… she thinks.

I should have stopped Sara;

I should have stopped Matt;

I should have stopped Mr. Holt-Sam;

I should have told them that they should stay home;

I should have told them to not take the job;

I should have told Sara to stay home from the Garrison;

I should have been more prepared for this to happen;

I should have expected my family to leave me again;

I should have expected this;

I should have known that it couldn’t last;

I should be moving on;

I should be staying in the light;

I should accept that Sara is…

I should understand that Sara is….

I should acknowledge that Sara is…

I should know that Sara is gone;

I should have known that it was too good to be true;

I should have known better than to be sucked into the light;

I should have known better;

I should have;

I should have;

I should have…

Kiyo looks up at her mirror in her room and realises her cheeks are tear stained, she quickly wipes it away and tries to put a mask of a smile on her face.

She tries to smile, but there’s nothing behind it, there is no joy behind anything.

Her eyes are so dark they look purple, she used to like that, but now, to her, her eyes just look grey.

Kiyo flops triedly onto her bed, her limbs tangle everywhere but she doesn’t care.

She doesn’t care.

Kiyo looks at her wrist, at her hand, at her fist which keeps opening and closing at she contemplates who she is.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Pidge knows that there is nothing that they can do, really nothing at all.

However long it took them to understand that their family isn’t coming back;

However long it took them to get used to the hole inside.

Something is wrong, something is not adding up, something is  _ missing _ .

Pidge knew it when they saw the notification, but brushed it off considering the fact that their family had just been whisked away into nothingness, there wasn’t even a body.

The Kerberos mission was presumed dead after three days of no radio contact and all communications, including a live video feed, had all shut off at the same time.

It has been two months, two whole months of waiting, of doing nothing, of waiting for the government to step up and release more information regarding the deaths of the entire crew of the Kerberos mission, but there is nothing.

Pidge huff, they grab their laptop and start typing furiously, finally fed up with the no information. They decide to start small with a less protected server, and in no time at all they have passed by the firewall unnoticed and unbothered. Pidge relentlessly hunts for information, using all of the shortcuts and sneak tips they knew, but yet there was nothing that they didn’t know already, until something popped up.

**{Information classified, see original document for reference}**

Pidge’s breath quickens as they realise what it means.

Something is being hidden from the public, something that they don’t want us to know about, something that makes Pidge even more determined now.

They fumble with their phone before finally pressing the call button.

“Pidge?” Kiyo’s voice streams over the speakers, “what are you-”

“Kiyo, I found something. Something to do with the Kerberos mission.”

Pidge hears fumbling and a crash, but her voice comes on over the call loud and strong. “What did you say?”

“I found something-just get over here!” Pidge can barely keep the smile from their face.

“Okay, okay, okay,” they hear Kiyo stumble and they roll their eyes at her. “I’m coming,” she says and Pidge hangs up.

They run downstairs just as Kiyo opens the door, “did you run here?” Pidge asks with a chuckle.

“You wouldn’t tell me anything,” Kiyo protests with a smirk.

Both of them run back upstairs to Pidge’s room and directly to their computer where Pidge shows her the pop-up on their screen.

Kiyo stares at it, unmoving and unblinking.

“Is… is this real?”

Pidge nods, looking back at Kiyo, “I found it just like that. It means that there’s more-”  
“There’s more…” Kiyo finally blinks, “there is something more that they aren’t telling us… Maybe it wasn’t a pilot error...”

Kiyo’s face breaks into a smile. “Holy shit,” she whispers, “this is real.”

Pidge smiles, and looks back at the computer screen, “I’m going to keep searching until I find out what they are hiding form the public.”

Kiyo smiles even bigger, bigger than Pidge has seen her smile in two months, and she turns to them. “Thank you Pidge.”

Pidge just wraps their arms around Kiyo and they can feel her shaking, but Kiyo keeps whispering over and over. “Thank you.”

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Suddenly, Kiyo had hope, but what she didn’t realise is that hope can so easily be crushed under the foot of reality.

As more and more days pass, the days turns into weeks, and more weeks pass and still Pidge has nothing important enough to go on.

Kiyo didn’t realise how long getting information could take.

She started getting more reclusive again, suddenly she started thinking in days.

If only she could get through the next two days and it’s the weekend;

If only she could get through the next four days then it’s the weekend;

If only she could get through the next five days and it’ll be the weekend.

Kiyo remembers the times before that fateful day in March when everything went downhill as soon as Pidge checked their phone.

Three months have passed, finals are starting for high schoolers in a week, and Kiyo is stressed to her max, but she made a promise to herself. She promised to herself that, no matter what happens, she would always remember who she is, what her friends mean to her, and she would not cut herself.

Kiyo watches her wrist as she opens and closes her fist slowly, she grits her teeth hard and her fingers clutch the pencil, but she stays still.


	12. The Aspiration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aspiration: a hope or ambition of achieving something, or the action or process of drawing breath

“Welcome the present moment as if you had invited it, why? Because it’s all we ever have.”

-Pema Chödrön

Lana strings her hands through her hair furiously. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” she whispers to herself.

The hastily handwritten list that is on a scrap piece of paper which sits on her lap stares back at her, taunting her to write something else down. The title bares its’ fangs at Lana, who tries to calm down and control her breathing and just think.

 **Kiyo Kogane** , she underlines the title after a second thought.

Her brain hurts but she knows she needs to do this to understand. Lana starts to write down everything she knows about Kiyo.

**Kiyo Kogane:**

\- **Adopted (taken from dad @ age 2)**

**\- Sister to Sara Shirogane**

**Lost her life in the Kerberos mission**

**\- Likes drawing, writing, and is way better at school than me**

**\- Reclusive lately**

**Depression?**

**Did I do something wrong??**

**** ~~**Shit I did something wrong** ~~

**\- Likes musicals**

**Seen her listen to Dear Evan Hansen & Heathers**

**\- Remembers her mom**

**\- Awful foster care experience** ~~**0/10 would not recommend** ~~

**\- Thinks that (eventually) everyone will leave her**

**\- Appearance:**

**Asian specifically Korean** ~~**I think probably** ~~

**Long straight black hair**

**Ridiculously dark colored eyes**

**The type of person that your eyes glaze over in a crowd**

**Wants to be invisible why??**

**\- Why is she so smart?**

**\- Why does she have so little friends?**

**\- Why does she always look lonely when she can’t see me looking at her?**

**\- Why is she better at school than me?**

**Why haven’t I asked her to help me study yet???**

Lana blinks, duh. She opens up the group chat and starts typing, **‘hey, because I’m an idiot, who wants to help me not fail life?’**

Lana rolls her eyes and deletes it. **‘hey do you all want to have a group study session so i dont fail the finals?’**

Lana flicks her eyes back to her list, but she knows that she is missing something. She tries to filter through all of her memories about her, and she doesn’t realise that she is fidgeting with her shimmering blue bracelet from Hannah until later. The thought of ‘something is missing’ gets stuck in her head, and it’s all she can think about.

Until Pidge texts back on the group chat half an hour after Lana originally texted.

‘sure, does next weeks saturday at 11 at my house work for u all?’

Lana smiles, **‘yea thx!’** She looks back at her list, she still thinks that she is not seeing something.

“Lana!” Her mami calls, Lana sighs and gets up and goes downstairs to help her mom with the kids and her papi is making dinner. Lana can’t help but smile, she loves her family but deep down she knows that something is missing.

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  


Lana looks around her house while everyone is having dinner; her three siblings plus her mami and papi all sit around a rectangular shaped table. Lana knows that it might look like her family is financially stable, but Lana can see through it all; she can see the cracks in the drywall and the hardwood floors, she can see that the three bathrooms are too worn down, and that her siblings have all of her old clothes from forever ago.

Lana decides to do something, so after the table is cleared and Veronica, Gavin, and Cleo are all bathed and in bed, Lana texts Hannah.

**‘my family is at the breaking point’**

‘wait what? how?’ 

**‘my padres dont think that i see it’**

**‘but we dont have enough money anymore’**

‘oh shit’ 

‘i could help u know…’ 

**‘u know my padres wouldnt accept it’**

**‘they are too stubborn like that’**

‘ya, i know’ 

**‘what should i do?’**

‘there is a way to get cash’ 

‘but in exchange for work’ 

**‘who would hire me??’**

**‘im literally a sophomore in hs’**

**‘i have no resume’**

‘i promise ill look into it’ 

**‘thx Hannah’**

‘no problem’ 

‘if u get hired im sticking round to help u with ur hw’ 

**‘have i ever told u how much i love u???’**

‘not recently’ 

‘;-)’ 

**‘u are so awesome**

**‘i love u Hannah’**

**‘seriously tho’**

**‘thx a shit ton’**

‘and im serious’ 

‘im not letting u fail any classes on my watch’ 

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  


Lana looks up from her paper as soon she finishes writing the notes on the projected slide that the teacher stares boredly at. Lana tries to sneak a glance at Kiyo, the only thought on her mind is to check to see if her face gives away anything, she’s worried about Kiyo, she thinks that maybe Kiyo has descended far into the darkness, but she can’t tell.

New notes appear on the slide, and every other time Lana is done she tries to watch Kiyo, but when she looks at Kiyo she feels weird. Lana knows that something is missing, something is happening to her, something is happening to Kiyo, and especially something is wrong, she just doesn’t know what.

The weirdest thing is when Lana tells a joke and just the edges of Kiyo’s mouth crinkles upwards and Lana feels something weird in her chest expand and almost take her over.

Seemingly endless nights and endless lists and pieces of paper are spent as Lana tries to think what it all means.


	13. The Downturn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Downturn: a decline in activity

“The teardrops run down, And fall off her nose, She cries in dark corners, Where nobody goes, You can follow the tracks, From her eyes to her chin, Years upon years, Of letting them win, And her eyes tell a story, Of anger and pain, You think that she’s happy, But just look again, And the scars of her past, Hidden under her clothes, Are a roadmap to places, That nobody knows, Her smile is now painted, She’s a master of disguise, And you can see it all, Just look into her eyes.” 

-E.H.

Kiyo looks down at her homework during study hall as Aimer’s soft voice filters through her ears, but she can’t seem to get her hand to pick up the pencil and start working on her chem work, on her english work, or on anything really. The days filter through her eyes but she just floats through it all. The only good part about school anymore to Kiyo is the fact that Hannah, Lana, Pidge, and her have found a spot and just chill before the bell rings. She never feels as welcomed and happy in the entire day as she does in those ten minutes, but she never feels as lonely during most of her classes and at night, when the thoughts creep past her wall.

Everytime she sees Pidge however, she knows that someone is looking out for her, she just doesn’t realise how much.

Kiyo and Pidge are in Kiyo’s room doing homework on her floor on Friday, and Kiyo can finally get her fingers and her hands to work and complete what she knows she should do. After about a half an hour of chem work Kiyo looks over at Pidge, who she noticed that they haven’t moved in a while.

When Kiyo looks over she realises that Pidge is nodding off, but Kiyo didn’t know that they were so exhausted, but when she watches Pidge try to wake themself up and force themself to do the work, Kiyo knows that something is wrong. 

“Pidge?”

Pidge jerks their head up and shakes it from side to side, “yeah?” They ask groggily.

Kiyo just stares at them silently, just now realising why they are so tired. “How much sleep have you gotten?”

“Mhh, eight I think?”

Kiyo closes her eyes in exasperation, “I can tell that you mean in the last week and not day.”

“Maybe,” Pidge shakes their head again, trying to wake themself up.

“Pidge,” Kiyo scoots closer to them and forces them to look at her. “You need to help yourself before anyone else.”

“I can’t…” Pidge opens their eyes and looks directly at Kiyo, “not when you need it, not when my mom needs it, not when your parents need it…”

“What are you going to lose to accomplish that? You are going to lose yourself before you get anywhere.”

“No, no I’m not,” Pidge slurs slightly as they close their eyes again.

“Pidge, please,” Pidge opens their eyes, “let me help you.”

In reply they collapse and lean against Kiyo and she hugs their small frame close to her as they gently fall asleep. As soon as Pidge’s breathing evened out, Kiyo gently lifted them onto her back and leaned forward. She walked out of her house and gently knocked on their door before opening and climbing the stairs to Pidge’s room.

She lightly sets Pidge on their bed with a slight grunt from Kiyo, but she stays quiet and puts a pillow under their head by gingerly lifting it. Kiyo shakes her head and goes to the downstairs of their house.

“Oh, Kiyo, you scared me,” Mrs. Holt-Colleen-greets, “is everything okay?”

“Actually no,” Mrs. Holt’s stature changes immediately, from light and lively to the concerned parent trademark look. “Pidge is upstairs sleeping right now, and they haven’t been sleeping well lately, and they have been looking into the crash, and they are so focused that they haven’t been taking care of themself, and-”

Kiyo breaks eye contact and looks down, “I’m sorry Mrs. Holt.”

“Oh Kiyo,” Mrs. Holt put her hand gingerly on Kiyo’s shoulder, “how many times have I told you to call me Colleen?”

Kiyo sniffles, trying to mask the tears almost spilled over, “apparently not enough Mrs. Holt.”

“Kiyo I know how hard this has been for you and Pidge, especially because you two are supposed to be acting normal in school and school is already hard enough. But I want you to know that you are not in charge of Pidge, you are not responsible for Pidge,” Kiyo inhales but Mrs. Holt-Colleen-stops her. “I know what you are going to say, and I know you two take extreme care of each other, and I know that this monologue probably won’t do much, but you need to take care of yourself too. I’ll get Pidge to take a slight break, but you should to. Take this weekend off, do whatever you want to do.”

Mrs. Holt taps Kiyo on the shoulder, “all right?”

Kiyo nods, “yes ma’am.”

Mrs. Holt chuckles, “it’s still Colleen, but okay. You should go to sleep too. When are Haru and Akio getting home tonight?”

“Late.”

Mrs. Holt nods, “okay, go get some sleep Kiyo. I mean it.”

Kiyo nods with a smile, “yes ma’am.”

Mrs. Holt quietly closes the door behind her and Kiyo walks back to her house in desolate silence.

When she gets to her room she notices that Pidge’s homework and things are still littered around the room, but she just walks around it and collapses onto her bed with a flop.

She silently stares up at the ceiling, too tired to move but can’t seem to close her eyes and go to sleep.

All she knows is that she is tired.

Just so tired.

But she keeps on staring up at her bland ceiling and wishes for the kind of stability that would allow her to put glow-in-the-dark stars up there.

She wonders what it would be like to have Lana next to her and tell her all about the stars that Lana would dream of.

She wonders why, in broad daylight, she is so useless as she can’t decide what she should do.

She wonders why she is even here anymore.

She wonders how long she’ll have to lie to people.


	14. The Dissociation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dissociation: the disconnection or separation of something from something else, the state of being disconnected, separation of normally related mental processes

“I hope one day I can write the words that explain you, so that if ever you feel any less than beautiful, you can read the truth.” 

-Daniel Walsh

Just another Monday in May, Kiyo shakes her head, as she walks alone into her classes, again. She just can’t seem to find the energy to do anything besides take notes indifferently; she’s silently hidden in the crowds. Kiyo takes a deep breath and clutches her wrist, not feeling anything but the sense of her bracelet, on both her wrist and her hand, and she hasn’t dared to take it off.

Again, a Monday, Lana internally groans as her ‘friends’ greet her, but she can only say hi today. She wonders why she ever talked to these people, they are just so bland… Lana looks down at her hands but her eyes catch on her shimmering blue bracelet, and she lightly smiles at the memory that comes bubbling to the surface.

Late May, Monday, Hannah tries to keep a happy but also placid face throughout the day, but it ends up failing. She can’t help but think about possible solutions for her friends’ reclusiveness, she tries to think, but nothing comes to mind. Her bracelet catches Hannah’s eye, she is reminded that everything can get better, and that the reason she made these was because she knew that these are going to be friendships that last a lifetime, and she’s not giving up on them any time soon.

Pidge mutely stares out the window during their class, they wonder why it has to be a Monday, in May of all months; school is almost over with, but no teacher will stop with the insane amount of work. They inwardly sigh and look back at their notes as the teacher continues with the lesson, but they look at the multi shade green bracelet on their wrist; at first they thought it would make them seem more feminine, but then they realised that they don’t care, it’s a symbol of friendship and not gender related.

  
  


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Kiyo looks up at the ceiling, and not for the first time, wishes that her adoptive parents actually pay attention to her.

Kiyo starts and sits up as she looks at her doorway; she wonders why not?

Kiyo walks downstairs, already forming a faint shape of a plan in her head. She reaches the kitchen, then realises that nobody is home. She looks at the clock, 8:12 pm. She knows that they should be home by now. They said that they would be.

Kiyo brings her hand with her phone in it up and dials Haru’s number. After two minutes of letting it ring it goes to voicemail.

“Hello, you have reached the voice of Haru Shirogane, leave a message after the beep.”

Kiyo closes her eyes and sighs. There’s a beep, “hey Haru, it’s Kiyo, I just wanted to call to see when you and Akio are getting home... okay, bye.”

Kiyo hangs up. Suddenly she feels empty.

No one is going to stick around for that long…

Not her first ‘mom’. Not her second, or her third, fourth, or even her fifth ‘parent’, singular or plural.

Not for the first time, Kiyo looks at the bandage wrapped around her palm and the back of her hand; for the first time in two months Kiyo unwraps the bandage; for the first time in nine months, Kiyo gets a good look at the scar on the back on her hand.

He was standing over her, his breath reeked of alcohol, his eyes blazed like a fire, he stared at her and then at the chipped plate that Kiyo had dropped with her shaking hands.

Suddenly she was being thrown, tossed around like a bag of flour. Suddenly she started to cover up her bruises. Suddenly, even if she didn’t do anything, suddenly she was a punching bag. Suddenly, one day, he had a beer bottle in his hand and he was swinging. Suddenly she ducked and half of the bottle smashed against the wall next to her face. Suddenly he was swinging again and her hand reached up protect herself. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in the back of her left hand, suddenly she had a huge shard of glass in her hand, and suddenly it took her so long to trust somebody again.

Suddenly Kiyo shakes her head and goes back upstairs, defeated.

  
  


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Kiyo jerks awake and upright from the harsh noise that yanks her out of her peaceful sleep, something falls off of her chest with a thump, and she hits her alarm with her finger to turn it off. She gently sighs with relief and gathers her bearings, she notices that her sketchbook is the thing that fell off of her chest, then she remembers that she was drawing late into the night. She rolls her eyes at herself, picks up her sketchbook and finds the page that she was last drawing on, past all of those facial sketches and landscape sketches, but before all of her headspace sketches. She quickly marks the page and sets it down on the table next to her bed.

She shakes her head slightly and flops back onto the bed, she doesn’t want to get up, but she has to. She quickly gets dressed, she packs her school bag, and after a second of thought, she includes her sketchbook and her pencils. On her way out the door she grabs a banana and a bagel.

“Hey,” Pidge calls and Kiyo waves with part of her bagel still in her mouth, “are you okay?”

Kiyo shrugs then nods, Pidge just rolls their eyes and steals a little bit of her bagel with quiet protests from Kiyo. “I got this cool idea for a drawing yesterday-”

“And how late did you stay up?” Pidge raises their eyebrows questioningly.

“Not that late…” But with a look from Pidge, Kiyo relents, “okay, I think it was around one am when I fell asleep.”

Pidge rolls their eyes and sighs melodramatically, “seriously Kiyo?”

She just shrugs, but Pidge continues, “you had food this morning right?”

“Just this,” Kiyo replies, gesturing towards the bagel.

“You are running out, aren’t you?”

“Only a little-”

Pidge grabs her arm, “you need food Kiyo, and I am dragging you along with me if necessary to make sure you have food.”

Kiyo nods and agrees, but the bus arrives just then, so they both file in and sit down in the seat. Kiyo pulls out her sketchbook and quickly flips to the page she marked earlier.

Kiyo can feel Pidge’s eyes on her, but she pays no attention as her fingers and her hand and her pencils fly dizzyingly fast across the page, filling in every detail with way too many colored pencils to name.

Not soon after Pidge nudges her and she quickly puts all of her stuff away as people start to ease off of the bus. “Come on,” they quietly say as they help her put her stuff away.

Both of them silently walk through the school until they reach-

“Hey Pidge! Hey Kiyo!” Hannah calls from the floor on the side of the hallway, Lana whips her head around and smiles and waves when she sees them approaching.

“Hey,” Pidge returns with a smile as they and Kiyo sit down across from Hannah and Lana. “How’s life?”

“Eh,” Hannah shrugs, “we’re here, so iffy I guess?”

Lana chuckles, and Kiyo smiles. It seems like only five minutes have passed when the warning bell goes off, and there is a shuffling of things from every corner of the school.

Lana turns to Kiyo jsut as she is walking off, “see you later today right?”

Kiyo smiles, “yup.”

Lana smiles back and walks with Hannah to go to chem.

“Seriously, no one should have chem this early in the morning!” Lana complains lightly to Hannah for what seems like the thousandth time this year.  
Hannah just jokingly rolls her eyes as they both sit down in their seats and wait not-so-patiently for the teacher to appear.

  
  


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The entire day is boring, just finals review and more and more work, Lana shakes her head as she walks into her piloting class, she thinks maybe that the day will end well.

Today, one of the only days, Lana walks in before Kiyo does, so she takes her regular seat away from the rest of the class except for Kiyo and silently watches the door as people dutifully file in.

Once Kiyo appears in the doorway and starts to walk towards her, Lana smiles softly. They barely have time to say hi before Mr. Dean starts blabbering his mouth off for the billionth time, but that doesn’t stop Lana from smiling and having silent conversations with Kiyo over him, and sometimes Lana can barely keep from laughing out loud.

Mr. Dean finally releases them to do their classwork and Lana rolls her eyes at the lateness of it all.

Lana looks at Kiyo and questions, “what were the pages in the textbook that we were supposed to study for the test next week?”

“Umm,” Kiyo crouches over her backpack and zips it open, “I have it here somewhere, I’ll find it.”

“Okay,” Lana curiously watches patiently as Kiyo hunts through her backpack. After around thirty seconds, and as Kiyo gets a little frustrated.

Kiyo quietly whispers, “ah shit,” to herself.

Lana watches as Kiyo pulls a pouch with her little school supplies in it, and something like a hardcover bound book out of her backpack. The pencil pouch is safe on the desk but Kiyo accidentally drops the book on the floor, and flashes of bright and hot colors greets Lana as she only gets a glimpse. Lana blinks, there are colors of the entire spectrum and then some.

“Is-” Lana points at the now closed hardcover black leather bound book, “is that yours?” Lana looks back at Kiyo with bewilderment.

“Yeah?” Kiyo replies with a confused and slightly vulnerable look on her face.

“What is it?” Lana inquires, looking over at the now closed book laying flat on the floor.

Kiyo hesitates slightly, but she replies, “it’s my sketchbook.” 

“Can-” Lana looks at Kiyo hesitantly, “can I see it?”

Kiyo slowly opens her most personal collection to date and flips to the most recent page where she drew the collection of fire and flames in all different shades of red, orange, yellow, and there is even some purple and blue effortlessly mixed in.

Lana can’t believe it, it looks so much like actual flames she wants to reach out a touch it, but she refrains herself. “You  _ drew _ this?”

Kiyo slowly nods, “yeah, I was working on this one on the bus, so that’s why I have this with me today.”

Lana is completely awestruck, she doesn’t understand how Kiyo is  _ this _ good. She smiles, “it’s absolutely amazing.”

Kiyo blushes and tries to hide her smile but it doesn’t get past Lana, who smiles back.

“No, seriously, why don’t you let more people know about this?”

Kiyo shrugs, “I don’t know, drawing is how I understand myself, and it’s just too personal to share right now.”

Lana nods, but secretly wonders why she can see it when most people can’t. “You are great, like seriously amazing.”

Kiyo tries to hide her blush buy putting her sketchbook away, but she feels so warm and fluffy inside. “Thanks Lana.”

Lana just smiles her trademark fuzzy-feeling smile, “no problem!”

A couple minutes pass until Mr. Dean releases the class to do their classwork, and the entire class works with the distant buzzing of around thirty kids having their own conversations, so Lana knows that it’s safe to talk.

“Hey Kiyo?”

“Hmm?” Kiyo looks up from her almost blank page and looks at Lana, “what’s up?”

“Are you okay?” Lana asks, but Kiyo just gives her a questioning look so Lana hurriedly explains. “I know I ask you this a lot when I text you but seriously… Are you okay?”

Kiyo quickly nods and replies, “yeah, yeah of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you are clenching your wrist under the desk right now?”

Kiyo blinks, then she pulls out her hands from underneath the desk and slowly releases the tension of her left fist around her right wrist, both Kiyo and Lana spot red marks on Kiyo’s wrist where the pads of her fingers dug into her skin.

“I didn’t-I… I didn’t realise…”

Lana looks at Kiyo, fully realising how far down the dark hole Kiyo really is. “Kiyo, I need you to look at me,” and when Kiyo does after a couple seconds of hesitation, Lana continues. “Whatever happens in the future, hurting yourself is never the answer.”

Kiyo looks at Lana with bewildered eyes, but Lana just silently stares back with tears threatening to spill over, “please Kiyo.”

“I…” Kiyo tries to move her mouth but no words come out, she doesn’t understand how Lana thought that she is that far gone.

Kiyo takes a deep breath and tries to speak again, “okay, but I wouldn’t ever-”

“Kiyo,” Lana interrupts, “people say that they would never and then it gets worse… and worse… just-”

Lana sighs and turns away for a second, while Kiyo just silently and gratefully watches, “in case you ever do feel something, something worse, I can give you some body paint that my family has picked up over the years.”

“Body paint?” Kiyo asks with a gently raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, you said that drawing is your therapy right? And you are obviously amazingly talented,” Lana motions to Kiyo’s backpack, “so use it.

“Don’t decorate yourself with scars, but instead draw your headspace and please talk to me or Pidge or Hannah, or just somebody.

“Please.”

After a second Kiyo slowly nods and looks back down at her wrists and her slowly opening and closing right fist. After a couple more seconds Lana slowly reaches her left hand for Kiyo’s still opening and closing fist, but when Lana’s fingers touch Kiyo’s, Kiyo jerks back with a noticeable flinch.

“I’m sorry,” Lana quickly snatches her hand back, “I’m sorry-I… I forgot.”

Kiyo gently shakes her head and whispers, “it’s okay.” But Lana doesn’t reach for Kiyo again, and after only a minute of silence the shrill scream of the bell jolts them out of their reverie. They both silently pack their stuff up into their backpacks, but Kiyo can’t help think that she can’t help but mess everything up, she knows that she changed something, but she doesn’t know what.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” Lana hesitantly asks and she shrugs her backpack onto her shoulders.

Kiyo nods with a slight smile, “yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Lana turns away with a soft and gentle smile, “see you.”


	15. The Veil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veil: a thing that conceals, disguises, or obscures something

“Perhaps it’s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.” 

-Orson Scott Card

**‘hey, ready to study ur butt off?’**

_ ‘what?’ _

**‘study group at Pidges’**

**‘at 11’**

_ ‘oh right’ _

_ ‘sorry’ _

_ ‘just have a lot on my mind’ _

**‘its ok’**

**‘just b there’**

_ ‘will do!’ _

Lana smiles, but she can’t stop looking at Kiyo’s replies. Did she forget maybe? Lana shakes her head mentally, she knows that it is useless thinking about this.

An hour goes bye and suddenly Hannah texts her,  ‘yo, we r out front’

**‘k thx, one min’**

Lana calls bye to her mami and her mami calls bye back as she picks up her backpack, and Lana scoots next to Hannah in their minivan.

“Sup?”

Lana shrugs, “eh, but I am going to die in the next four hours.”

Hannah rolls her eyes and gently nudges Lana in the side with her arm, “don’t worry about it, this is to help everyone anyways.”

Lana smiles and nods along, but as Hannah’s mom drives farther and farther Lana looks out the window and just thinks.

She knows that something is wrong, she just doesn’t know what.

  
  


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Pidge stares out the front window; they were supposed to watch for Hannah’s mom’s car pulling up, but when Lana jumps in front of their view and Pidge jerks startled, only then to they realise that they have a lot more on their mind than they originally thought.

Pidge rolls their eyes and smiles, they shoot a quick text to Kiyo and open the front door for Hannah and Lana.

“Hey,” they greet.

Lana smiles as she comes in first, “hey!”

Lana and Hannah take their shoes off and follow Pidge to the kitchen. “Is Kiyo here?”

Pidge shakes their head, “no, not yet.”

The door bursts open and Kiyo pops her head inside. “I’m here I swear!”

Everyone rolls their eyes but Lana can’t help but smile at the juantiess of her. Kiyo quickly hurries over with her backpack bouncing slightly on her back.

“You ready to do the thing?” Pidge asks with a laugh as they lead the way to their room. Kiyo flops down on the floor and Hannah and Lana soon follow.

Pidge grabs her laptop from their desk, they quickly open up a document and show everyone. “Okay, so this is the outline I created for this group thingy.”

Lana groans, “chem first? Really Pidge?”

Pidge shrugs, “it’s easier to get it done first and to get it out of the way.”

“You’ll be fine Lana,” Hannah chides.

“Turn to page three hundred ninety-four,” Kiyo bursts into giggles as everyone laughs.

As the laughing calms down Pidge starts, “focusing?”

Lana abruptly stops and nods her head sincerely, “yup.” But at one glance from Kiyo and both of them burst into laughter yet again.

Everyone has mostly finished Pidge’s outline sheet when Lana flops on her back down to the ground, “okay, enough, my brain can’t take anymore of this.”

Hannah lays down next to her, “I’m dead too.”

Pidge starts to protest, but Kiyo stops her with a light swat. “Don’t even think about it Pidge.”

“We need to do something mind-numbing to shake this off,” Lana insists.

After a second, Kiyo hesitantly offers, “we could play hot seat.”

Pidge frowns, “what’s that again?”

“It’s the one where one person goes in the middle or the hot seat and everyone else can ask that person anything for one minute,” Hannah explains, sitting up with Lana joining her.

“And it’s really anything,” Lana says looking directly at Kiyo and Pidge. 

“Why not?” Pidge asks, as they sit up.

Kiyo shrugs and also sits up, “so who’s going first?”

“I’ll go,” Hannah offers and Lana cheers. Hannah shuffles a little bit and everyone turns to directly face her. “Remember that these are rapid fire questions,” Hannah interjects.

Lana nods as she gets out her phone to keep track of the time, she already has loads of questions spinning around in her head. “Alright, aaaand,” she presses the button to start the timer, “go!”

“Favorite color?”

“Yellow.”

“Favorite food type?”

“Asian food is the best,” which earns a ‘yesss’ from Kiyo, which makes everyone laugh again.

“Favorite animal?”

“Elephant.”

“What is a misconception that people have about you?”

“That I have no self-control, or that I’m not capable of something.”

“What is one thing that you would change about yourself?”

Hannah thinks, she knows that society would want her to say her weight, but she can’t say it. She loves her body, she’s like an elephant. “My hair, it never seems to grow as long as I want it to.”

Everyone shrugs and silently accepts the answer, while Lana gives her a smile.

“What are two things that we don’t know about you?”

“Umm,” Hannah looks down at her hands for a second, “my mom and I left my dad when I was young.”

“Hannah,” Lana whispers, she gives her a look that asks, ‘you sure?’

Hannah nods back at Lana, “they should know. They’re our friends.”

Pidge and Kiyo exchange a curious look but are patient until Hannah can start.

“My dad drank, like a lot, and he did things that he said that he wasn’t proud of, and he said that he wouldn’t do it again but… he kept doing it.” Lana doesn’t let her eyes off of Hannah, giving her emotional support; Lana knew this of course, Hannah had finally told Lana why she was wary around Lana’s papi at a sleepover they had together about three years ago. “It got really bad for a while and finally my mom decided that she couldn’t raise me there anymore, so we left. For many months I could feel my mom looking over her shoulder, scared that he would track us down. I was seven when we left.

“Also, the other thing, I was constantly ridiculed after my mom and I left because I am dark and big, so that’s why I’m so nice to everyone, it’s because I don’t know anyone else’s story or what’s happening in their life, why make it any worse?”

Kiyo and Pidge stare at Hannah in shock for a couple seconds, but are snapped out of it when the timer goes off.

“Wait,” Pidge interjects as Lana turns off the timer, “one more question.” When Hannah nods they continue, “what ethnicity are you? I was thinking Hawaiian, but now I’m not so sure.”

“Hawaiian huh,” Hannah smiles, “not the weirdest I’ve gotten. I’m Samoan.”

Kiyo nods, “I’m Korean.”

“Cuban,” Lana inputs, “but probably more to be honest.”

“Italian here,” Pidge smiles, “well, mostly… I think.”

Everyone smiles, “who’s going next?” Hannah asks, glancing at Lana with a raised eyebrow.

Lana puts her hands up defensively, “fine, I’ll go.” Lana gives her phone to Hannah who starts the timer, “go!”

“Favorite color?”

“Medium-shaded Blue.”

“Favorite food type?”

“You all haven’t  _ lived _ until you’ve tried my mami’s Ropa Vieja, it makes my tongue and stomach melt I swear.”

“Favorite animal?”

“Panther.”

“What is a misconception that people have about you?”

“That I’m an airhead because I know a lot of people and I’m not that smart, also I'm shrugged off as being a stereotypical hispanic, and that I can’t take anything seriously.”

“What is one thing that you would change about yourself?”

“I want to be able to learn as fast as you all do.” With a weird look from Pidge, Lana continues, “no, I’m serious, you all are so smart and at the top of your class and don’t have to study that much, while I just don’t  _ get _ it.”

Everyone shrugs and silently accepts the answer, but Kiyo thinks over it a little more.

“What are two things that we don’t know about you?”

“I have three siblings, I help my siblings out with schoolwork or even just being the peacekeeper between them more than I have time for my own schoolwork. My parents have a big-ass morgage on our house and we often don’t have enough food for all of us, and I’m old enough to know about it, but too young to do anything about it.”

“I’m sorry Lana,” Kiyo murmur, glancing at Lana, “is there anything we can do?”

“Not really,” Lana looks down at her bracelet then at Hannah, “my parents aren’t the best at accepting help.”

After a moment of silence the buzzer goes off, Hannah stops it and hands Lana’s phone back to her, which Lana takes gratefully.

“I’ll go next,” Pidge offers as they scoot into Lana’s now vacant spot and they take a criss-crossed seat.

“Go,” Lana says as she starts the timer.

“Favorite color?”

“Dark-ish green.”

“Favorite food type?”

“Whatever’s quick and easy I guess.”

“Favorite animal?”

“A pigeon,” which earns a couple laughs from the stupid pun.

“What is a misconception that people have about you?”

“I’m a geek or a nerd or that I’m not social or not mature, I mean I’m a year younger than the rest of you, and a lot younger than the people in school, but honestly there are some people that are way more immature than me.”

“What is one thing that you would change about yourself?”

“My height, people think they can get away with bothering me because they don’t think that I have bite.”

“I can confirm that they almost bit someone,” Hannah inputs with a laugh.

“When did you know that you are non-binary?” Lana asks hesitantly.

Pidge sighs as they think it over while staring at their hands in their lap, “I don’t know, there was never a definite moment when I realised it, it was more like a slow thing. Over the years I didn’t feel comfortable labeled as a girl and I didn’t like “girly” things, but I didn’t feel like a boy either, it was more like I was a happy medium…”

Pidge looks back up at Hannah, Lana, and Kiyo, “I told Kiyo that I didn’t feel comfortable as a “girl” when I was ten in sixth grade and I didn’t feel totally comfortable with Katie as a name either, so we started to think of other names for myself.”

Kiyo smiles at the memory and no one dares to talk as Pidge continues, “I didn’t even know what non-binary was, I just knew that I was different.”

A couple seconds of silence then Hannah asks, “so are you binding?”

Pidge shakes their head, “as of right now I’m fine, but I do wear a tight sports bra.”

Lana and Hannah slowly nod and Kiyo gives Pidge a smile of support. The timer goes off, and everyone is jolted out of their stupor, then Hannah, Lana, and Pidge all look expectantly at Kiyo, who casually moves into the center as Pidge takes her spot.

Kiyo takes a big breath as Lana starts her timer, “go.”

“Favorite color?”

“Fire red.”

“Favorite food type?”

“Hmm, I’m thinking Korean barbeque with a combination of Haru’s miso soup and white rice,” Lana spots Hannah rubbing her belly and chuckles.

“Favorite animal?”

“Peregrine Falcon.”

“What is a misconception that people have about you?”

“Apparently I look emo? Also that I hate everything and that I have a grudge against like society or something…”

“What is one thing that you would change about yourself?”

“I want people to stop judging people in two seconds based on how they look or wear, and I want to talk to more people, but I can’t.”

Pidge and Lana nod while Hannah quickly glances at the timer.

“What are two things that we don’t know about you?”

Kiyo looks down at her twiddling thumbs, she takes a big breath in and starts. “I was taken from my mom in Korea when I was two and put in the American foster care system until I was fourteen when I was adopted by the Shirogane’s, but I survived for ten years in the system once I got moved out of an orphanage, most families were okay, some were good, but too many were bad.”

She slowly brings up her left hand with her slightly tan bandage wrapped all around the back of her hand and her palm and around again, and she directly shows it to everyone, but especially to Hannah and Lana.

“What happened?” Lana whispers.

Kiyo closes her eyes, “this guy was approved by the system, but he was abusive, and when I went there… it was bad.”

Hannah nods and reaches out with her hand, “I know.”

Kiyo looks up and smiles, but knows that she has to continue, “there was an empty beer bottle and he was in one of his fits when he grabbed it and swung at my head, but I ducked and so it hit the wall next to my face. He swung again and I raised my hand to block it and a big shard planted itself in my hand.”

Kiyo picks at her bandage that wraps around her hand until she can unwrap it, and she slowly unwinds the bandage around both her palm and the back of her hand. Her hand shakes as she lets the bandage fall away, but she stares at the scar on the back of her hand, and after a moment she turns her hand so that the back of her hand faces upwards in order to show everyone else.

Lana intakes a harsh breath while Hannah and Pidge just silently give their condolences. The scar is stark with pink in contrast to the rest of Kiyo’s pale skin tone, it runs almost diagonally across the back of her hand, and it extends from the lowest part of the knuckle of her index finger to the outside part of her wrist.

“He refused to take me to the hospital, but I wasn’t going to ask, so I cleaned it up the best I could and stole a few minutes on the crappy computer to find out how to stop the bleeding and clean it properly.”

“Why do you hide it?” Lana asks softly, she doesn’t dare take her eyes off of Kiyo, just switching her gaze from her hand to her eyes.

Kiyo shrugs, “I don’t know, I guess this sets me apart and I’ve learned that people will tear you apart if you show any weakness.”

Lana grimaces, but Kiyo doesn’t see it as she starts to rewrap her left hand and place the dry and clean bandage around her palm and her scar.

“What was the other thing?” Hannah asks, and all eyes swivel towards her.

“What?” Kiyo raises an eyebrow, “what other thing?”

“The question was ‘what are two things that we don’t know about you’, soo…” Hannah waves her hands around a little, “what was the other thing?”

“Oh, uh,” Kiyo quickly glances towards Pidge, who gives her a supporting smile and a nod, “I uh… I’m-” she exhales, “I’m gay.”

Suddenly the timer goes off and everyone is jolted out of the silence, but Hannah speaks first. 

“It’s totally okay,” and Lana nods along, “I guess we all have reasons to be disregarded by society.”

Hannah holds up her wrist and motions towards the multi-shaded yellow bracelet on her lower forearm, “but we are all connected.”

Lana smiles the biggest smile anyone has seen from her in a while, and she puts her left hand which has her bracelet wrapped around her wrist in the middle of their circle. “Together ‘till the end.”

Kiyo smiles and follows with her left wrist, “together ‘till the end.”

Hannah and Pidge smile and exchange glances and chorus, “together ‘till the end.”


	16. The Fiasco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fiasco: a thing that is a complete failure, especially in a ludicrous way

“Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before your fall apart.” 

-William C. Hannan

Pidge looks back at her computer right after they shrug on their weighing backpack; they know that they haven’t gotten any new information in two weeks, and they know that they are running out of options. They shake their head and head out the door, then they cross the street and meet Kiyo who has just come out of her own house.

“Hey,” she greets with a smile.

Pidge raises an eyebrow and adds a smile, “hey.”

To Pidge, Kiyo seems… happier and somehow lighter today. They glance at her again, “are you okay with them knowing?”

Kiyo is jolted out her reverie and she looks at Pidge curiously. They clarify, “well, I know that you had only told me before, but are you okay with being out with them?”

Kiyo slowly nods, “yeah…” She looks away and up and forwards, “I kinda started to feel like I was hiding around them. I don’t want everyone to know, not just yet, but I trust them enough for them to know.”

Pidge nods and understands, “yeah, I get it. Even I realise that I understood myself way faster than a bunch of people, but I have the flexibility and the slack and the  _ space _ to explore myself without the fear of judgement, and not everybody has that.”

Kiyo nods, “I know, and I want to tell people, but it’s scary sometimes. I feel vulnerable…” She looks back at them, but she notices that the bus stop is getting close.

Pidge nods, “you have to shed a skin in order to tell someone, and if you don’t want to do that, it’s your decision, and I’ll be here whatever you do.”

Kiyo smiles and wraps them in the biggest hug that they can manage with two heavy backpacks hindering the two of them. “Thanks,” she whispers.

“Of course, I can’t  _ not _ return the favor from you after all of these years.”

  
  


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Pidge looks back at her computer screen, they blink, and then blink again.

“What…” Pidge whispers to only themself in the room, but then a timer bursts into their eardrums and they quickly leave the server and erase all traces of them being there.

This changes everything, and Pidge knows that, but they can’t just tell everyone, not without further proof. They need more evidence, there’s no way they can tell that to Kiyo if it turns out to be false. They can’t-they wouldn’t-they  _ won’t _ do that to her.

Yet another day passes and Pidge feels constrained, and they know that they need to tell Kiyo, but they can’t put that kind of hope on her without any proof that it’s real.

Thursday comes along, and Pidge doesn’t know that it’s about to get way worse.

Kiyo and Pidge are doing homework in Pidge’s floor, and for the love of god Kiyo cannot figure out this physics equation for her piloting class. “Pidge?”

“Hmm?” They look at Kiyo’s hand and her finger which is pointing to her problem.

“It’s a stupid physics problem, but I don’t know which equation to use for it.”

They get a closer look and read over it, and then again, but Pidge scrunches up their face. “What the hell?”

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “do you even know what this means? Because I sure as hell don’t right now.”

Pidge shakes their head, “this is a really weirdly worded questions, it’s between the torque and momentum equations right?”

When Kiyo nods they continue, “I guess you should ask Lana and Hannah on the group chat, I want to hear the answers they have. Lana got the same bs review packet right?”

“Yeah,” Kiyo replies as she pulls her phone out from non-being underneath all of her school-issued textbooks and filled notebooks laying around, and she lifts her phone by her headphones. She starts to write the text she’s about to send on the group chat when there is a considerable loud knocking downstairs.

Pidge and Kiyo exchange glances while they listen to Colleen grumble a bit and then open the door. Kiyo takes her earbuds out in order for her and Pidge listen as Colleen is greeted by one strong deep voice. “Mrs. Holt?”

“Yes,” Kiyo and Pidge can tell that Colleen is just as confused as they are, “how can I help you gentlemen?”

Pidge and Kiyo exchange another look, ‘what are they doing here?’

“Hello, my name is Mr. Down, and I am from the Conroe Police Department. Can you go get your daughter, Katie Holt, please?”

“What is this for?” Colleen replies sternly. Kiyo looks worriedly at Pidge, but they just quickly fish out their phone from the junk pile of school work that they are sitting in and hand it to Kiyo.

“Pidge what-”

“I swear I hide and cleared all of my tracks, I don’t know why they are here, but keep it,” they nod to their phone laying in Kiyo’s outstretched hands.

The same voice speaks again, but this time it’s louder and more forceful, “ma’am, get your daughter, or we will search the house.”

“Do you have a warrant?” Colleen asks, not letting them through, she desperately tries to protect the last part of her family still with her.

Kiyo clenches her fist, but she dejectedly lets Pidge get up and start down the stairs, but she is close behind them. “Mom,” Pidge interjects, “it’s okay.”

Colleen turns around, “Pidge.” She desperately looks at Kiyo, but she can’t reply, only follow Pidge the rest of the way closer to the five or so police officers standing right behind ‘burly guy’ in front, who, deemed Kiyo, has the burly and forceful voice.

With every step closer Pidge takes to them, Kiyo can see them shake ever so slightly; she can see all of the police officers blink at their appearance; she can feel her heart beating, no, thumping, wilding in her chest; she can feel her own phone in her back pocket of her shorts; and she can feel Pidge’s phone tucked away and safely hidden underneath her bra, because hell, if she was going to hide something, it had to be a hell of a good hiding place.

“Miss Katie Holt?” The burly police officer asks, and Kiyo could feel it. She could feel everyone who knew Pidge cringe not ever so subtly, and Kiyo’s eyes catch on Pidge’s fist as they turn their fist in a circle.

“How can I help you?” Pidge asks, putting on a facade as thick as a cinderblock wall, one that Kiyo can see right through as if it is transparent, but the officers can’t seem to.

“You are under arrest for fourth degree computer crime and telecommunications fraud.” Colleen gasps, and Kiyo closes her eyes, but opens them again as she hears the distinct clicking sound of handcuffs tightening around Pidge’s small wrists. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney.” The police officers start to pull Pidge out of the house, through the doorway, and down the driveway to the waiting police car. Colleen grasps Kiyo’s shaking hands as Colleen’s only child left is being pulled out of her life. “If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?”

Pidge just shakes their head no as they are pulled the last couple feet to the police car where someone opens up the back car door.

“Pidge!” Colleen calls from the driveway, and they look up at her, “we’ll figure it out.”

Pidge can only nod before they are pulled into the still waiting car. Kiyo feels something sinking in her stomach as the police cars drive away.

Kiyo takes in a big inhale and realises something. “Mrs. Holt? I-I need to go home…”

Colleen, Mrs. Holt, nods sadly, “I understand dear.”

Kiyo turns around and tries not to stumble up the stairs as her thoughts swirl around in her head like a tornado. She gathers her stuff in a slower frenzy-like fashion and stuff her stuff in her bag. Kiyo tries to calm her breathing enough to walk down the stairs, but when she reaches the bottom with her backpack in tow, she sees Colleen still there.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers with one last glance at Colleen as she walks out. She stumbles into her own house, she desperately pulls out her phone, deletes the forgotten text, and scribes a new one, and with a final tap she sends it.

_ ‘Pidge just got arrested’ _

Kiyo’s breathing takes her over, she tries to focus, she tries to see things, she tries to feel things, she tries to hear things, she tries to smell things, she tries to taste things, but she can’t her Pidge’s voice in her head anymore.

Kiyo vaguely hears the buzzing of her vibrating phone, but she can’t move, she can’t feel, she can’t think. She just stares at her fist as she opens and closes it disconsolately.


	17. The Bombshell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bombshell: an overwhelming surprise of disappointment

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

-Mark Twain

A silent buzz in her pocket lightly knocks Lana out of her conversation, she blinks, then focuses back on her mami, “and Lana?”

“Yes mami?”

“Do help with the dishes,” Lana’s mami looks at her apologetically, but Lana nods.

“Of course mami,” she glances at her papi’s vacant spot for the third time this week, and it’s only a Wednesday.

Veronica, Gavin, and Cleo jump off of their seats and Lana can hear Gavin and Cleo already arguing about a toy. Lana’s mami sighs, “thanks Lana.”

“No problem mami,” Lana shrugs and takes two of her siblings plates and places them in the sink and turns on the water. Lana hears her mami open the door out of the kitchen and then close it again. Lana sighs and leans up against the sink with her arms; she shakes her head as the water runs across all of the plates, each scraped clean of food, and the pots, also scraped clean.

There’s only one thought on her mind as she finishes washing her familia’s dishes.

Why are there so many people in worse shape than us?

Lana dries her hands on the still slightly damp towel and pulls her phone out of her shorts pocket, the screen turns on and Lana’s heart skips a beat.

_‘Pidge just got arrested’_

Lana almost drops her phone until she sees the time that it was sent. ‘4:34 pm’

Her hands shake as she looks at the clock on the wall, and it reads 6:51 pm.

**‘Kiyo what happened?'**

**‘Kiyo?’**

Lana tries to put that out of her mind, she puts her phone down, she flips the pages of her math packet, trying to get any last minute studying done, but her brain won’t focus, she keeps going back to that stupid text.

She checks her phone, but still, no answer from Kiyo, but Hannah has replied.

‘whats going on?’ 

Lana lofts her phone onto her bed as she hears her mami call for her to help. Lana and her mami gently creep out of her siblings room, as Lana’s siblings are finally asleep, and Lana excuses herself to go to bed. She showers, she gets dresses in her pajamas, she gently dries, brushes, and braids her hair, she washes her face, and she finally crawls into bed, but her phone stares forebodingly at her still.

At ten-thirty Lana texts Kiyo directly, **‘hey you ok?’**

When Kiyo doesn’t answer after a minute, Lana finds herself looking through their old conversations. She reads all of the way back from the beginning of the school year when Lana invited Kiyo over to work on the project.

After fifteen minutes Lana sighs to herself, plugs her charger in, and tries not to think about what could possibly be keeping Kiyo this long.

 

 

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Kiyo rolls over in her bed and tiredly glances at the clock, it reads six thirty-four, so she knows she has a little time before she has to go to school. She tries to get up and after five minutes she can roll fully out of bed and fall flat on the floor. She wants to go back to sleep, she just wants to sleep, but she has school, and she can’t miss it.

The moment Kiyo walks downstairs she knows that her adoptive parents hadn’t come home that last night, and Kiyo doesn’t see any need to call them anymore.

Kiyo gets ready for school and walks out the door before locking it behind her; she didn’t grab anything to eat and she can already feel the beginnings of a stomach rumble coming along, but she doesn’t turn back.

Kiyo feels her best friend’s phone burning a metaphorical hole in her backpack and right to her back, she can feel when it moves and how it moves, but she doesn’t turn back.

Kiyo checks her phone quickly and sees all of the messages from Lana and Hannah, she wonders how she’ll ever explain to them what happened, she wants to turn back, but she doesn’t turn back.

Kiyo is the only one approaching the bus stop, and she is about sixty feet from the stop when the bus pulls up and Kiyo stops dead. She sees a very specific shadow, she sees a shadow of someone who has put fear into her in the past three months, she realises just how vulnerable she feels, and just how exposes she feels without Pidge right there beside her.

She turns around. She turns around and quickly walks back to her house; she hurriedly digs her phone and Pidge’s phone out of her backpack, then she throws it on the floor before she collapses on the floor right next to the mostly unused couch. Kiyo fumbles around and reaches for the pile of blankets sitting on the couch. She feels them and pulls them down on top of her and situates herself until she is completely covered by the blankets except for the air hole she gives herself.

Kiyo curls tighter into herself as her finger hovers over her messages app, but she doesn’t click on it, not when Hannah texts her an hour after school starts, and not when Lana’s message pops up during the time that she should be in her piloting class, but she just can’t seem to get up today, so she doesn’t.

She doesn't dare.

  


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Hannah and Lana walk to their meeting place in the school together, but when neither Pidge nor Kiyo show up five minutes before school starts, Lana and Hannah find it weird to brush off.

“Maybe their bus is late?” Hannah suggests halfheartedly, but neither of them really believe it.

The school day goes by, but both Hannah and Lana are thinking about Kiyo and Pidge.

‘Kiyo can you text back please?’

Lana inwardly sighs as she forces her eyes back to Mr. Dean as he continues his boring lecture that Lana tries to take notes on, but she can’t seem to understand anything. Before she knows it the bell rings and Lana is walking to the bus outside the school, and Hannah waves to her as Lana walks down to Hannah’s seat.

“Hey,” Hannah greets, “did you see Kiyo or Pidge today?”

Lana shakes her head, “no, did you?”

Hannah grimaces and shakes her head no.

“Has Pidge ever missed your engineering class?”

Hannah shakes her head again, “what about Kiyo? Has she ever missed piloting class?”

Lana shakes her head from side to side, “no, which is super weird. She always shows up for piloting class, even when I know and she knows that she shouldn’t be there, and even on days when she is extremely exhausted and on days when she looks worse than a zombie, but she’s not here today. Something’s seriously wrong…”

Hannah nods, “it’s too weird…” Hannah looks up with an idea, “do you have her address?”

Lana nods as she gets out her phone, “yeah, I’ll send it to you. We’re going to their house?”

“Yup,” Hannah replies, so Lana and Hannah start to plan how they are going to get to Kiyo and Pidge’s respected houses. Lana and Hannah each text their parents that they are studying at a friends house, and they briskly scramble off of the bus. They depart for just a second, then climb on their respected bikes and starts biking with Lana in the lead with her phone leading the way.

They bike across and alongside roads, both with and without sidewalks, all until Lana slowly brakes in front of someone’s house as the GPS relates that they are close.

“It’s that one,” Lana motions over to the house directly to the right of them. “That one’s Kiyo’s.”

“Pidge said that they live across the street from Kiyo, so…” Hannah gestures to the house across the street as she gets off of her bike. “But we’ll check with Kiyo first.”

Lana nods and both of them hurry their bikes to the side of the road, and they lay their bikes down on the grass of part of Kiyo’s front yard. Lana and Hannah walk up to Kiyo’s front door, and after a few seconds, from behind Lana, Hannah reaches out and pushes the doorbell. Lana shakes her head and tries to clear her mind as she stares at the door, Hannah eyes her warrily, but she too looks worriedly at the door.

After a couple minutes Hannah reaches out and pushes the doorbell again, but still nobody comes to the door. Lana hakes her head, “no one’s coming.”

Hannah sighs and looks back across the street, “maybe we can talk to Pidge and their mom…”

Lana nods and looks at Hannah, “yeah, can you go talk to Mrs. Holt? Maybe you can figure out what happened with Pidge, but I think I’m going to stay here in case someone answers the door.”

Hannah nods and walks across the street, when she rings the Holt’s doorbell, a woman who looks devastated but has tried to cover it up recently comes to the door and opens it.

“Mrs. Holt?” Hannah asks warrily.

“That’s me,” Mrs. Holt nods, “who are you?”

“My name’s Hannah Garrett, I’m a friend of Pidge’s, we are in the same advanced engineering class together.” Mrs. Holts nods and Hannah continues, “we just wanted to see if everyone’s okay. Kiyo sent a text saying that Pidge got arrested, and we didn’t know what to think.”

Mrs Holt smiles and nods, “ah, I see, but who is ‘we’?”

Hannah turns around and points to Lana who is still diligently waiting at Kiyo’s front door. “Lana McClain is over there. Lana’s waiting for Kiyo, she’s closer to Kiyo than I am, but we are both equally worried about Pidge and her.”

Mrs. Holy nods, “well I’m glad you came, both Kiyo and Pidge don’t seem to have many friends.”

“Yeah, but that’s why we are here,” Hannah replies. “Mrs. Holt, can you please tell me about what happened?”

“Please, call me Colleen,” Mrs. Holt-Colleen-insists. “The county police knocked on the door asking for a ‘Miss Katie Holt’, and they…” Colleen sighs and looks away for a moment, “they arrested Pidge for fourth degree computer crime and telecommunications fraud, and I don’t even know what half of that means!”

Hannah nods sympathetically, “I don’t know exactly what the means either, I’m more of a hardware person to be honest, but it sounds like Pidge was accessing computer servers and computers that they weren’t supposed to.

“What about Kiyo? When did you see her last?” Hannah asks, one crisis at a time, she thinks.

Colleen shakes her head slightly, “she went home after… she was shaking a lot when she left, but I assume the Akio and Haru have come home by now.”

Hannah furrows her eyebrows, “I’m sorry, but who are they?”

“Kiyo’s adoptive parents, Akio and Haru Shirogane. You’ve probably heard about what happened to Sara…”

Hannah nods, “yeah, it’s awful, but you saw Kiyo yesterday afternoon?”

Colleen nods, “yes. You said that your friend who came with you is Alana? And that she’s across the street?”

“Lana,” Hanna corrects, “but yes. Why?”

“Because she isn’t at the door anymore,” Colleen gestures across the street at Kiyo’s now vacant front door.

Hannah whirls around and sinks when she doesn’t see Lana. “Oh boy,” she half whispers and half sighs.

  


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Lana watches Hannah cross the street, and as soon as she knows that Hannah isn’t turning around in the next thirty seconds Lana whips out her phone and searches for Kiyo’s phone number frantically.

Lana presses the call button and she brings her phone to her ear and stares at the front door. “Pickup pickup pickup pickup, pickup, pickup…”

The call goes to voicemail and Lana ends the call. She backs up from the front door a little and he’s a better look at the entire house. It’s a decent size, it probably has a back door, Lana reasons. Lana glances back over at Hannah who still looks to be talking to Mrs. Holt, and she quickly races to the back of the house.

Once she reaches the back doormat notices the simple lock underneath the handle, she quickly feels around in her hair for extra Bobby pins she always keeps on her, and pulls two out. Lana crouches down and insets part of the curved end into the bottom of the lock and slightly turns to our pressure on the pins in the cylinder. She then inserts one side of the other Bobby pin with her other hand and starts to push the pins in the cylinder up until she hears the lock click and she can fully turn it.

Lana sighs in relief and slowly opens the door gently. “Kiyo?” She hesitantly calls out into the strange house. Lana closes the door behind her before quietly moving through the house, she moves through the kitchen and she pauses at the entrance to the family room.

There’s a big bundle of blankets near the edge of the couch on the floor. The blankets are hastily spread and are laid across a wide enough area that it could cover a person.

“Kiyo?”

A movement from underneath the pile of blankets and Lana makes her decision.

“Kiyo?” She calls again as she starts to strip away the blankets until Lana starts to see Kiyo’s arm, but she still keeps going.

Kiyo slowly sits up but holds the blankets close to her as she finally gets a good look at the person who has interrupted her solo moping period. “Lana?” She says incredulously, “what are you doing here?”

  


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Kiyo wrings her hands together as she looks hesitantly upon the big building she stands in front of. Kiyo’s eyes skirt nervously up and down the government sanctioned juvenile detention center, but she stops when she feels soft hands on her shoulder, and when she looks both Lana and Hannah are right next to her.

With a supportive glance from both Hannah and Lana, Kiyo nods and they start to make their way into the front door and to all of their friend Pidge. Pidge who is being held in custody at the juvenile detention center.


	18. The Testimony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Testimony: evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” 

-Winston Churchill

Lana looks around at the foreboding building in front of them, she glances at Kiyo’s nervous frame and realises that she can’t really do anything, but be there for moral and emotional support for both Kiyo and Pidge. She steels her face frozen still, if she was going to do something, then meirda, she was going to do it well.

The three of them walk into the detention center, they all get scanned for metal objects and then they are led into a mostly empty room. The room sports a bunch of picnic-like tables, and the three of them take a hesitant seat down at one, but only a minute passes when Pidge walks in with a shit-eating grin on their face. 

“Hey Pidge!” Kiyo calls with a big smile on her face as well.

“Heeyyy everybody!” Pidge can’t get the grin off of their face, and honestly Lana, Hannah, ad Kiyo can’t either, but nobody’s complaining.

“How are they treating you here?” Kiyo asks.

Pidge shrugs, “pretty much as I expected. I’m a girl here, but at least the trial is going to be starting soon.” Lana, Kiyo, and Hannah nod, “oh! Also, I talked with the girl that is my lawyer, she’s really nice by the way, and she told me that all of the evidence that they have submitted so far is pretty much bs, and that if I say that I didn’t know that these servers were off limits then I should be fine, but that seems stupid.”

Lana shakes her head, “it’s one of the only ways to get around a computer crime though Pidge, computer crimes are hard to build a defence with.”

Kiyo and Pidge stare at her with a hint of a couple curious smiles, while Hannah gives her a grin with a wink, “what?” Lana protests, “I did a little research.”

“You’re completely right, but even then, it seems pathetic and even then I knew what I was doing and I can’t lie if I’m called to the stand. I’ll have to work with these computers here and prove that someone is framing me because I never hacked into those servers.”

“The computer’s domain number and IP address, use that,” Hannah suggests. “Prove that your computer wasn’t the one that found the backdoor into their firewall, but please do this all crystal clean legally.”

Lana chuckles, “we wouldn’t want you back here for something illegal while you were proving your innocence for not doing something illegal.”

Pidge laughs, “that would definitely be defeating the purpose.”

Lana feels like everything has become just a little brighter with this visit, but she can’t help but wonder why they are in here in the first place, and the real reason behind it.

Hannah gets her mind off of her question however when she asks another question after a couple seconds of comfortable silence. “You are okay though right?”

Pidge nods slower than Lana would like, “yeah, I guess I’m okay, I promise that I’ll live through this, the trial is going to be tricky however, so we’ll just have to see how that’s going to go.”

“When is the trial?” Lana feels herself asking.

Pidge shrugs, “it’s going to be starting in about a week, but at this point, I don’t know how long it will take.”

“What about school? YOu have to pass all of your finals this year to become a junior next year-”

“I think I got it covered,” Pidge interrupts, and Lana glances at Kiyo. “I’ll just take all of the finals a litter later and probably in the span of three days instead of two weeks, and I have computer access in here, so I can print out stuff and review for the finals in my spare time.”

Lana takes another glimpse at Kiyo and she seems to be vaguely aware of this plan; Kiyo turns around slightly and ruffles throughout her backpack and pulls out, it seems, around six considerably thick packets. Lana glances at the cover of the top packet and she realises that it’s the SOL and final review guide for the entire year of chem.

“Which reminds me,” Kiyo puts in as she flops all of the packets down on the table in front of them, “here are the copies of the packets that the teachers said wouldn’t be online for whatever reason.”

Pidge smiles, “thanks Kiyo.”

Lana spots a guard walk over towards them and she realises that they don’t have much time left. Lana sadly smiles as she speaks, “I’m sorry Pidge, but you’ll do amazing, you always do…”

Pidge slowly nods and looks down as Hannah and Kiyo realise that they are running out of time as well. Kiyo gets up and wraps Pidge in a big hug from behind, and after a second Hannah and Lana join in as well.

“Ms Katie Holt?” The guard says, and everyone breaks away from Pidge as they give another eye roll to Kiyo, Hannah, and Lana.

“I know,” they say, “time’s up right?”

“Time is indeed up for this group, but you have one more visitor today.”

They roll their eyes again and Lana can tell that Hannah almost starts laughing, but she stops herself at the glare of the guard; Pidge picks up her packets with another ‘thanks’ smile at Kiyo and Lana and Hannah; and finally Pidge shakes her head and gives one last look at their friends as they relent, “okay Mister, lead the way.”

Lana watches as Pidge is taken away into another room, and only a short three seconds have passed before another guard comes and fetches Kiyo, Lana, and Hannah. The other guard is curt and silent as he leads the girls out of the detention center.

They wait a little bit on a bence on the outside of the center until Hannah nudges Lana and Kiyo gently in the side as Mrs. Holt comes out of the center looking warry.

Nobody says anything as they all pile into the car, and the drive home is just as uneventful. Mrs. Holt drops Hannah off first, and right before Hannah closes the minivan’s door, she looks right at Kiyo and Lana with a deadly stare. “Text on the groupchat, I’m sure Pidge will want to know what’s going on after it’s all over.”

Kiyo nods and Hannah takes that as a good sign so she closes the door with a sad smile. Mrs. Holt drives across the neighborhood to Lana’s house and when they stop in front of Lana’s house, Lana inhales and looks directly at Kiyo and gives her slightly cold hand a little squeeze. “It’ll be okay,” Lana whispers gently, and when Kiyo gives her a little nods, Lana nods back and slowly closes the door. Lana forces herself to walk down her driveway until she finally takes one final glance at the car as it takes a left turn out of the neighborhood and out of sight.

Lana sighs dejectedly to herself, and she quietly opens the door back into another world.

  
  


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Hannah glances across the rows of people until she catches the eye of Lana, who smiles and raises an eyebrow at her for a couple seconds before they both refocus on the state sanctioned test that they, and everyone other student in this large gym, is taking.

Two hours later, when Hannah, Lana, and the rest of the gym tiredly file out of the gym, Hannah and Lana gravitate towards each other until they reach each other in the hallway. Lana slightly slumps against Hannah’s shoulder as they both sluggishly sigh.

“At least it’s over,” Hannah rationalizes.

“Yeah, but we have one more,” Lana sighs again.

“Hey,” Lana turns her head around to face Kiyo who has come up behind her and Hannah.

“Hey,” Lana greets. “How was your test?”  
Kiyo shrugs, “I’d rather not at this point, it’s over, it’s done, and there’s nothing I can do about anything at this point.”

Hannah agrees, and they easily fall back into light bantering and some small talk, at least until they each reach their respective classrooms for the next class. Each of them leave until it’s just Kiyo walking alone to her room. Suddenly she is overtaken by a feeling of warmth, of happiness, of compassion; suddenly and out of nowhere, Kiyo knows that she isn’t alone and that she isn’t going to be abandoned by these friends, not this time, and that makes Kiyo smile to herself all of the same.

  
  


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Hannah sighs with relief as she leaves the Advanced Engineering room, her final is finally over with and she can finally breathe easily now. Hannah slowly makes her way in a daze across the school and towards the bus as the day has finally ticked down to a close.

Hannah flops onto the seat next to Lana on the bus. “Hey,” Hannah mutters tiredly.

“Hey back,” Lana accosts, “how was your last final?”

“It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, especially since I’ve heard a lot of bad things about that test from some of the juniors in that class.”

Lana nods, “well that’s good, and it’s done for you, so that’s another plus.”

Lana nudges Hannah’s side with a grin and Hannah smiles back, “yup, that’s it, you’re good for your French final tomorrow right?”

Lana nods, “definitely. I mean, I’ll go over everything again tonight, just in case, but it is so much like Spanish so I’ll be fine.”

Hannah nods and yawns a little, Lana catches it and chuckles, “I guess that took a lot out of you huh?”

Hannah nods and leans up against Lana which makes Lana lean up against the window, but she doesn’t mind. The bus ride goes quickly, and before they even know it, it’s Hannah and Lana’s stop.

As Lana and Hannah approach Hannah’s house, Lana turns to her. “Get some sleep please.”

Hannah tiredly nods, and right before she turns away she looks directly at Lana with a sly grin, “don’t forget about future conjugations and subjectives.”

Lana groans and spins around with her arms up above her head and gives Hannah a sloppy but big smile. “Ne t'en mêle pas!”

“What was that?” Hannah calls over her shoulder with a laugh.

“No te preocupes por eso!” Lana replies with a laugh of her own. “Don’t worry about it!” Besides, I’m a level above you, so if anything, I shouldn’t be worried and I should have helped you study more for your French final three days ago!”

Hannah waves her off with giggles echoing throughout the neighborhood that come from both of them. Lana smiles and walks the rest of the way home with her earbuds reverberating songs from Natalie Taylor, Lana Del Rey, Imagine Dragons, and even a couple from Sleeping at Last and Aimer somehow sneak their way into Lana’s ears by the time that she reaches home. Lana quietly takes her earbuds out of her ear and shoves them in her pocket then opens the door. “Estoy hogar,” She calls as she closes the door behind her.

  
  
  


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Pidge sighs as someone nudges them farther back in line for the computer stations, even though they had already used the computers today, but they just need ten more minutes and then they are definitely finished for the day. They glare up at the back of the head of a tall, sixteen year old looking, caucasian skin-like, dark-haired woman in front of them who has shoved them out of the way not ten seconds ago.

Once Pidge finally gets to a computer and they get the ten minutes they need to print out one more document for their case and one more document for school work, they quickly log out and try not to draw attention to themself as they quickly scamper to the printer on the other side of the room. As they are getting their printing paper, another small framed girl comes up to Pidge. The stranger girl looks to be about seventeen, she’s short but stocky with dark blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. 

“What are you printing out there?” She says, motioning towards the printer which is still spewing out paper.

Pidge tries to look indifferent as they shrug, “homework.”

The girl looks taken aback, “that’s still going on? I thought it would be summer by now.” Pidge glimpses at a dangerous glint in the girls eye and they shrink back a little as the girl snatches a piece of paper off of the stack and stares pointedly at it while Pidge realises that that specific piece of paper is actually part of their last advanced engineering packet that they found. Pidge quickly and quietly grabs the rest of the paper on the printer and watches the girl stare at their paper with bewilderment.

The girl looks back up at Pidge and they can tell that the girl isn’t going to give. Whatever this is, up easily as she continues, “who did you steal this from?”

“Nobody,” Pidge glares at the mystery girl, “it’s my homework, I have my final in two weeks.”

The girl squints unequivocally at them, but they don’t dare to shrink back anymore. “How old are you?”

Pidge is about to answer when the girl asks another question, “and why do you look weird?”

Pidge carefully inhales and exhales before stretching out their hand, “can I have my paper back please?”

The girl raises and eyebrow comically, “can you answer my question,  _ please _ ?” She asks mockingly and Pidge rolls her eyes in her mind, but keeps a strong and steady gaze with the girl.

“I am fourteen, and I only look weird to you.” Pidge huffs out, then they motion to their still outstretched arm again, “paper please.”

The girl smashes up her mouth and glares at her, “there’s no way you are only fourteen, what in the world did you do to get in here, pretty girl?”

“Computer crime,” Pidge says flatly, motioning more impatiently at her arm. “Paper.”

“Chill... here you go,” the girl smacks her lips as she finally hands over the piece of paper back to them. “Have fun girlie!” She says as she walks off laughing her flat ass out of the room.

They bite their tongue and huff in both relief and frustration and roll their eyes as they leave the room with eyes now watching their every move.

Pidge is back in their room and hour later when a guard barges in, “Katie Holt?”

Pidge rolls their eyes to themself for what seems like the hundredth time but they answer politely, “yes?”

“Ms. Roberts is here.” When Pidge curtly nods, the guard waits patiently outside the room while Pidge gathers all of their stuff that they found as evidence for their case. They follow the guard out of the room.

  
  


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Pidge looks at the entrance to the specific courtroom, they know that they should have told their friends about their trial, Kiyo, Hannah, and Lana should be here, but Pidge knows that if they had told their friends, then they wouldn’t believe them when they said that someone framed them, and they might have been called to be a witness. Besides, Pidge hates worrying their friends, and this entire thing just makes everything worse.

Pidge’s mom walks up behind Pidge and places her hands on their shoulders, “are you ready Pidge?”

After a couple seconds they nod, and after another second Ms. Roberts comes over to them.

“They are going to start it in about a minute,” Ms. Roberts looks at Pidge respectfully but with a little bit of pity. “Is there anything else you’d like to tell me Pidge before we start this?”

Pidge can’t help but a hint of a smile as they shake their head. They remember when they were worried about their lawyer and they know it could have gone so much differently.

Pidge worriedly hugged their papers to their chest as they walked into a surprisingly bare room with only a table and two chairs. They hovered in the middle of the room for a minute until a lady opened the door and walked in.

“Katie Holt?”

When Pidge nodded the lady smiled and advanced across the room, she shifted her binder into her left hand and extended her right hand for a shake. “I’m Ms. Roberts, I’m a lawyer and I specialize in non-violent crimes and crimes involving minors. The state assigned me to your case, so officially, I’m your lawyer.” Pidge smiled as they shook hands with Ms. Roberts, and they already liked her.

“Let’s get started, shall we?” She motioned towards the chairs as she sits down, and Pidge moved to follow her.

The lawyer-Ms. Roberts-explained the entire trial process to Pidge, first the initial appearance, second the plea stage, then the status conference, the preliminary hearing, next the arraignment, and more and more, but Pidge nodded, they did all of this research before.

When Ms. Roberts was done explaining the trial stages, the charges of a telecommunications fraud and fourth degree computer crime, and how everything could be prosecuted, Ms. Roberts asked Pidge a question. “Do you understand Katie?”

Pidge tried to hide a wince and sighed, “yes, I understand.”

“Do you have any questions or things you would like to tell me Katie?”

Pidge internally winced again and considered saying nothing, but they knew that they needed to be honest. “Actually yes, but first I need to ask you a question.”

Ms. Roberts nodded, “ask away.”

“What is your position on LGBT people?”

Ms. Roberts softened her look at Pidge, “I think everybody should be accepted, no matter who they are.”

Pidge sighed with relief, “first, from everybody that I know that has been in a rough situation because of who they are, thank you.”

Ms. Roberts smiled and nodded, but they continued, “second, my name is not Katie. So let’s start over.” Pidge stood up and Ms. Roberts followed with slight appreciation and humor that reflected in her face. “My name is Pidge Holt, I am both a boy and a girl and yet neither at the same time, if you could please refer to me as they and them that would be amazing.”

Ms. Roberts smiled and outstretched her hand graciously, “nice to meet you Pidge.”

Pidge shook her hand and they couldn’t help but smile. “Third, I am fourteen years old, however, I am a sophomore in high school, I can understand things that people assume I don’t know about or can’t understand, and I know computers like the back of my hand.”

Ms. Roberts smiles, “thank you for telling me these things so that I can understand you more. I do have one question though,” Pidge nodded, “are you okay with myself referring to you as ‘they’ in front of the court and your related family?”

Pidge warmly smiles, “yes, and thank you.”

“No problem,” Ms. Roberts smiles back, “let’s continue shall we?”

Pidge agreed with a nod, “lets.”

Pidge is roughly shaken out of the memory as the large mahogany doors open with a creak and Ms. Roberts motions for Pidge and their mom to follow her into the courtroom to begin.

“May this case begin and come to order with the preliminary hearing.” The slightly balding and too pale skinned judge calls the courtroom to order a few minutes later, and officially the case begins.

Pidge tries catch everything, but even with the extra research that they did to prepare, they didn’t go to four plus years of law school, so a bunch of things go over her head.

“Evidence presented by the defendant?” The judge asks, Ms. Roberts presents all of the evidence that both Pidge and herself have scrunched up over the past two weeks, and with a smile and a nod from Ms. Roberts, Pidge addresses the judge directly.

“Your Honor? May I please have permission to explain this part of the evidence for myself?” Pidge stands up quietly and makes eye contact with the judge.

The judge raises an eyebrow, “don’t you want your lawyer to speak for you Miss Holt? This is evidence submitted to the court.”

“Yes Your Honor, I have spoken to my lawyer about this and she also would think it would be better if I explained this myself.”

The judge shrugs, “you may indeed explain the defendant’s evidence if you would like.”

Pidge smiles and steps in front of the defendant’s table. “The Prosecution has pressed charges on me based on a computer that hacked into government sanction servers on May twelfth this year, however, the computer that they are claiming hacked into their servers has the IP address 169.094.730.008.

“My personal computer, that is registered in my name, has the IP address of 134.583.035.225. Because of this difference, I tracked the IP address of the computer that they are claiming hacked their servers through a program that I created myself, but the computer turned out to be in the city of Newport, which is located in Wales, and using another GPS program I created, I found out that the person that owns this computer is named Zoe Gretchen Watson. This computer has never once communicated with any computer I used on May the twelfth, or on any other date.”

Pidge inhales and exhales, “you see, Your Honor, this lady has no relation to myself, and there is no reason to press charges if I didn’t do anything.” Pidge turns slightly towards the prosecutor’s table and asks the judge, “so I really should be asking the Prosecutor, why are they pressing charges against myself if they have no evidence of a crime completed by me?”

Pidge steps back after a moment of silence, the judge looks towards the prosecutor’s table and motions towards them. “What basis and evidence do you have to press charges against the defendant?”

“Your Honor,” a man that slightly reminded Pidge of Foggy Nelson stands up and addresses the judge. “Hackers routinely direct their signal through different computers and wifi routers using the internet, the defendant could have directed the signal through multiple routers and computers before the data finally arrives at the defendant's computer.”

“Could have?” The judge raises his eyebrow ever so slightly, “so you have no or little basis for the charges that you have placed on the defendant?”

“That is not correct Your Honor,” the lady next to the lawyer speaking handed him something from her binder. “We, the prosecution, have basis to believe that Miss Katie Holt did indeed reroute her connection to the internet through countless other routers and computers in order to keep herself safe from prosecution of the law.”

“What basis?” The judge asks as he leans forward with a confused look.

“The-the basis… The police department tracked the signal that Ms. Holt here streamed her data through from a program that we created to track hackers who do illegally reroute their connections.”

“Then how could the computer you tracked have no connection to Miss Holt’s computer or any computer she has interacted with?”

“Miss Holt could have streamed the data through multiple computers and routers before the data actually reached her.”

“Could have?” The judge raises his eyebrow even higher, “are there any difinable facts that the prosecutor has to offer in terms of evidence right now?”

“The police department tracked the signal to Ms. Holt’s establishment. The data led us right to her.”

“Says what?” The judge crosses his arms and Pidge takes a glance at Ms. Roberts’ slight hint of a smile. “Because according to the defendant here, you have no basis for these claims. Do you have evidence that the program you used is valid in these circumstances?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“Do you have these basis with you?”

“Unfortunately, no, Your Honor.”

“Can you bring them to court in the next twenty four hours?”  
“I’m afraid not Your Honor,” the prosecutor shakes his head slightly.

“Then I’m afraid the prosecutor has no basis for the claims of the charges made against Miss Katie Holt, if the prosecutor cannot accurately file a charge and a correct claim for a charge, then we have a problem, but for the time being… Miss Holt is cleared of all charges.”

The judge bangs his gavel against his desk and Pidge is flooded with intense relief.

It worked.

Pidge is suddenly swept up in happiness and they can’t help but smile.

It worked.

Pidge vaguely hears everyone else shuffling around the room, but Pidge just looks to their mom and sees the happiness on her face.

It worked.

Pidge has but one sentence rolling through their brain.

It worked.

The defendant’s and the prosecutor’s tables are released out of the courtroom and Pidge feels themself rushing into their mom’s arms.

“It worked.”

Pidge tightens their hold on their mom as Colleen whispers, “I’m so proud of you.”

Colleen loosens her grip on her child as Ms. Roberts comes over with a smile.

“Congratulations Pidge.” She motions towards Colleen as she speaks directly at her, “you have raised an amazing child, so I thank you.”

Colleen smiles as Pidge nudges her lovingly in the arm. “Thank you, but it’s all Pidge’s doing.”

“Whatever the case is, Pidge is now free to go, but as your now former lawyer, I have to advise you to refrain from any illegal activity.” Ms. Roberts gives Pidge a stern look that only lasts a few seconds because of Pidge’s fake-innocent smile until Ms. Roberts grins as well.

“Oh come on Ms. Roberts,” Pidge says with a roll of their eyes, “you know me, completely incapable of doing anything like that.”

“Pidge I swear…” Colleen rolls her eyes in exasperation, “don’t you have finals to study for?”

Pidge shrugs, “kinda? I studied a lot in juvie but I need sleep in my actual bed.”

“Thank you so much Ms. Roberts,” Colleen reaches for Ms. Roberts’ hand and shakes it, “for everything.”

“It was no problem really Ms. Holt,” Ms, Roberts smiles knowingly. “It was my pleasure. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to leave, but I wish you both the best of lives.”

“You as well,” Pidge shakes her hand. “Full of adventure with fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes-”

“Pidge,” Colleen says scoldingly, “let the poor lady leave without you monologuing.”

Ms. Roberts chuckles and turns away with a wave, but after a second she says over her shoulder. “Don’t forget true love and miracles!”

Pidge smiles and watches her leave from the hallway of the court building. “Can we leave mom?” Pidge asks with a sly grin, “I want to scare Kiyo a little.”

Collen nods with a chuckle, “let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!! Sorry about only one chapter, however its the longest one I've posted at one time, so I hope you'll find it suitable.
> 
> Also I have a little surprise for everyone, an amazing friend of mine mentioned to me a while ago that I should create a playlist for everyone to listen to when they read this! So it took a while (like four months but *shrug*) I (finally) finalized a playlist that I listen to while I write this fic, and so here I am, finally fulfilling that amazing idea that my friend gave to me so long ago.
> 
> So here's the link! Enjoy!!
> 
> It is just [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe2EugREVyn_lZ6gl7rjA1Z3L54BF4I44) so have fun!!
> 
> The name of the playlist is 'The Sun Always Rises Playlist'.
> 
> (If this doesn't work, then you can go to my youtube channel (which I only created to make this playlist). The name is (uncreativitly) also Nikki Ravenscar. You can type that into the search bar and the first thing that will come up is the name of the playlist.)


	19. The Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelation: a surprising and previous unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way

“Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.”

-Charlotte Brontë

Kiyo slowly gets off of her bike, she unlocks the door, ignoring her slightly shaking hands, and she shoves her bike and her body through the doorway. She lays her bike against the wall and shrugs off her backpack in one swift motion, she moves five feet into the kitchen and she starts to put some of the few groceries that she bought in the fridge to keep cold.

Kiyo adjusts her earbuds slightly as she finishes up, she lightly scrubs her face before running her fingers through her hair, releasing the loosening ponytail she once had in.

Kiyo sighs before dejectedly walking up the stairs to her room where she tries to focus on her studying for her last two finals: Latin 2 and Algebra 2. Kiyo already knows most of the material, but even still she can’t seem to focus on her work. Her hands are still shaking a little and her brain is buzzing a little bit too much, it is all too much right now, it is just too too much.

Kiyo takes a deep breath in, turns up the volume on her music, and stares at one single spot as she tries to calm her breathing and stop her hands from shaking.

_By the light of the room..._

Lyrics softly filter through her ears and Kiyo closes her eyes as her breathing slows down a little.

_By the light of the moon…_

Kiyo gently lets her body ease onto the ground; quickly resolving that she isn’t going to get any more work done in the next two hours, not like this.

_I’m holding on for a bright day…_

  


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Kiyo blinks as she keeps staring at the ceiling, desperately trying to figure and sort out her thoughts; at least her hands have stopped shaking and she can breathe with control.

A door opening, the quiet but not so subtle sound of a door creaking, Kiyo’s eyes snap open, she quickly cuts off her music and takes the earbuds out of her ear, and then she eyes her own door as she realises that the noise came from the front door. She mentally facepalms as she remembers that she didn’t lock the door when she came in.

_Damn it Kiyo,_ she rolls her eyes and quietly tries to sneak down the stairs. Once she reaches the bottom of the steps she whirls around as she notices a small figure still lingering near the front door.

Kiyo gently tries to move closer until she sees the figure come into view.

“Kiyo?”

She smiles, “Pidge.” A curious sigh, filled with relief, escapes her, “what in the world are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be-”

“In prison?” Pidge interjects, “well they decided that I’m just too cute for juvie so they cleared me of all charges.”

Kiyo smiles as she realises what this means. “You’re out?”

Pidge smiles and nods, “yeah, I’m back.”

She can’t stop smiling, but she feels something tingling at the back of her eyes, she moves her hand to wipe it and her hand comes away wet.

Tears.

“Kiyo-”

“I’m sorry,” Kiyo says as she tries to brush her tears away again. “I should be happy-I should be-”

Pidge crashes into Kiyo’s torso and hugs her tightly, their wrap their arms around Kiyo and don’t let go while Kiyo silently sobs and holds onto Pidge just as tightly.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry; I’m sorry I left everyone like that and I’m sorry that I didn’t keep you fully updated and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner-”

Kiyo suddenly pulls back and stares at Pidge, “tell me what sooner?”

“There’s more evidence that an outside force interfered with whatever happened with the Kerberos mission.”

“An outside force?” Kiyo narrows her eyes in confusion, “something that the Garrison didn’t see from their sensors?”

“I don’t know,” Pidge sighs and throws up their hands with frustration. “I don’t know, and I’ve done almost all I can to get that info.”

“You’re running out of place that you can look?” Kiyo asks incredulously.

Pidge winces but nods, “yeah, from what I can gather, most of the computers at the Garrison are in a closed circuit like loop. Nothing gets in or out and there’s no way I can bypass that.”

Kiyo nods, “so you have to get direct contact to those computers in order to get access.”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

Kiyo sighs and spins around frustratingly, “so we’re stuck.”

“Well, it’s almost the summer, I think we should get some time off to focus on ourselves.”

Kiyo slowly nods, but Pidge continues, “no, I’m serious. When was the last time you genuinely felt comfortable around more than just me?”

She dejectedly exhales and sits down on the floor, close to where Kiyo escaped from the world, and where Lana found her under the covers, but Pidge doesn’t know that. “Focus on ourselves, really Pidge?”

Pidge sits down across from her but Kiyo doesn’t let them input a word in before she starts again. “The only thing I’ve been able to do these last two or three weeks is focus on myself. Focus on myself and study, study, and study. Do you know what I figured out?”

Pidge face slowly falls but they don’t say anything.

“I’m a mess! I’m broken,” Pidge tries to interject but Kiyo doesn’t let them. “Because the moment that I can see the clouds and the sky again the ground turns to grey. I’m losing my balance again and again, for each step forward I take three steps back.

“Suddenly my best friend is gone for an indefinite amount of time; I feel like everyone is looking at me all of the time; suddenly school is all about these stupid tests and I don’t understand a bunch of the content; suddenly I find myself sinking lower and lower into more than one thing; suddenly I’m all alone here-”

“Wait, what?”

Kiyo shakes her head, “Akio and Haru haven’t been answering my calls, and they haven’t been here in about a month.”

“Oh Kiyo,” but she just turns away, not meeting their eyes. “Have you told anyone?”

A distinct shake of the head, “no.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” Kiyo says softly, she doesn’t dare meet Pidge’s eyes or finish her sentence.

“Because what Kiyo?” Pidge demands, “Because no one can understand? Because no one cares enough?”

“Because everyone leaves!” Kiyo brings her knees up to her chest, but she still doesn’t meet Pidge’s eyes.

“Everyone leaves me and it’s all of my fault. Everyone always leaves… I feel like I can’t completely trust you, or Lana, or Hannah, or Sara, because everyone leaves.”

“Kiyo…” Pidge squeezes their eyes shut for just a second as they realise just what she means. “I’m sorry-”

“For what Pidge?” Kiyo scrunches up her face and turns away. “You can’t do anything about my mental health, the fact that I feel like I’m always on fire, and you can’t keep people anywhere against their will.

“Saying sorry won’t do anything anymore Pidge…”

“Honestly, Kiyo?” Pidge tries to get her to turn back around but she doesn’t move. “I know that, I know whatever I do, there are something out of my control, I know that sometimes I can’t help my best friend as she slowly disappears farther and farther down the rabbit hole, and don’t you think I know that no matter what I do Dad and Matt might still be gone? Because I know that, but you what I can change?

“I can change what my best friend thinks of me, I can control how much I know and how much I learn, and I can control how many more sunrises my best friend can see.”

Kiyo glances at Pidge with the corner of her eye, her eyebrows are slightly raised and Pidge can tell that she didn’t think they knew. “Of course I know Kiyo… How could I not? I’m not blind.”

Kiyo looks down and scratches her forehead as she squeezes her eyes shut.

Pidge continues, “but I never have and never will treat you any differently because above everything else, you are my best friend, no matter what is different about you. I know whatever I went through, and whatever I’m going through, I know that you have it ten times worse, but you have the strength to get out of bed in the morning and go to school with morons, and for that, you have my utmost respect, but why do think that I wanted our new friends so much?

“Because one of the few things that I can control is how happy I am, and how happy you are.”

“Pidge…” Kiyo finally turns around to face them, but she doesn’t look at them, she keeps her head down and stares at her shaking fingers. “I have something to tell you.”

Pidge tries not to look stressed as they nod and Kiyo continues.

“Lana and Hannah came to my house almost three days after you were arrested...”

  


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Kiyo inhales then exhales, she knocks on the door and patiently waits until someone opens it.

Cleo, Kiyo smiles, “Cleo, can you get Lana for me please? It’s important.”

Cleo glances at Kiyo up and down before nodding and closing the door behind her. A minute later the door opens again and Kiyo is shaken out of her stupor.

“Kiyo?” Lana asks incredulously, “what are you doing here?”

“Um, could you step outside? I have something important to tell you.” Kiyo backs up slightly, gently inviting Lana.

“Yeah, of course,” she steps out and Kiyo notices just how close she is, her breath creating an invisible cloud that almost envelops Kiyo. “What’s wrong?” Lana asks as Kiyo makes hesitant eye contact.

“Well…” Kiyo keeps a sad face until she hears bushes rustling behind her as Pidge jumps out.

“I’m back bitches!!”

Lana bursts out laughing, and Kiyo and Pidge aren’t close behind.

She holds her sides as she tries to get a deep breath in, “are you trying to tell me…” Lana sputters between giggles, “that this was all a prank?”

She looks at Kiyo with admiration and Kiyo can feel the beginning of a blush creeping up on her, “I’ve taught you well my young padawan.”

A new round of laughing and giggles ensues, but when Lana finally gets a deep breath in, her face turns serious. “Santo… Por Dios-”

“You mean to tell me, that…” Lana’s eyes cross wildly from Kiyo to Pidge, but she lingers on Kiyo just a second longer. “Me diste un susto de mierda.”

Pidge nods slightly as they get the jist of the sentence, but Kiyo just shakes her head as she tries to move on. “Do you want to go to Hannah’s also?”

“Hannah’s too nice for this kind of treatment…” Pidge’s face almost falls as Kiyo’s stays put on Lana’s face, but then Lana snarls a devilish grin. “Absolutely.”

  


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“Lana-” Hannah tries to gasp out between laughter- “you are so dead.”

But Hannah just goes over to Pidge and envelops them in an enormous hug. “We missed you too Pidge.”

Lana smiles and joins, then a couple seconds later she feels Kiyo join in as well, and all is right with the world.

‘That was cliche’ thinks Lana, but the thought makes her smile anyway.

Because in this hug, no one has severe depression, no one has an abusive childhood, no one will barely be accepted into society, and no one is going to bed hungry every night.

Lana feels tears poke at the back of her eyes, so she just holds on tighter to her amazing friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! If anybody wants the playlist of songs that I created for this fic, it is just [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe2EugREVyn_lZ6gl7rjA1Z3L54BF4I44) so have fun!!


	20. The Ordinariness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ordinariness: commonly encountered, usual

“Get busy living, or get busy dying.” 

-Stephen King

Kiyo blinks and forces her eyes to open, she looks up at her ceiling for what seems like the thousandth time in the last hour. Again. She looks at her clock next to her bed. 1:39pm it reads, and she inwardly sighs.

She gets up, shoves her covers off of herself, slowly shakes her fingers through her hair, and she walks to her door, then walks back to her bed. Before long she has itched a circle around her room in her mind. She follows it, and follows the path, and follows it.

Over and over again.

She doesn’t even know why.

All she knows is that she can’t sleep like this.

Not like this.

She goes over random facts in her head.

Until she starts going over what she knows about herself.

“My name is Kiyoshi Kogane.

“I am fourteen years old.

“Adopted daughter of Haru and Akio Shirogane.

“Adopted sister of Sara Shirogane.

“Biological daughter of a father I last saw when I was two, and a mother I never knew.”

_ Worthless... _

“Friend to Pidge Holt, Alana McClain, and Hannah Garrett.

“Almost a junior in high school.

“Almost a straight-A student.”

_ Never amount to anything… _

She sighs, “I draw.

“I read.”

_ Idiotic… _

“I’m pretty fucking gay.”

_ Unimportant… _

“I have severe depression.

“Moderate generalized anxiety disorder.”

_ Insignificant… _

“Severe panic disorder.

“I manage as well as I can.”

She squeezes her eyes shut as her feet keep going by habit. “I like Lana.”

_ Inconsequential… _

She stops and puts her hand over her eyes as she desperately tries to stop the tears. “I like one of my best friends.

“She’s never going to know.

“I can’t tell her.”

She tries to get her breathing under control again. “I am insecure.”

_ Meaningless… _

“I am insecure about fucking everything.”

She glances outside as watches as the branches flow softly in the wind as she gyrates around the room. Over and over again, and again, and again.

She steels her face, lifts her chin, and says out into the void, “I am insecure. I have so many issues, with both my body and my mind, but I have to live my life, or it’s all for nothing, and I’m not going without a fight.”

Kiyo slowly climbs back into bed, she slowly closes her eyes, and before she knows it, she’s asleep.

At least for a little while.

  
  


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Lana perks up as she watches Hannah close her door and meet her outside. They walk to the bus together before Lana says what’s on her mind, but as the two of them walk into the school the reality comes crashing down on them, hard.

“It’s the second to last week of school,” Lana breathes, barely believing it herself.

Hannah smiles and lets out a little laugh, “wow… Finally!”

“Do you have any plans for the summer?” Lana turns to Kiyo during their increasing number of ‘free time’ in Piloting.

“Nah,” she shakes her head, “I usually just hang around, draw a lot, read a lot more, sleep, eat, repeat.”

“Well we should totally do something over break! I’m sure I could get some time off from babysitting, Hannah’s free like, all of the time, do you know about Pidge?”

Kiyo is disappointed in herself to say that she perked up a little when Lana said that they should hang out, which quickly got smashes when Lana continued her sentence, but Kiyo keeps a simple smiling face. “Well, Pidge has been grounded for the next two months, and is barely allowed out of the house, but I’m sure we can work out a time that’ll work.”

Lana smiles gratefully, internally wincing however as she counts one for the tally of lying to her friends.

As the final bell of the day rings and Lana and Kiyo part their ways, Lana feels like she should have said something more to her.

‘What though?’ She asks herself. “Anything,” she whispers to herself.

Later that night, once Lana’s siblings are all put to bed, and she can hear her mami going up to sleep with her papi, Lana still stares distractingly up at the ceiling.

“I’m missing something,” she whispers over and over to herself as the minutes tick by.

“I’m missing something important and I don’t know what it is…”

As Lana keeps on staring, she goes through everything in her head.

“There’s nothing…” She tells herself, but the sinking feeling in her stomach doesn’t go away.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


“Last day of school, last day of school, last day of school, last day of school-”

Lana rolls her eyes at her annoying siblings as she tries to grab everything she needs more school, granted, it’s not much, but it’s annoying to move around her siblings as they scamper throughout the house.

“Okay, will you guys chill if yo montar la bici con tú?”

“Sí!”

“Bein, se bueno.”

Lana finally gets out of the house. SHe has a lot of last talks with people, but when she sees Kiyo, smiling softly to herself as she’s bobbing her head slowly to her music, something in Lana softens; she feels her insides melting like hot wax on a birthday candle, just as slow and excruciating.

Lana smiles more when she talks to Kiyo, they try to set up a time to meet over the summer, but Lana’s schedule fluxuates so often she can’t tell, with her siblings, a week in advance.

As the final bell rings for the last time of Kiyo, of Lana, of Hannah, of Pidge’s sophomore year, Lana and Kiyo bid their final goodbyes with something more lingering on the tips of their tongues, but they each turn away.

They have promised to text a bunch but somehow that doesn’t seem to be enough.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Lana tucks her phone safely into her string backpack as she bikes behind her three siblings, who she has made promise that they won’t go running, or in this case, biking, off.

The four of them, Lana, Cleo, Gavin, and little Veronica, go around and around a pond so many times, Lana is sure she could bike it in her dreams, until she sees something different.

“Kiyo?” She whispers to herself. Lana straightens herself on her bike, then quickly gets off. “Hey, can the three of you stay here, and together, for a minute please?”

Cleo gives her a raised eyebrow but she nods.

Before she knows it Lana is running towards…

“Kiyo.”

“Lana?” Kiyo quickly takes her earbud out of her ear and she puts her sketchbook down, which Lana can see already has the outline of the outline of the landscape in front of them. “What are you doing here?”

“I kinda live near here?” She says with a smile, “besides, my siblings are a rowdy bunch.”

“So, uhh, what did you want to talk to me about?”

Lana shrugs, internally freezing at the question. “I wanted to say hi.”

“Hey,” Kiyo smiles and gives a pathetic wave. “So, I uhh… I was wondering…” Kiyo breaks her and Lana’s eye contact and stares down at her fingers.

“What’s up?” Lana’s face turns concerned, “are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. But I wanted to ask you-”

“Lana!” Someone shouts, both Lana Kiyo turn their heads to catch Veronica running towards them.

“Hey V, what are you doing over here? I asked you to stay over there for a while.”

“Yeah, but the while got too long,” Veronica whines and Lana rolls her eyes as she picks Veronica up into her arms.

Lana turns back to Kiyo with Veronica latched onto her hip-Kiyo is suddenly struck at how good Lana is about her siblings, she’s like another mom to them-and Veronica bursts out, “is that a Princess?”

“What?” Kiyo says nervously as Veronica reaches out one of her arms to Kiyo.

“Why would you say that Veronica?” Lana asks sweetly as she moves a little closer to Kiyo.

“Because she’s got Princess hair!” Veronica insists as she points towards Kiyo’s simple, over-the-shoulder french braid that ends at the middle of her upper arm.

“Thank you Veronica,” Kiyo starts to smile. “My name’s Kiyo.”

“Princess Kiyo!”

Lana nervously chuckles as she flashes a grin at Kiyo, “I think dinner’s almost ready don’t you think so Veronica?”

“Sí,” she replies and turns her head back to Cleo and Gavin, who are biking in a really tight circle.

“Say bye V!” Lana says with a smile as she waves herself and watches herself move away from Kiyo.

“Byee Princess Kiyo!” Before Lana turns away, she motions to Kiyo with her fingers, ‘I’ll text you.’

Kiyo nods and waves back, with a soft smile and even softer eyes echoing throughout Lana’s mind for minutes after.

Kiyo softly stares after Lana, unable to hide her blush any longer. She smiles at her new nickname as she flips to a new page in her sketchbook. She starts drawing simple lines and curves at first, but then her drawing slowly forms into the upper half of a face. She pays specific attention to the eyes, Lana’s eyes, she realises with a jolt.

Kiyo faintly sighs and closes her eyes briefly, but she opens her eyes and starts to make her move back to her neighborhood.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


“Lana?” She turns around in the doorway and face Veronica in her bed. She notices Gavin looking at her from across the room in his own bed.

“Sí V?”

“Are you sure there’s nothing in el armario?”

Lana chuckles as she moves to open the small closet door, and she gestures all around the small closet. “You are perfectly safe V, I promise.”

Veronica slowly nods, and Lana pats her gently on the head before leaving the room and closing the door most of the way behind her.

Lana doesn’t let herself relax as she walks down the stairs. She completes the rest of her chores and then a lot more; she folds laundry, washes dishes, cleans off tables and packs away a few toys before she lets herself go to bed. She’s asleep before she even hits the pillow.

Before she knows it, her alarm is going off and Lana struggles out of bed, careful to not wake up Cleo across the room in her own bed. She cleans up around the house and does a couple chores but not before another quiet alarm goes off. Again. Time seems to speed by as Lana realises that she has to leave in a couple minutes, she goes up to her mami. “Mami? Tengo que ayudar a mi amigo con la tarea.”

“Hannah?” She asks over her shoulder, she stops her sewing machine for just a second.

“Sí,” Lana nods.

“Okay, be back by dinner.”

“Sí Mami,” Lana nods again, then grabs her string backpack and her bike and bikes over to the shopping center. She quickly goes into the bathroom in the Starbucks and changes into her uniform.

And yet another day begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! If anybody wants the playlist of songs that I created for this fic, it is just [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe2EugREVyn_lZ6gl7rjA1Z3L54BF4I44) so have fun!!


	21. The Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Middle: the point at or around the center of a process of activity

“Not all who wander are lost.” 

-J.R.R. Tolkien

Kiyo wanders, but she is not lost.

She walks around her entire neighborhood, then she starts to take her bike, and she goes a little farther.

When she runs into Lana, the entire world slowed around them, they seemed to live there for eternity, until Veronica ran over to them and called Kiyo a princess.

She smiles at the memory, Veronica is the most adorable Lana could ask her, not that Kiyo would pick favorites that is.

Once Kiyo has completed her drawing of Lana’s eyes, she counts eleven different colors and hues of blue that she used, not accounting for the fact that she used five different colors just to get her skin tone right, and two other colors for shading and highlighting.

Overall, it’s one of the best drawings that Kiyo has ever done. Carefully, Kiyo pulls the drawing out of her sketchbook and hides it in a folder underneath some pencil cases.

A week passes, Kiyo finds herself going past the same place where she saw Lana over and over again; she tells herself that the pond that was near that spot was, and still is, beautiful for drawing; she tries to tell herself that maybe there’ll geese and more people so she could try and capture frozen frames of animals and people along their lives; she tries to tell herself that it isn’t because she wants-no, she needs-Lana to show up again, sometime.

But she doesn’t, Kiyo starts to convince herself that this is a terrible idea.

Until she does.

Two more weeks have since passed, Kiyo has almost run out of pages in her sketchbook-she placed a mental reminder to text Pidge to go with her to pick up another one three days ago, but keeps forgetting to do it-when she sees Lana staring out over the water.

Kiyo is about to go up to Lana when she realises just what is different.

Lana seems utterly at peace.

She’s not tensed up, not one muscle; her face is completely passive, devoid of all emotion except for content; her fingers aren’t fidgeting or playing with her bracelet; and her toes aren’t tapping along to a beat in her mind.

Lana is completely still.

Kiyo stares for what seems to her like hours, but in reality it’s only a couple seconds. She backtracks until she can sit down, mostly out of sight from Lana, but in a place where Kiyo can clearly see her.

She ends up drawing Lana’s silhouette in all black to contrast the sunset, which displays in full color, that Lana gently watches for at least a half an hour.

Kiyo is mostly done when Lana suddenly snaps out of her stupor, grabs her bike, and quickly rides off into the ever fading sunset.

_ God, that sounds like a cliche rom-com script, _ Kiyo thinks.

She looks back down at her mostly finished drawing and realises that there is no way that Kiyo is getting out without some sort of pain.

But as Kiyo stares at the sunset, just as Lana was doing, not ten minutes ago, she realises that whatever happens, is whatever happens, and she is content with that because life is full of pain and sorrow but also happiness and hope.

And right now, in this moment, as she looks again at the sunset, that’s enough for Kiyo.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Pidge glares at their computer screen as their fingers dangerously hover over the keys.

They stay like this for ten minutes while they go over every scenario in their head.

“There’s no way to get into a closet circuit of computers without literally being inside.”

Pidge sighs, pushes themself away from their desk and throws their hands down. “Dammit,” they sigh. “I guess I really am stuck.”

They blink back to their computer screen, they turn their head slightly as thoughts buzz angrily around in her head.

“Unless I approach it as a brain and not an ant…”

Before long Pidge has fourteen different tabs open on one window of their search engine, and five more on their other window that’s currently hidden from view, when they decide that they need a serious break.

_ ‘hey, can u come w me to get a new sketchbk?’ _

_ Right on time Kiyo, _ Pidge thinks with a smirk. ‘sure when?’

_ ‘now?’ _

‘sure’

‘one sec’

_ ‘k’ _

Pidge grabs their wallet and string backpack before quickly telling their mom, and then they’re out of the door and free.

“Hey,” Kiyo greets as she rolls her bike over.

“Hey back,” Pidge greets back as they stand their bike up and move closer to Kiyo. “A new sketchbook right?”

When Kiyo nods, they continue, “you know of a place?”

“Yup,” Kiyo gets on her bike and looks back at Pidge. “It’s the store off of Nutley Street.”

Pidge nods, they get on their bike and quietly follow Kiyo down wide and small roads, some with sidewalks and some without.

When they get to the store, when Kiyo has chosen another completely blank sketchbook almost identical to her last one-one with slightly larger than regular lined paper, and a dark navy hardcover outside-and the both of them are in the checkout line, when Pidge finally asks her a question.

“You’re drawing more?”

Kiyo nods and glances at Pidge hesitantly. She sighs, “it could always be better, but it’s been good recently.”

Pidge smiles, “that’s awesome. How many have you drawn in the last month?”

Kiyo thinks it over, then says, “I think, close to forty?”

Pidge’s smile grows wider, “In thirty days?” Their eyebrows raise up in happy surprise, “well, I’m happy for you.”

Kiyo smiles back, “thanks.”

Pidge moves closer to her and whispers with a single raised eyebrow, “and how’s Lana doing?”

“Pidge…” Kiyo sighs and Pidge realises that maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say.

“Sorry-”

“No, it’s okay,” Kiyo insists. “It’s just weird.”

“Weird how?”

But Kiyo doesn’t answer, she pays for her book, but only when they get outside does she continue. “Lana is amazing, I’ll give you that, but on top of everything, she is a great friend, and if mess it up, it’ll be over. Everything…”

Kiyo sighs and sadly shakes her head, “I’d rather stay like this and happy, than forever have a chasm between us.”

“I get it,” Pidge nods, but they are internally grimacing about how depressing that is, even for Kiyo. “And I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay-”

“No, it’s not okay, but I promise I’ll be here.”

Kiyo smiles, “thank you.”

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Hannah starts up her music again, and she quickly gets to work.

If only she could get that gear to move with the others…

After a few minutes she gives up and stares at the one gear with disdain, she sighs, “I guess I could use a break.”

She picks up her phone, looks at the time, and grins. Hannah grabs an unread book from her latest library raid, her earbuds, some cash, and a string backpack, and before she knows it, she is outside a very specific coffee shop. She parks her bike and locks it in place before strolling inside and sitting in a seat in the corner of the shop where she can watch everything, specifically, her best friend behind the counter.

A couple minutes pass by and Hannah is struck by how comfortable Lana looks with her surroundings. Lana is nice and respectful to everyone she talks to, she is precise with everyone’s order, and Hannah can see that she’s paying extra attention to her handwriting to make sure other people can easily read it.

Hannah grins and chides herself as she wonders why she was ever worried about Lana working here. She’s completely fine and handling everything perfectly, why should Hannah expect anything less?

She checks the time, because it is almost time before Lana’s shift ends, Hannah gets in line. When Lana’s eyes meet Hannah’s, both of them burst into grins.

“What are you doing here?” Lana asks from underneath her smile.

“Just checking up,” Hannah winks back. “I’ll meet you outside when you’re done, but in the meantime-”

“Let me guess: Green tea with chamomile, half and half of sweetened and unsweetened.”

Hannah smiles and rolls her eyes, “same old, same old.”

Lana laughs, writes her order down and hands it to the next person down the assembly line of workers. Ten minutes passes and Hannah is only a fourth of the way through her drink when Lana comes outside with a string backpack on her back, she’s back in civilian clothes and she grins when she spots Hannah.

“Hey!” Hannah’s head swivels from her book to Lana as she walks up to her.

“Hey to you too,” Hannah replies as she closes her book. “You having a good time?”

Lana shrugs, “it’s easy I guess, people are nice if you’re nice to them. It’s not hard, but I’m kinda pissed at the fact that we get paid by the hour, which isn’t that bad, but it’s only a little bit less than eight dollars, and that’s barely above minimum wage. I know for sure some people are working full time there because that’s all that they can do, and minimum wage just doesn’t cut it anymore.”

“Yeah, I’ll visit more to help out,” Hannah suggests.

“Thanks, but it won’t work, the employees get a standard cut that isn’t defined by the sales, the owners get more of the cut if there’s more profit.”

Hannah rolls her eyes and shoves her book in her backpack, “well, that’s obnoxious.”

“Yup,” Lana sighs.

Hannah and Lana start to walk over the the bike rack, where they both unlock and take out their bikes from the rack. Then they start biking home.

A peaceful silence falls between them as they listen to the wind whistling in their ears and the cars passing by.

When they get to Lana’s house, Lana turns around to face Hannah. “Thanks for that.”

“No problem, good luck in there,” Hannah replies, nodding to Lana’s house

Lana chuckles and nods, “thanks.”

Hannah smiles and bikes back to her house, just a little bit lighter now that she knows that Lana is handling herself brilliantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!! If anybody wants the playlist I created for this fic, it's just [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe2EugREVyn_lZ6gl7rjA1Z3L54BF4I44) so have fun!!


	22. The Extramural

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extramural: outside the walls or boundaries

“If my life is going to mean anything, I have to live it myself.”

-Rick Riordan

Pidge smiles at their screen as the flashes of light switch between the main characters and the antagonist, which just happened to be an extraterrestrial.

Pidge, after a minute of searching, texts in the group chat.

‘do you all want to see the new alien movie on the 19th?’

After a minute of nothing, which Pidge fills by watching more trailers for more upcoming movies, summer is an amazing time for new movies, their phone buzzes.

**‘yess totally’**

**‘it looks so good’**

_ ‘when tho?’ _

'i see times @ 9, 11:20, 12, 2, 4:45, 7, and 10:25’

‘but i want to go to the 9 one’

‘itll be the least crowded’

‘works for me’

‘the @ the town center right?’

**‘yup’**

_ ‘does everyone have a ride?’ _

_ ‘yep’ _

‘yes’

**‘I can bike’**

‘ill go with you’

**‘cool, thx’**

‘so i guess ill see yalls then’

Pidge grins, they glance at their calendar on their phone.  _ It’s only two more weeks _ , they tell themself, but somehow it feels like more.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


“Mami?”

Lana jerks awake at the sound echoing off of the walls.

Lana realises that it’s Veronica from the next room. She hurriedly gets up, glances over at the still sleeping Cleo, quietly opens and closes her door, and walks the short distance to Veronica and Gavin’s shared room.

“Lana?”

“Hey V,” Lana’s eyes adjust quickly, and she notices Veronica’s blanket pulled up to her chin as she peers fearfully over it. “¿Estás bien?”

“Tengo miedo.”

“Estás bien, V.” Lana crouches and whispers gently, careful not to wake up Gavin, but close enough for Veronica to clearly hear her. “Me quedaré contigo hasta que te duermas, ¿qué tal?”

Veronica slowly nods, so Lana slowly stands up and bunches the covers around her baby sister in a cuccoon-like fashion. Then she sits down facing her little sister and smiles at her as Veronica slowly closes her eyes sleepily.

Lana stays like that until she knows for sure that Veronica is sound asleep, but when that happens, Lana slowly and quietly goes back to her room and back in her bed. Before falling asleep she checks her phone for the time.

3:39am,  _ great _ , Lana starts to roll her eyes, but she is interrupted by an incoming yawn and she flops back down on her pillow. Lana’s asleep before the clock turns to 3:40.

What she doesn’t see is Cleo waking up for thirty seconds as Veronica calls out and Lana quietly leaves; what she doesn’t see is that her mami silently watches Lana take loving care of her youngest child, her baby daughter; what she doesn’t see is Gavin noiselessly shifting in his bed across from Veronica as she calls out, but he quickly falls back to sleep when he knows that his oldest sister is taking care of them; what she doesn’t see is that her family cares as much about her as she cares about them.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Hannah closes the little box with a relieved sigh and she stares back at her creation. She smiles sadly at her creation, there’s no good way to describe it, only that its what her mom needs right now.

Hannah places it on her bedside table next to her deeply sleeping form, even in the middle of the afternoon, Arieta can sleep through almost everything, but not Hannah.

Hannah wakes up every single time her mom tries to quietly leave to go to work in the local hospital; she stays awake for too long afterwards, just worrying about her mom, the only family she has left; Hannah stays awake when she convinces her mom to tell her about her day, even at one in the morning; Hannah stays awake until she lets her mom know that she is safe with her, that Andrew can’t get to them anymore, she stays awake until her mom is protected, because that’s what Arieta would do for her only daughter.

Arieta is surprised when she finds her little gift at two in the morning, right before she is supposed to leave for her shift in the neonatal care center in the hospital down the road. She smiles. She smiles at the fact that her daughter is happy and healthy. She smiles at the fact that she has succeeded enough so that her daughter can succeed. She smiles at the fact that she is finally free, that he can’t hurt either of them again, and the fact that she is helping people who need it.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Kiyo shoves off of her backpack with her few groceries in it onto the counter, and she starts putting them away, but not before she gets an idea.

She could make soup.

She doesn’t know why the idea popped into her head, only that she can make some, and, for some reason, she wants to.

Kiyo shrugs and gets to work, and she finds herself putting on music as she works. The water starts boiling, so Kiyo puts in her chicken chunks. A couple minutes later she adds the noodles, carrots, thyme, celery, garlic, bay leaves, and some sage to the mix.

Suddenly Troye Sivan comes on and Kiyo can feel herself smiling as the lyrics filter throughout the room. The song seems to fill up every corner and crevice and make it just a little brighter.

‘We make a really good team, and not everyone sees.’

‘We’ve got this crazy chemistry between us.’

Kiyo smiles wider as she remembers the time when she and Lana were working on their first piloting project at Lana’s house.

She remembers how she got to know Lana better. She remembers that she never would have thought that she could’ve told her sob story to anyone else but Pidge. She remembers surprising herself when she told Lana. She remembers not regretting that decision. She remembers just, how at home she felt with her there.

“We’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue.”

“...All I need is you.”

“...All I need is you…”

Kiyo smiles, and for the first time in a long time, she actually feels the smile throughout her entire body. She  _ wants _ to smile more, and when she smiles a fuzzy feeling erupts in her stomach, and she feels  _ good. _

So she smiles more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!! If anybody wants the playlist I created for this fic, it's just [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe2EugREVyn_lZ6gl7rjA1Z3L54BF4I44) so have fun!!


	23. The Rapprochement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rapprochement: an establishment or resumption of harmonious relations

“Each partin is a form of death, as each reunion is a type of heaven.”

-Tyron Edwards

Hannah smiles to herself as her mom drops her and Lana off at the movie theater.

“Thanks mom!” She calls through the open passenger window, “I’ll text you if we need a ride back.”

She nods, “don’t forget!”

“I won’t!”

Apparently satisfied, Hannah’s mom drives away and Lana gives her a nudge and nods at the doors of the movie theater.

“You ready?”

Hannah smiles, “hell yes. I wonder if Sigourney Weaver will be in this one…”

Lana shrugs, “well, her character officially died but that didn’t spot the writers for the fourth one, so…” Lana shrugs and Hannah laughs.

“Fair enough.”

Hannah strolls through the door with Lana hot on her tail. They buy their tickets, which are extremely overpriced Lana complains, and Hannah can’t help but agree before Lana spots Kiyo and Pidge walk through the door.

“Hey,” Lana calls with a wave, Pidge smirks and waves back while getting Kiyo’s attention.

“You two get your tickets?” Kiyo asks.

“Yup,” Hannah replies, “popcorn?”

“I’ll pitch in for that,” Pidge supplies.

“Same,” Kiyo says.

Lana nods, “yup.”

“Well, the large is like sixteen dollars, so that comes out pretty even, and I can pay for the change.”

“Thanks Hannah,” Lana says and she start ruffling around in her small purse that was once her mother’s years before her time.

Everyone coughs up the four dollars, and Lana accompanies Hannah while she gets the popcorn, while Kiyo and Pidge get their tickets in the seats next to Lana and Hannah.

Before long they are each tightly packed in the theater next to about sixty other people, all eagerly waiting for the movie to start, but then the trailers and previews begin and seem to never stop.

Pidge is on the inside most seat, then Hannah sits next to them, then Lana next to her, and finally, Kiyo, who may or may not be slightly blushing at the seating arrangements, but the light is low, so no one can tell.

The popcorn gets passed around, but it mostly stays in Lana’s grasp during the movie. While Kiyo reaches in the paper and cardboard container for more, her hand accidentally brushes Lana’s more than once, they both try and act like they don’t feel it, but both Lana and Kiyo slightly jump every single time.

It makes it very hard to focus on the movie.

When the movies reaches its’ climax, and everyone is too enticed to reach for more popcorn, Kiyo lays her arm down on her and Lana’s shared arm rest, but what she doesn’t realise until the climax is over with, and the resolution is beginning, that the ‘shared arm rest’ that her arm was on, turns out it was just Lana’s arm.

Kiyo tries to hide her blush as she quickly moves her arm away.

While Lana suddenly feels this release of pressure, but it leaves her slightly colder.

When the movie ends, Lana eats the rest of the popcorn that the others couldn’t dare to finish, while Pidge and Hannah are trying to figure out every single aspect of the film. From the new characters to the evolutionary improvements to the aliens, both man-made and natural, and even the camera angles in some scenes. Lana and Kiyo just watch them shoot back and forth theories they could only dream about with a smirk on their faces.

Lana shakes her head, “why can’t they just enjoy the movie instead of picking everything apart like string cheese?”

Kiyo looks at her with a slightly raised eyebrow, then she does the largest shrug Lana has ever seen as the both of them start following Hannah and Pidge out of the theater.

Lana snickers as she dumps the now empty popcorn container in the trash. “Honestly, the movie was amazing, the writing was okay, but the actual filming and editing process made everything so much better.”

“You’re definitely right about that,” Kiyo agrees with a nod. “But Pidge explained it to me once. They break everything about the movie down in order to understand and process it better, and also to get more out of the movie because they like watching a good movie two times or more to get all of the details that it has to offer.”

Kiyo shrugs again, “it’s just how their brain works.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Lana watches as Hannah and Pidge walk out of the theater still gushing about the plot and characters of the movie, and Lana and Kiyo quietly cross the threshold behind them not a minute later.

“So,” Kiyo turns her head to face Lana as Lana continues. “How’s life been?”

“It’s been good,” Kiyo replies as she looks out into the world, and Lana catches a wistful glimmer in her eyes. “Really good.”

Lana smiles but she doesn’t dare look at Kiyo, “that’s amazing.”

A couple seconds pass with peace and silence, then Lana suddenly turns to Kiyo and Kiyo turns to meet her as well. Lana looks Kiyo directly in her eyes, “you promise to text me if it gets bad, alright?”

Kiyo can only nod as she is suddenly overwhelmed by the realisation that she has more than one amazing friend that cares about her, and maybe that’s a great thing.

“Good, because I was really surprised when nobody saw me pick the lock on your back door.”

“You picked the lock?” Kiyo asks incredulously as she suddenly turns to Lana with her eyebrows raised with confusion.

“Maybe a little,” Lana looks down, ashamed, until she realises that Kiyo is laughing.

She brings her head up and Kiyo continues between giggles, “I didn’t know that you could pick a lock.” Lana smiles, as Kiyo commences, “how did you even learn how to do that?”

Lana shrugs with a smile, “I’ve seen a couple videos on how to pick a lock, just in case I was locked out of my house or something, but I’d never thought I’d have to use it.”

Kiyo takes a deep breath and stops laughing, but she turns to Lana, who doesn’t want to meet her gaze, but Kiyo speaks anyway. “Well, that was amazing, and you probably saved my life, so  _ thank you _ .”

Lana turns back to Kiyo, she smiles and nods, but she can’t seem to say anything.

Lana knows that anything that she’ll say could, and probably will, ruin the moment, so she doesn’t say a word, she just stays, and that’s good enough for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!! If anybody wants the playlist I created for this fic, it's just [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe2EugREVyn_lZ6gl7rjA1Z3L54BF4I44) so have fun!!


	24. The Account

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Account: a report or description of even or experience; a record or statement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a mild disclaimer, I do not speak but the little bit of Spanish that I have acquired from high school required classes and a website called spanishdict.com, so please let me know if I seriously butcher anything. I mean no disrespect to anyone or to the language, so please bear with me here. Thanks!

“Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place; and this too will be swept away.”

-Marcus Aurelius

“Hey, uh, mom?”

Pidge’s mom turns around to face her child, as Pidge looks up to her hesitantly. “Yes?”

“Can I stay the night at Kiyo’s?”

She opens her mouth but Pidge keeps going, “I just want to make sure she’s okay, even though I saw her last week we haven’t really talked much the last week, and it’s almost right next door and I’ll come home early in the morning-”

“Pidge,” she interrupts as she puts her hands on her teenager’s shoulders. “You know that you have to be careful when online, right? And I don’t mean clicking something stupid and boom there’s a virus, I’m talking about literally getting arrested for hacking into a government server.”

Pidge slowly nods and looks down, “yes mom.”

“I’m still officially grounding you for the next three weeks because you got arrested, but go take care of Kiyo.”

Pidge lights up as their mom gently smiles and continues, “she needs as much help as any.”

Pidge hugs their mom tight, and their mom hears some muffled words, “thank you mom.”

Pidge mom nods and laughs as Pidge races upstairs with a big smile on their face.

Before long Pidge has texted Kiyo hurriedly, ‘my mom said yes we r on for movie night’, Pidge has packed a small bag with pyjamas, phone charger, and a toothbrush and toothpaste, Pidge is all set and ready to start their engines.

Half an hour later, when it’s just starting to get dark, Pidge says bye to their mom and races the quick hundred feet to Kiyo’s house. Kiyo and Pidge share some leftover pizza, because if it’s heated up _just right_ , then no one can really can tell, and soon they begin the crappy movie marathon. Both of them spend the rest of the night, and some of the morning, but don’t tell Pidge’s mom, laughing at the bad sound effects, the bad script, the bad special effects, or just the god-awful plot in general.

“Seriously, how in the world did Sharknado get like four sequels?” Kiyo asks between laughs when the main character claws his way out of a flying shark by cutting open the shark from the inside with a _chainsaw_ no less.

Pidge can’t stop laughing, but mostly at the awful special effects, “what I’m most worried about, is that ketchup for blood?” They both roll their eyes dramatically and burst into another fit of giggles and laughter.

When hours and hours pass and none of them notices until Kiyo realises that she is sleepy for the first time in a while, she looks at the clock. It reads 2:51 am, and Kiyo rolls her eyes at her own stupidity.

“Pidge?”

They barely turn towards her, acknowledging her words, but just barely.

“It’s late, and you are definitely tired.”

“Mmmn,” Pidge moans, but they follow Kiyo as she starts cleaning up. She pauses the tv and turns it off, then she gets their shared popcorn bowls as Pidge gets the stragglers that escaped their mouths, and the disregarded napkins.

Pidge struggles upstairs to Kiyo’s room where they can both sleep on the floor, Kiyo can tell that Pidge is barely staying awake, and she tries to hide her laugh from the ridiculousness of it all.

Kiyo, the person who knows that Pidge came over to ‘take care of’ for a while, is now taking care of Pidge, but Kiyo wouldn’t have it any other way.

Because, somehow, it makes her feel better when Kiyo has something to do, something to _distract_ her from everything screaming and sprinting inside of her head.

Because, however much Pidge tries to help her, Kiyo knows that the only person that can truly help her is herself.

Because, even after all of _this,_ Kiyo still wants to protect her friends from the world.

Because, even after all of _this,_ Kiyo still wants to protect her friends from her.

Because, even after all of _this,_ Kiyo is still surprised that she can call her friends, friends, and maybe that makes her even more fiercely protective of them.

Because even after all of this time, Kiyo is still having trouble figuring out who she is and what _the hell_ is going on between her ears, but she’s not afraid of it anymore.

Because she is finally okay enough to be able to say that she will be okay, and that’s enough.

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  


Lana smiles gently to herself when she shoves her bike into the corner and goes to unlock her front door as she remembers the past week with vivid moments. She smiles at the remembrance of the quiet peace as Kiyo and her sat next to each other, she remembers the warmth she felt when Kiyo was near.

Lana quietly goes upstairs and puts her bag back under her bed and starts absentmindedly folding some leftover clothes from the dryer.

Lana jolts to a stop as she realises that something’s off, she stays still while she listens, then realises. She doesn’t hear anything, no Cleo playing music in the next room, no Gavin and Veronica fighting over a toy, no sound from her Mami’s sewing machine, or the sound of a movie playing to distract the little ones.

Lana slowly stands up, forgetting the half folded clothes on the floor, she silently walks downstairs after she grabs her phone. She looks around as she treks around her small and slightly crowded house. She slowly goes into the last room and she silently sighs in relief, her Mami glances at her worriedly before taking another measurement of her daughter, Cleo’s waist.

“Hey, ¿qué hacen?”

“Cleo necesitaba nuevos shorts, y cada vez que alguien habla me llega a comer un bocado de su desierto,” Lana’s Mami answers with a slight huff and Lana can tell that Veronica and Gavin have been fighting.

“Ah,” Lana says simply. A light bulb, “¿Qué tal si los llevo a un paseo en bici, mamá?”

“No, abuelita viene esta noche,” Lana’s mami shakes her head slightly at Lana to keep her quiet.

Lana nods, her siblings, however, burst into smiles. “¿La casa necesita limpieza?” Lana asks quietly, her mami nods and hurriedly twirls two of her fingers together, and Lana nods again, understanding.

Lana’s abuelita is coming over tonight around seven, two hours after dinner, and the house is nowhere near cleaned enough for her standards. Lana mentally runs her fingers through her hair as she tries to figure out what she can do, and what she has to do before tonight.

“Ya has terminado Verónica, ve a escuchar a lana, ella te preparará para la abuelita,” their mami gently shoos her childen away as Lana nods and gives each of her siblings little jobs to do, with little arguing because of Lana’s stern look.

Each of the siblings clean their half of their rooms while Lana picks up all of the toys off the floors around their small house, and she has moved into mopping up the floors when her mami finishes up for the day with Veronica’s new shorts. Her mami starts cleaning off all of the counters and dusting while Lana instructs her little siblings to sweep in the hallway and bedrooms of the upstairs, and Lana starts on the two bathrooms of the house, she cleans everything till it’s spotless, and so does the rest of her family, as they all are truly their madre’s children.

Hours passed, and Lana was exhausted by the time that six rolled around. Her family finally gets a little breathing room, so Lana goes up to her mami with a question. “Mami, ¿por qué viene la abuelita hoy?”

Her mami turns from the stove slightly and looks at Lana. “Quiere revisarnos, y sus nietos están creciendo, ¿puedes culparla?”

“No, ¿pero por que hoy?”

“¿Hay algo que prefieres hacer Lana?” Her mami asks with a slightly raised eyebrow and Lana shakes her head no. Her mami nods, “bien entonces.”

Lana sighs silently to herself and goes upstairs to her shared room with Cleo, but Cleo isn’t in the room at the moment, so Lana enjoys the silence. She opens up her phone and texts on the group chat with Kiyo, Hannah, and Pidge.

**‘my abuelitas coming over tonite’**

**‘so wish me luck!’**

Lana relaxes for a few minutes with her eyes closed, but then her phone buzzes.  ‘good luck!’ 

_‘have fun!’_

‘tell us how it goes’

Lana smiles and texts back. **‘i’ll need it, thx!’**

  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  


Lana flops down, exhausted, on her bed. About half an hour earlier her siblings trudged off to bed, not ten minutes after abuelita took her leave. Lana looks across the room over to Cleo, who is sound asleep, half buried under her blanket and smothering her pillow.

She smiles and shakes her head as she pulls out her phone and reads all of her friends’ encouraging texts. **‘thx everybody’**

**‘today was weird’**. Lana waits for someone to reply, when she looks at the clock at the top of her phone, and it reads 10:52 pm.

Lana rolls her eyes to herself and puts her phone on the table next to her bed and closes her eyes to try to go to sleep. Barely a minute passes when her phone slightly buzzes and Lana snatches it off the table, she doesn’t want Cleo to wake up.

It’s a message directly from Kiyo, _‘how was it?’_

**‘ok, abuelita is… idk’**

**‘she makes everyone lose their goddamn mind’**

_‘is she more of a physically or a mentally strong person?’_

**‘mental, definitely’**

**‘shes kinda passive aggressive and shes extra traditional’**

_‘traditional how?’_

**‘its almost like shes stuck in fifty years ago when there still was crap stuff like segregation’**

**‘shes not big on the whole change thing’**

_‘yeah, i get it’_

_‘what about u tho’_

**‘like what?’**

_‘how do u think of her?’_

**‘shes my abuelita so of course i love her’**

**‘shes impossible sometimes tho’**

**‘family can be annoying but theyre my family’**

**‘im sorry i shouldnt be complaining about this to u’**

_‘no its okay’_

_‘u r ok tho right?’_

**‘yea, just exhausted’**

**‘i swear i almost have to pretend that im someone else for abuelita’**

**‘i dont want to but i dont want to upset her’**

_‘i hope you never have to choose between’_

_‘but its good that you love them anyway’_

Lana tries to smile but ends up yawning wildly instead. **‘im gonna fall asleep’**

**‘so ill talk to u tomorrow?’**

Lana’s eyes start to droop but she smiles when Kiyo texts back. _‘absolutely’_

_‘gn Lana’_

**‘gn Kiyo’**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!! 
> 
> Sorry for posting this late, I'm pretty much a lazy piece of shit, but oh well...
> 
> If anybody wants to listen to the playlist I created for this fic, it's just [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe2EugREVyn_lZ6gl7rjA1Z3L54BF4I44) so have fun!!


	25. The Convalescent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys I'm really sorry that I haven't updated in literally forever, but here I am ig?? Mental health has been a real fuckery for me recently, but yesterday I realized that I still have this and I haven't finished it? So I guess that's what I'm going to be doing for the next couple weeks and ignoring my homework!   
> Happy reading!
> 
> Also I'm not sure if I've said this before, but the Spanish probably isn't 100 perfect, I'm still learning Spanish and translators aren't always that helpful, so if it sucks let me know and I can fix it!

“You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.”

-Anonymous

Ten am on a Thursday, so far it’s been a good day, and Kiyo would like it to stay that way.

“Kiyo!”

Kiyo jumps as she hears Pidge’s voice cascade around her and the door close behind her best friend. She quickly grabs her phone and makes her way down the stairs.

“What are you doing here Pidge?”

“I’m being spontaneous!” They say with a large smile and they beckon Kiyo closer. “Come on, you want to go bike riding?”

“Now?” Kiyo asks incredulously but a smile peaks through.

“Yup, now.” Pidge nods towards the door with a smile, “we both need the sunlight, come on!”

“Okay, I’m coming,” Kiyo replies, “I just have to get something first, I’ll meet you outside in a minute.”

“Okay,” Pidge replies, and Kiyo hurries upstairs as she hears the door open and close as Pidge goes to get their bike from their house.

Kiyo grabs her wallet and her sketchbook with two graphite pencils and throws them into a simple string bag. She strings her hair into a simple french braid down her back to keep it out of her face while she’s biking. Kiyo wheels her bike out after she puts her shoes on and quickly spots Pidge chilling idly by their house.

“So do you have a plan on where you want to go?” Kiyo asks as Pidge leads the way out of their neighborhood and across the semi-populated road.

“Nah, not really,” Pidge turns around to look at their best friend and Kiyo can just catch a glimpse of a Loki-like smirk and Kiyo can’t help but roll her eyes and smile.

Kioy bikes behind Pidge as they take her all around, across lots of different types of roads and different styles of houses, Kiyo even sneaked a picture with her phone of the sun peaking through the tallest tree in the area during a stoplight.

After a while of this, Kiyo can tell that Pidge is getting a little tired of pedaling everywhere, so when the reach the next stoplight Kiyo rolls up next to them. “How about we stop by the next shopping center and get some food, then go home?”

Pidge glances up and gives Kiyo a smile, “sure, I think I should have brought water.”

But when they reach the shopping center and Kiyo looks up at the big green symbol with the while lady outlined in the middle of it, Kiyo shakes her head. “Nope, nope, nope. Really Pidge?” Kiyo turns incredulously towards Pidge and their shit-eating grin plastered on their face with no remorse.

“Oh yes.” Pidge nods towards the door, “I’ll buy you a muffin.”

Kiyo rolls her eyes, “I’ll do it for the muffin.”

“Do it for the vine,” Pidge whispers and it takes all of Kiyo’s willpower to keep herself from bursting out laughing as the both of them joyously enter the Starbucks and join the line consisting of about ten people in front of them.

Kiy decides on the iced, lightly sweet, chai latte, and when Pidge looks back at her, she nods at the menu, “you don’t have to get a muffin for me.”

“I’m getting a muffin, if you don’t want to eat it, that’s fine, but I’m hungry anyways,” Pidge insists.

But then the person in front of them leaves the line as he just finished ordering.

But them the barista turns to the next people in line.

But then the next to people in line made eye contact with the barista.

But then Kiyo heart stopped for a split second.

“Lana?”

“Hey you two!” Lana says with a smile, “what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Pidge asks, and Kiyo tries to shove herself out of her daze.

Lana shrugs and vaguely gestures around, “working.” Kiyo nods and smiles when Lana looks at her. “But my shift’s over in eight minutes if you two want to chill here until then…”

“Yeah,” Kiyo nods, “we can wait.”

“So,” Lana nods up towards the large menu displayed behind her, “you two want to order?”

“Oh yeah,” Kiyo chuckles to herself. “I’ll have the iced, lightly sweet, chai latte.”

“I’ll have the vanilla cream cold brew,” Pidge inputs. “And the chocolate chunk muffin.”

“Chocolate muffin…” Lana writes their order down on her little sheet, then looks up with a smile and directs them down the line, “you orders will be over there in a minute.”

“Thanks Lana!”

“Have fun,” Kiyo calls and she catches Lana roll her eyes with a smile.

Soon Pidge and Kiyo get their drinks, plus Pidge’s muffin, and they take the food and drinks outside to the curb where the both of them sit down and chill.

About ten minutes passes, then Lana suddenly plops down on the tiny curb next to Kiyo. Lana’s got a string backpack on her back, and she isn’t wearing her work uniform.

“Is there any specific reason why you are working?” Pidge asks from across Kiyo.

Lana shrugs, but somehow Kiyo knows that there is something deeper, “with the three of my siblings, it’s always nice to have some extra cash around the house I guess.”

Kiyo nods, but as she looks at Lana, she notices that Lana is gripping her thumbs tightly, and Kiyo knows that Lana’s lying, but she nods again. Because she knows that it’s okay, and that Lana will tell them when she wants to.

After a few minutes of peaceful sitting on the curb and silently watching the cars drive by, Kiyo is suddenly struck by how different other people’s lives are in comparison to her own. Sonder, she thinks the word is, and she is overcome by a sense of peace and stability that seems to last for days as more and more cars pass by. She slowly smiles into nothing, and somehow that makes it better.

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Lana wakes up from the consistent noises around the house, and when she walks downstairs she is overwhelmed by the noises and everyone seems to be running around and, or screaming their head off. Lana strides over to her mami, “lo que está sucediendo mamá”

Her mamí just sighs and shakes her head from exhaustion, “Cleo quiere ir en bicicleta, Verónica y Gavin están discutiendo sobre tres juguetes diferentes, nadie quiere comer.”

Lana nods and tries to think through the chaos. Bombilla.

“Mami, ¿qué tal si los llevo a la piscina jueves para refrescarme?”

Lana’s mami smiles as she turns back to her daughter. “Gracias Lana.”

“De nada, hasta entonces, unos distraerá.” Lana nods as she tries to figure out her siblings with a roll of her eyes.

A while later Lana finally gets a breather on the already tiring Monday.

**‘hey everybody’**

**‘do u all want to meet me at the pool on thurs?’**

**‘im going to take my siblings but u are welcome anyways’**

‘sure’

‘when r u going?’

**‘probably noon’**

_ ‘ill meet u there’ _

‘same’

‘can i bring food?’

**‘yea’**

**‘can u bring some for 3 more ppl?’**

‘sure’

‘i like making it anyway’

**‘thx’**

‘fooooooooooood’

‘ill definitely b there now’

_ ‘its the pool off of keysville rd right?’ _

**‘yea’**

**‘do u have memberships?’**

‘yup’

‘nope’

_ ‘nah’ _

_ ‘ive never been much of a swimmer’ _

‘thats ok’

‘ive got guest passes’

_ ‘thx’ _

‘thx’

_ ‘any hints on the food Hannah?’ _

‘nope’

‘youll have to wait & see’

‘not 1 hint???’

‘nope’

**‘ill come hungry’**

**‘so dont kill us all’**

‘why would i do that???’

‘we would eat anything you make Hannah’

_ ‘literally’ _

‘fair enough’

**‘oh & im sorry in advance for my annoying siblings’**

_ ‘theyre cute tho’ _

**‘only when they want to be’**

**‘most of the time theyre the devils’**

‘but Veronica isnt’

**‘nope’**

**‘its her eyes’**

**‘thats how she gets to u’**

‘sure’

‘shes 5 Lana!’

**‘sooooooo???’**

_ ‘sure’ _

‘see u thurs then?’

_ ‘yup’ _

‘see yah’

**‘see yalls’**

  
  


⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫⧫

  
  


Kiyo puts her phone down and her smile slowly falls as she tries to focus on the drawing again, but it’s like the creative juices that Kiyo once housed have stopped. Kiyo rolls her eyes and puts her pencils and paper away and she goes downstairs and tries to watch something on netflix.

Kiyo tries to focus on the show, but she doesn’t realise until much later that she hasn’t been paying attention for the past ten minutes. Kiyo shrugs and turn the tv off and goes through art on her phone. Until, suddenly, it’s almost eight o’clock at night, but she isn’t tired at all, or, she soon realises, not hungry either.

It’s almost ten pm when it hits her.

She’s relapsing.

Granted, Kiyo doesn’t think that it’s all that bad, but she thinks that it started today, so it could be just the beginning.

Tuesday morning, well, barely. Kiyo gets out of bed at eleven am when she gets hungry enough to have some motivation, and she fully realises that she fully relapsing. She tries to shake herself out of it all day, but somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that it is futile.

She somehow knows that trying to do anything is futile.

So she doesn’t.

She just lies there and doesn’t really move.

With nobody to tell her to get her butt up she never does. Somehow she finds the ability to get up and stretch her legs a bit and eat some food.

But then suddenly it’s the night before their planned ‘outing’, suddenly it’s Wednesday. Kiyo gets her butt up and showers and but she’s in a empty daze the entire time, she barely remembers showering.

The next morning comes faster and slower than Kiyo would have thought. Suddenly it’s eight am and Kiyo really doesn’t want to do anything. She texts Pidge after a couple minutes of reaching for her phone and thinking.

_ ‘not today Pidge’ _

‘im coming over’ they text back almost immediately and with no warning.

Suddenly Kiyo is snapped back to reality when the doorbell rings and Kiyo reads another text from Pidge. ‘if u dont open the door in 2 minutes im coming in anyway’

Kiyo nods to herself and, after a slightly mental slap or two, she gets up out of her bed and goes downstairs to open the door. Pidge is there with their hands smack on their hips looking soft yet slightly forcefully back at Kiyo.

“Look, I know that I should want to and that I made this plan and I should be happy about it-”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Pidge puts their hand up with her palm vertical and facing her. “I know that ‘you  _ should _ want this and  _ should _ want that’ bs, but you look in no shape to get out of bed and out of the house. So I’m not going to tell you that you  _ should _ do anything.”

Kiyo nods silently, and she leans exhaustively against the doorframe and Pidge comfortingly continuous. “I am going to tell you that sunlight will help you,  _ I _ will help you,  _ Lana _ and  _ Hannah _ will help you, doing something will help you, and I know you don’t want to, but if you go with me, if you get uncomfortable, anxious, jittery, or all of the above, you can leave, no questions asked, and I’ll explain it to Hannah and Lana.”

Kiyo listens, and after a minute she nods. “Okay,” she whispers, “okay.”

Pidge nods and gently gives her a smile. “How long?” They gently ask when Kiyo refuses to meet their eyes.

“About two days,” she softly answers, she doesn’t-she  _ can’t _ -make eye contact with them but she catches them nod.

“You do have a swimsuit right?”

Kiyo nods as she looks up at her best friend who is mischievous smiling under a humongous hat that wasn’t there a seconds ago.

“So let’s get our swim on.”

Kiyo chuckles nervously but she leads the way back upstairs. Pidge squeezes by her as Kiyo starts to take a swimsuit out of her drawer, and they take over for her as they finish pulling the rest out. Until finally, they reach one that they like, out of the three that Kiyo currently owns, of course Pidge thinks that all of them would look amazing on Kiyo but they know that it’s not what she needs right now. So they pick out her black one with a slightly open back and a combination of a moderate v-neck and a sweetheart neckline. Kiyo nods and tries to smile when Pidge turns around and hands it to her, but they can tell that she is still nervous out of her freaking mind for this.

When Kyio comes back from the bathroom with one hand draped across her stomach Pidge doesn’t bring attention to it. They do however smile and hand her some shorts and a shirt to go biking in.

“You’re all set,” announces Pidge when Kiyo’s all dressed. “It’s going to be great.”

Kiyo nods and tries, with better results, a fully-fledged smile, and Pidge smiles back.

“You ready to go?” Kiyo asks as she quickly pulls her hair into a low ponytail.

Pidge smiles playfully, “let’s go kick some ass.” Kiyo can’t help but smile as they step outside.

The bike ride is relatively normal, Pidge worries about Kiyo constantly, however much they might deny it, but Kiyo is dealing, and however long that might take, Pidge knows that they’re be there.

Pidge remembers all of those times that Kiyo helped them with emotional stuff, how much research the two of them did, and how every single time that she helped Pidge, they felt like they could never help Kiyo as much as she helped Pidge, until Kiyo finally and fully opened up to Pidge. And then Pidge suddenly understood why she was so willing to help, so willing to stick with Pidge all of those years, why she was so helpful and somehow knew exactly how to calm down and sort the emotions out. It’s because Kiyo holds something heavier than Pidge has ever seen on her shoulders all of the time.

Pidge shakes their head as they bike even closer to the pool and they see the building quickly approach. They park their bike and lock it in right before Kiyo quickly parks and locks her bike with a satisfying click.

They walk in without any problems, not that Pidge thought that they would have any, and they spot Lana and Hannah quickly. “Hey!” Pidge leads the way to their friends with Kiyo on their tail.

“Hey,” Lana calls back as Hannah waves.

Hannah barely gives them enough time to put their stuff down before a mischievous grin appears on her face and she smiles. “Race you to the pool?”

“You’re on! Lana answers and cannonballs into the pool with Hannah. Pidge give and sft smile and a gently nudge before following Lana and Hannah with a cannon ball of their own.

It took a minute, but once Kiyo got into the pool she immediately felt better, happier, somehow.

And life feels good.

Kiyo smiles, and so does everyone else.

Life feels good, but there’s something nagging in the back of Kiyo’s mind, something that says that her life could never get better than this. So she runs with it, she accepts it, and she smiles through it, because if this is the best it can be, then she’ll live in it.


End file.
